Adult Fairy Tales

NousDefionsDoc · 08-09-2005, 18:07

Adult Fairy Tales

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a
pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.
He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no
prince with that kind of power!
Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly,
Peter, Peter, something or other..."
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PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit
Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
_____________________________________________

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not.
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
____________________________________________

MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey,
"You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."
___________________________________________
SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me!
Lie to me!"
___________________________________________

Did you know...Captain Hook died from jock itch.
____________________________________________

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said,
"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,
"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan

**Roguish Lawyer** · 08-09-2005, 18:10

LOL

Gypsy · 08-09-2005, 18:57

LMAO!

**Jack Moroney (RIP)** · 08-09-2005, 19:03

Oh Damn, I thought this was a thread about California

**Roguish Lawyer** · 08-09-2005, 19:11

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jack Moroney

Oh Damn, I thought this was a thread about California

You know those who live in glass houses, especially filled with people wearing Birkenstocks and eating granola, . . .

**Jack Moroney (RIP)** · 08-09-2005, 19:20

Quote:

Originally Posted by Roguish Lawyer

You know those who live in glass houses, especially filled with people wearing Birkenstocks and eating granola, . . .

And those are just the tourists! Don't you know that "real" Vermonters live in caves, eat dandelion greens, sleep 6 months out of the year and run under cars? That's why they call themselves "woodchucks"-everyone else is a flatlander. But I understand your analytical legalistic point of view, after all they did approve civil unions first in the nation so I guess you can change the motto of the state from the Green Mountain State to the Quean Mountain State.

Jack Moroney-just an American living where I damn well please with allegiance to no state and loyalty only to my country and its comrades in arms.

tyrsnbdr · 08-09-2005, 19:47

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jack Moroney

And those are just the tourists! Don't you know that "real" Vermonters live in caves, eat dandelion greens, sleep 6 months out of the year and run under cars? That's why they call themselves "woodchucks"-everyone else is a flatlander. But I understand your analytical legalistic point of view, after all they did approve civil unions first in the nation so I guess you can change the motto of the state from the Green Mountain State to the Quean Mountain State.

Jack Moroney-just an American living where I damn well please with allegiance to no state and loyalty only to my country and its comrades in arms.

I new a Vermonter who actually did live in a cave. He was an instructor at the Mountain Warfare School at Ethan Allen Firing Range. I always like talk to the "nonflat landers" when I went to NU. They would call me a flat lander from California and I would explain how my mountains (the Santa Cruz mountains) were just as big as the Green Mountains and the Mountains around Tahoe were just a little bigger than Camel's hump or Mt Stow.

I do think that Vermont would still be a good place for me to retire.

**Jack Moroney (RIP)** · 08-10-2005, 04:41

Quote:

Originally Posted by tyrsnbdr

I do think that Vermont would still be a good place for me to retire.

I poke fun at the state but I do really like the area, it's the politics that are wacky but it keeps me laughing on a daily basis. It is not, however, a military haven for retirement as there are no military facilities in the state and very few military folk of any kind so you are sort of always viewed as just a little bit "different" from normal folk and many view the military through the eyes of the latest DVD, book, or CNN source that they have experienced.

HOLLiS · 08-10-2005, 20:32

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jack Moroney

...... and many view the military through the eyes of the latest DVD, book, or CNN source that they have experienced.

Jack,

I don't think it is much different anyplace else. The entertainment industry, DVD's, CNN (media) and some books tend to dominate and stamp out reality.