Al-Qaeda Kidnaps Obama's Teleprompter
By Komissar Blogunov
5/23/2009, 5:15 pm
In an audacious raid Friday, al-Qaeda terrorists managed to slip past White House security and seize President Obama's teleprompter. Their demands were released in a grainy video, which apparently showed the president's teleprompter, bound and blindfolded but unharmed, while heavily armed masked men stood behind it, quoting from the Qur'an. The content of their demands is not being released.
President Obama, visibly shaken, attempted to address the White House press corps on his own. "Words, uh, um, I, uh, heh-heh, well..."
President Obama: Uh, um, I, uh, heh-heh, well...
"We need a verb!" shouted David Gregory of MSNBC.
"I uh, know that," quipped the president testily. "And... I'll make sure my staff, uh, gets back with you," he resumed after regaining his composure.
Bravely attempting to continue his speech without the teleprompter, Mr. Obama said, "Um, let me be, uh, clear. Um, this barbaric act will not be, you know, tolerated. And... We call on all nations to help us fi-fi-find that, uh, you know, teleprompter. You're either with us or, um, against us. And... I have authorized CIA director, uh, Leon Panetta to use, um, enhanced interrogation techniques to be e-e-employed to help us gain, um, like facts and stuff... that these uh, you know, evildoers may have. And... I have directed that one prisoner be executed every 30 minutes until they-they-they restore that, uh, you know, teleprompter."
Vice President Joseph "Fightin' Joe" Biden spoke next. "Let me at 'em!" the former senator growled. "I know where these people work. After our helicopter was forced down in Afghanistan, I held these thugs off for a week in bitter hand-to-hand fighting. You'd better mark my words: the only language these Neanderthals understand is brute force, and they're messing with the wrong man. Sure everybody thinks we're a bunch of imbeciles up here, and that may be true, but let me tell you, they've got another thing coming. We're in this fight for the long haul, or as I like to say it, 'If necessary for years, if necessary alone.'"
Leon Panetta, CIA Director: I'd like to address the terrorists, wherever they are hiding: If you did this because you were annoyed by our president saying "uh" too often in his speeches, then stealing the teleprompter is not going to help. Just think about it.
Janet Napolitano, DHS Secretary: I want to stop this misguided nonsense of calling terrorism "man-made disaster." A terrorist is a terrorist. They are evildoers and not "man-made disaster operators" for crying out loud!
"Until that teleprompter is found," fumed Senate majority leader Harry Reid, we must, and we will prosecute this war to victory. I assure the president of the full, bipartisan support of the US Senate. Defeat is not an option."
"Why these terrorist animals aren't on the rack having their bones slowly pulled out of their sockets is beyond me," complained House speaker Nancy Pelosi. "I mean, I know that the 9-11 attacks were totally inappropriate, and like all Americans I was shocked by the environmental damage, but this latest action is beyond the pale. Clearly, it points to the failure of the last administration," continued Pelosi. "Contrary to my urgings to use any medieval form of torture they could conceive of, they insisted on being overly concerned about the rights and humane treatment of these, these, ugh! I don't care if I personally have to pull out their fingernails with rusty pliers! That teleprompter must be restored to the American people."
In the meantime, the Pentagon has cancelled all leave while anonymous sources report that the Strategic Air Command and nuclear missile submarines have had their level of readiness raised to DEFCON 1.
http://thepeoplescube.com/red/viewtopic.php?t=3474
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