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If Patton were President
If General George Patton were alive and President of the USA today, this would probably be his Fireside Speech:
My fellow Americans:
As you all know, the defeat of Iraq’s regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning. Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of the countries that stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, Norway and Poland are some of the countries listed there.The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world’s nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call on France who, by the way, best be taking care of the tens of thousands of American military grave sites over there…from WWI and the great WWII.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to cut taxes and solve some local problems. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations: Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth, so help me God. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China. To Israel and the Palestinian Authority: You boys work out a peace deal now. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables, too.
I’m ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis. I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don’t give a damn about whatever treaty pertains to this. Pay your tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. God, but I love New York. That puts me wondering about the UN.
A special note to our neighbors to the north. Canada is on List 2. Since we are going to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I’ll have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around real soon. Guess where I’m gonna put ‘em? Yep, border security…north and south. So start doing something smart with your oil.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare… and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying damn right. Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to cut taxes here because we will not be spending tons of our hard-earned cash on other people’s problems.
I’m re-examining the need for so many of our servicemen and women to be stationed abroad. For over fifty years we’ve had a force of nearly forty thousand Americans protecting South Korea’s border. In two months our Korean forces will be returning home. It’s about high time the Koreans learn to get along.
So, to the nations on List 1, a final thought: Thanks, we owe you one. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: Drop dead.
Thank you, good night and God bless America.
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"It's better to die on your feet than live on your knees."
"Its not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me" -Batman
"There are no obstacles, only opportunities for excellence."- NousDefionsDoc
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