Handguns...Women

[Guy]

TOP 10 WAYS THAT HANDGUNS ARE BETTER THAN A WOMAN

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s

#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.

#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun

[Guy]

1) "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." (Sharon Stone)

2) "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." (Barbara Bush Former US First Lady)

3) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." (Robin Williams)

4) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." (Billy Crystal)

5) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." (Rod Stewart)

6) "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're eager to meet people who do." (Henry Kissinger)

7) "My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading." (Steve Jobs)-(Founder: Apple Computer)

8) "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee, the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." (Dan Rather)-(News anchorman)

9) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" (Arnold Schwartzenegger)

10) "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." (Tiger Woods)

11) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. (Roseanne)

12) According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful. (Robert De Niro)

13) AND THE NUMBER ONE QUOTE IS: See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. (Robin Williams)

EDIT NOTE: I'm guessing that some of these are fictional

[Guy]

and the wives...

A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they
gave their wives for their anniversary. The rich man
says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz."

Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?" The rich man replies,

"Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace,
she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back."

The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then
proceeds to tell him what he got his wife.

"I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo." With a confused
and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you
buy her those gifts?!

" The poor man replies..."Well, in case she doesn't like the flip flops, she can go fuck herself."

[Guy]

Before It Starts!


A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

That's it!" She blows her top, "You *******! You waltz in here, flop your fat *** down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. " Oh ****, it's started."

[Guy]

Private
Father Mayeye


Two Priests are peeing next to each other, when one notices a nicotine patch on the others penis.

He says "Hey, what are you doing with a nicotine patch down there? It goes right here, on your arm."

The first priest says "Oh, really it's been working great. I'm down to two butts a day."

[Guy]

I Love You
I Love You Too


A prisoner escapes from prison where he has served 15 years. He stops at a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and gets on top of her. He kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy's dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too...."

[Guy]

Because I'm going to power nap...I will leave you with this...

[Radar Rider]

Too many to comment on; great jokes, though!

[Bill Harsey]

The President of the NoBullShit Party has spoken! I'm printing these out for my wife to enjoy. (long day in knife shop, starting now)

[whizit]

Thanks Guy for the many laughs.