Kerry's resume

[Gypsy]

Hello. My name is John Kerry and I'm running for President, I think. Please consider my qualifications as set forth in the following resume.

Resume of JOHN F. KERRY

RESIDENCE:

Seven mansions, including Washington DC, worth multi-millions.

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

College:

I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I have no higher education and did not get admitted to Harvard nor graduate with an M.B.A

Military:

I used three minor injuries to get three Purple Hearts and an early discharge from the military and service in Vietnam. I then returned to the US, joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming they committed atrocities and were baby killers.

I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I? My book "Vietnam Veterans against the War: The New Soldier" shows how I truly feel about the military.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

I ran for U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. As the voters in Massachusetts can attest, in my 32 years not a single piece of legislation bears my name.

I have no real world experience except marrying a rich women and running HJ Heinz vicariously through my wife Teresa.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS US SENATOR:

I set the record for the most liberal voting record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton.

I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself.

Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it.

I voted in favor of every liberal piece of legislation.

I have no plan to help this country but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I am elected. I make no or little charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in MA, despite family wealth in excess of $700 million.

I voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA and defense bill in my career as a US Senator.

I ordered Boston to remove a fire hydrant in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire.

Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

None.

PERSONAL

My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up.

I ride a Serotta bicycle ($6500).

My Gulfstream V Jet I call "The Flying Squirrel."

I named my $850,000 42 foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the "Scarmouche".

I don't own any SUVs but my family does, including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large polluting inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for the energy problems.

I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and you had better listen to it as it reflects our real culture.

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004