Women's Humor

BMT (RIP) · 06-24-2005, 17:49

Women's Humor

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of North Carolina."

And they say blondes are dumb...

*****

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you . . ."

*****

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

*****

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded.

*****

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea . . . you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

*****

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

*****

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor.

*****

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger. Whoosh . . . immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

*****

AND THE BEST ONE YET . . .

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:

* She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

* Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

* Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

* Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton

**Bill Harsey** · 06-24-2005, 18:37

BMT,
Those are funny but may I take the liberty of correcting one small thing?

There is no such thing as women's humor.

Gypsy · 06-24-2005, 18:48

Some of us XX types do indeed have one Mr. Harsey. I often find myself laughing at the expense of the "fairer sex"...

Then again I'm often told I have the mind of an XY in the body of an XX.

Sweetbriar · 06-24-2005, 21:01

Mr. Harsey, of course we have a sense of humor. We keep falling in love with you guys, don't we?

lksteve · 06-24-2005, 21:49

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sweetbriar

We keep falling in love with you guys, don't we?

i always thought that was morbid curiousity...

Dustin03 · 06-24-2005, 23:26

Quote:

Originally Posted by lksteve

i always thought that was morbid curiousity...

nah, i believe that gulability is more prevailant in the female types

frostfire · 06-27-2005, 17:02

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill Harsey

BMT,
Those are funny but may I take the liberty of correcting one small thing?
There is no such thing as women's humor.

for something that is non-existent, there sure are lots of 'em

FORTUNE
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

Charles: "I'm just an ordinary man, but in just a week or two, my father will die
and I'll inherit £20 million."
The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother!

-----------

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a TV remote control set in her handbag.

I: "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"

Woman: "No, but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I thought
this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

--------
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (from a MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider in the bath.

---------

WIFE vs HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yes," replied his wife, "in-laws."

------

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. His wife explained, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything we say to men.

Her husband turned to her and asked, "What?"

---------
THE BEAST

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper.

Husband: "Be careful, you will bring out the beast in me."

Wife: "So what? Who's afraid of a mouse?"

---------

STUPID AND BEAUTIFUL

A man said to his wife one day,

Husband: "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

Wife: "Allow me to explain. God made me so beautiful that you would be attracted
to me, and so stupid that I would be attracted to you!"

drawbreaker · 07-14-2005, 20:07

And I thought MY wife was bad...

Max_Tab · 07-16-2005, 23:07

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostfire

STUPID AND BEAUTIFUL

A man said to his wife one day,

Husband: "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

Wife: "Allow me to explain. God made me so beautiful that you would be attracted
to me, and so stupid that I would be attracted to you!"

Damn, so that's how I managed to get married.

07-17-2005, 00:21

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sweetbriar

Mr. Harsey, of course we have a sense of humor. We keep falling in love with you guys, don't we?

Ohhhhhhhhhh Mr. Harsey.

Sweetbriar got you!!

FrontSight

lrd · 07-17-2005, 07:09

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill Harsey

BMT,
Those are funny but may I take the liberty of correcting one small thing?

There is no such thing as women's humor.

Mr. H~

I'm sure the other fine ladies on this board would love to join me in providing you with a first-hand encounter with "women's humor," but I imagine that your own fine lady has taken care of that lesson for us...

lrd · 07-17-2005, 07:10

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sweetbriar

Mr. Harsey, of course we have a sense of humor. We keep falling in love with you guys, don't we?

Good one, D!

RLK · 07-18-2005, 18:39

The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman:

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.

#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for
when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he
will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a
backup.

#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of
ammo.

#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"

#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you
use it.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A
WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

Guy · 07-19-2005, 15:06

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill Harsey

There is no such thing as women's humor.

Ain't that the truth!

Take care.