The Early Retirement Program For Pilots

[Martinez]

Due to the critical financial situation that our airline finds itself in after the tragic events of 9/11, the company has decided to implement a plan to offer all pilots over 50 early retirement.

This program will be known as RAPE (Retire Airline Pilots Early).

Pilots volunteering to be RAPED must apply to the personnel office before 1 March 2005.

You may be eligible for SHAFT (Special Help AFTer Retirement).

Pilots who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (SCheme for Retired Early Workers).

Pilots may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice but SCREWED as many times as Chief Pilot deems appropriate.

Pilots who have been Raped may apply to get AIDS (Aircrew Income for Dependents or Spouse). Also available is HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Pilots on Early Severance).

Obviously, pilots who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SCREWED any further.

Pilots staying on flying status will receive as much SHIT (Simulator High Intensity Training) as possible. Your company has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives its aircrews. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention of the Chief Pilot. He has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Thank You and Happy Landings

Courtesy of the CASBAR Colonel

[Sacamuelas]

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