Colonoscopy Journal

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture ofgoat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate..

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Excellent. My stomach hurts for laughing.

[Rogue]

Have read this one many times before, but each time it brings a laugh, because it is so true....

[akv]

very funny, very scary, very funny, very scary... .... .... ...

[TrapLine]

I guess this is one proceedure I will be happy to be excluded from when national health care is passed.

[Red Flag 1]

FWIW,

The endoscopic procedures I attended, both upper and lower, just slept though it all. Mostly, folks would awaken and ask when we were going to get started. Great outcome in my book!

Now if you want to know the banter between the staff, well..........maybe another time.

RF 1

[greenberetTFS]

Originally Posted by Red Flag 1

FWIW,

The endoscopic procedures I attended, both upper and lower, just slept though it all. Mostly, folks would awaken and ask when we were going to get started. Great outcome in my book!

Now if you want to know the banter between the staff, well..........maybe another time.

RF 1

I was waiting for your reply,I knew you'd take the bait....... And,yes I would've loved to hear what goes on with you guys during performing this procedure......

Big Teddy

[kimberly]

Originally Posted by Red Flag 1

FWIW,

The endoscopic procedures I attended, both upper and lower, just slept though it all. Mostly, folks would awaken and ask when we were going to get started. Great outcome in my book!

Now if you want to know the banter between the staff, well..........maybe another time.

RF 1

This is a forward that has been around a while, and although Dave Barry's rendition is funny and oh-so-true, have you ever had one of those things with absolutely no anesthetic because you had to drive yourself home?

Nothing funny about it.

[Red Flag 1]

Never have. Would not suggest it, IMHO.

RF 1

[PedOncoDoc]

I've gotten some great laughs out of kids who were getting colonoscopies under conscious sedation.

One kid decided tro serenade us with his favorite Wierd Al Yankovic songs - Yoda and Amish Paradise.

A young man asked if we wee going to leave anything in there for him to find later - kind of like a surprise in a cracker jack box.

One particular wiseass started singing Zappa - "Ram it, Ram it, Ram it, Ram it up your poop shoot".

The danger of shap wit during a procedure is that it can get a bit more uncoformatable if the "driver" of the colonoscope starts laughing so hard they they aren't controllingthe scope as well as they could...

[The Reaper]

Originally Posted by PedOncoDoc

I've gotten some great laughs out of kids who were getting colonoscopies under conscious sedation.

One kid decided tro serenade us with his favorite Wierd Al Yankovic songs - Yoda and Amish Paradise.

"As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain,
I take a look at my wife, and realize she's very plain...."

TR

[ZonieDiver]

In my experience, the colonoscopy itself is not nearly as bad as the "prep" for it. I never thought I'd see that Gummy Bear I ate in '89 again! (And didn't really want to see it, either.)

[Habu-MFFI 175]

Had one last year....don't really want another. All the while the doctor is shouting....see ya in another 2 years. Now that's frightening to know that they expect you to do this every 2 years. Wheres the cam corder that you swallow....

I woke up in the middle of mine and talked to the doctor. Had a retired Navy Corpsman there and we talked for a while...not sure what about. Did turn and see the TV where all the action was at...asked the doc since I'm getting older to put some extra crack grease back there when he was done...it leaked sometimes...

<*)))))>{

Originally Posted by Habu-MFFI 175

Wheres the cam corder that you swallow....

Wireless capsule endoscopy (WCE) is a relatively new and under utilized technology. It is under utilized due to limited insurance coverage for the test. Many people have heard about the so-called "camera pill" but do not know when it can or should be done, or how it works. Many mistakenly believe that it might be a substitute for colonoscopy, a flexible lighted tube with a camera on the tip used to examine the large intestine. Colonoscopy is recommended to screen for colon cancer and the precursor of colon cancer, colon polyps, as well as a diagnostic exam for evaluation of intestinal bleeding, diarrhea or lower abdominal pain. WCE is not yet technically feasible for examination of the lower or large intestine known as the colon. Given Imaging was the first to develop this technology.

...

If the camera pill gets stuck, surgery may be required to remove it from the body. However, if this occurs, it is usually because a condition exists in the small intestine for which surgery is the treatment of choice.

Chances - 1:200 - YMMV

[GratefulCitizen]

Originally Posted by The Reaper

"As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain,
I take a look at my wife, and realize she's very plain...."

TR

Mr. Ivey (Coolio - "Gangster Paradise" ) came to the club I was working at many years ago.
When the patrons became aware of his presence, the DJ played Weird Al's "Amish Paradise".

Coolio was not amused.

It was priceless to see.
(Guess who gave the CD to the DJ )