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Guerrilla
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Bloomfield, Indiana
Posts: 287
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The S2
Quietshooter sent this to me awhile back. Great Stuff
The S-2 is the senior intelligence officer in a military unit. Broadly
speaking, the job of a S-2 is to determine what the enemy is going to do before he does it. Sounds like some pretty high-speed stuff, right? The sort of thing only the smartest of the smart get to do? Well, it doesn't always work that way...
The following is a compilation of real, honest-to-goodness quotes overheard from & about a certain onetime battalion S-2 who will remain nameless, not to mention CLUELESS. Oddly enough, the stupidity comes through quite well even for many people who haven't even been in the military.
"You need MAPS? Of where we're going??"
"Naah, man, I don't think anybody would want those SATELLITE PHOTOS..."
"The enemy will...ah...where are we again?"
"You know, there are some pretty smart females out there." (My actual comment: "Yeah, but I bet you haven't DATED any of them!")
"You ever seen that pro wrestler, 'The Honky-Tonk Man'? Man, the things those pro wrestlers can do is pretty amazing..."
"When did the Honorable Togo West get his Medal of Honor? You mean that ISN'T why they call him the 'honorable' Togo West???"
"Hey, Private, draw some Avenues of Approach on this map. Where? I don't know, just make something up."
To an enlisted soldier: "I bet you've got the big bucks saved up from going to Bosnia." (True response: "And I bet you drive that green Mercedes, sir, just because you have no taste.")
Him: "How about you type this up for me, L.T.?"
Me: "How about you b*** me?"
"Don't look at me, sir, it's not my fault. Private "H" drew this diagram..."
An old Bosnia bud on the situation: "He's a nice guy, but if I were you I would kill him."
"I wonder why I haven't gotten the medal I was put in for over a year ago for Bosnia?."
[Commander of another battalion and extremely nice person:] "Sean, you deserve that S-2 job. But I won't take [him]. Nice guy, but he managed to fire his tank gun... I mean, he almost hit the Post Exchange with a SABOT round! I don't need
guys with that special ability working for me, if you get my drift."
New NCOIC comment: "People keep giving him good OER's out of pity, and he keeps moving around destroying things. He's like a virus..."
Me: "What are those?"
Private: "Those are the overlays we copied from Brigade that show stuff that the enemy actually did in the past, like, in exact detail."
Him: "Yeah, I wasn't planning on taking them along."
The S-3 Air: "So how prepared is your shop, Sean?"
Me: "Sir, don't me ask questions you don't want the answer to."
"I can't do math. I probably can't even count to fifty."
"Nobody can touch Bill Clinton. He's got friends in high places."
"Wow, if they reverse that verdict it will set a really bad precedent... pretty soon all the people found guilty of murder are going to try to get their decisions reversed!!"
"I've heard stories that Sergeant Major of the Army McKinney was always interested in females."
"Man, when it comes to fighting wars, nobody can beat the Germans!" (My true reply: "Funny how they haven't won a war in 126 YEARS, though...")
"I stress out all the time, man. I don't even need to be under pressure and I can't take it." (Comment I wish I could take credit for: "Well, at least you don't have to worry about your performance getting any worse.")
Me: "Where were you while we were working on the M577 [tracked armored command post vehicle]?"
Him: "I was trying to go to Popeye's chicken...ah, and get you some. Yeah."
[Driving down the road]
PFC A: "There he is, man. Should I just run him over?"
PFC B: "Well, he could run away...but he'll get tired eventually."
PFC A: "Maybe I can just roll the vehicle over on him."
Him: "Once you become S-2, you should try and take the Chaplain's humvee" (My response: "Good idea, I didn't want GOD on my side anyway...")
[Pouring coffee out of a Thermos] "Wow, it's still hot!"
[at a wargaming session]
Him: "No, wait, irregulars killed all of the scouts. What do you do now?"
Officer #1: "Wait, man, we haven't even started the battle yet..."
Officer #2: "How sad... and so close to Christmas, too..."
[sometime later...]
Him: "He'll stick those two battalions of artillery up there."
Me: "Wait. He doesn't HAVE two battalions of artillery."
Him: "That's why he'll put them there!!!"
[at a wargaming session] "Excuse me, gentlemen, I've just lost my mind."
[at a rehearsal] "It is very probable, but NOT likely, that the enemy will attack here."
PFC A: "He's a f***ing waste of skin. But that's just my opinion."
[Talking to the MI Observer/Controller at CMTC]
Him: "What do you think of my map, sir?"
O/C: "Very impressive? of course, you realize all of this information you added is out of date and completely worthless.."
Him: "Oh, yeah."
[Later?]
O/C: "Lieutenant Smith, I don't talk to you all the time because you're f***ed up...the only reason I spend all my time beating up on you is because you can actually understand what I'm saying. The other guy? I can practically hear the rocks rolling around in his head."
[After I gave the last intelligence briefing instead of Loser]
Artillery Officer: "That was the first time I actually understood what was going on. Was I supposed to?"
Me: "Yeah? that?s kind of the goal of the thing."
Artillery Officer: "Really? I don?t know about that other guy? man, it was like he was speaking in tongues."
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