Things I Learned From Movies

[Sdiver]

* All cars blow up in a big fireball when they wreck.

* You should ALWAYS hold a pistol sideways in your hand.

* If you are diving or doing somersaults, you can't be shot.

* Good guys always get wounded in the left shoulder or the leg.

* Whores have hearts of gold.

* A six-shot revolver can fire nine times without reloading.

* Every Vietnam veteran has a footlocker stored somewhere with grenades, dynamite and some kind of exotic high-powered rifle in there.

* Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.

* At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

* Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

* Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

* It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

* If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

* Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

* All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

* All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

* It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

* Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even while scuba diving.

* You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

* Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

* The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

* A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

* If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

* If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

* Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

* Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

* All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off and beep loudly if they are hidden.

* A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

* Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

* When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

And a few of my own:

* You can get ANYWHERE in NYC in 10 minutes or less.

* There is ALWAYS a parking space in front of the building/business you're going to, no matter how much traffic there is.

* There are NO ugly Vampire chicks.

* Commandos eat Green Berets for breakfast.

* Every surplus store has a special/secret room in the back that has rocket launchers, radio controlled claymore mines, and crew served weapons that can be carried by a 110 lb women.

* You can blow up a speeding car with a single 9mm round.

* All snipers can make a head shot at a moving target, from '100 feet away or greater, with only one round.

[Dominus_Potior]

LOL. Man, I live by these rules everyday. Great post.

[HOLLiS]

Thanks those were great. Now I am GTG for any situtation that may come my way.


In the 50's, most cowboy six shooters were belt fed. That was a big joke back then that they had seemingly infinite rounds. No one ever reloaded. Later the movie industry started adding reloading to the scenes.

[The Reaper]

Watch how often pistols go to slide lock in a sequence as well.

If a scene calls for an actor to fire a round or two before moving or cutting to a different camera, that is the number of blanks they are issued. Always back in action when the sequence cuts back to them. They must be the fastest malfunction drillers in the world to do that. I have seen guns shot to slide lock four or five times per mag before the script actually calls for them to run dry.

Don't forget that the opponent will always stand still for whatever the good guy is doing, regardless of whether it is a haymaker or a high spinning roundhouse kick. They are just stupid like that.

Oh yeah, and a guy in a Corvette or on a sportbike cannot outrun a Crown Vic with a light bar on top. The chase will go on for miles with the bike or muscle car cutting sharp corners while the land yacht wallows and slides around them. They must reduce speed to the posted limts on the straight sections or the Crown Vics all have Roush engines with 500+ hp.

No matter how many people the good guy shoots, he leaves the scene (usually with the girl), no Miranda, no statement, no questions, no "be at the station to make a statement at 0700 tomorrow". The typical Bruce Willis "Diehard" movie would take the rest of his career to fill out the paperwork and be boarded for, much less be returned to duty with a weapon for the next episode. And where is his ammo bearer? He normally uses at least ten to twenty mags, and carries just three, max. Must be loose rounds from his pockets.

Finally, any Rube Goldberg device McGyver or Bond builds is bound by physical laws to work, no matter how improbable.

TR

[Doczilla]

Gunshot wounds to the shoulder, though traversing lungs, huge blood vessels, and nerves to the arm, don't ever cause fatal hemorrhage or tension pneumothorax or permanent nerve damage.

The proper response to a "flatline" is to shock it.

More than 15 seconds of CPR is futile. The one exception is if you scream at the patient "live, damn you, live!" Slapping is usually helpful.

The proper treatment for any patient who is not breathing from any cause is to perform a cricothyroidotomy with a pen.

Nobody on a stakeout for hours ever has to go to the bathroom.

Highly trained, heavily armed, armored SWAT teams are always led at the front by a detective who is wearing a concealable vest and carrying a six shot revolver.

All critically ill people in comas have machines that beep, whirr, and click, though none of them is actually intubated and on a ventilator.

Warning alarms on medical equipment always signal impending death.

There is always enough ammo.

Though guns are in >50% of households in this country, there is invariably none in any house that is broken into while the family is home. There is, however, always a baseball bat or golf club.

All victims must immediately be yanked from car wrecks by well-meaning bystanders or police, who can never wait for rescue tools or c-spine immobilization. This unfortunately translates to real life as well.

Powerful handgun blasts will send the victim sailing through the air on impact.

Gunshot wound to the chest causes death within seconds, only long enough for the victim to realize that he's dead.

Gunshot wounds to the brain will allow for several seconds of incredulous realization before death.

ER doctors wear ties.

Nobody dies in agony, except the aforementioned rookie who made the mistake of showing a picture of his sweetheart.

The finger belongs inside the trigger guard at all times.

SWAT teams carry blowtorches for cutting through locks on big plate glass doors that they could have just smashed.

Any cop who is visitiing on vacation is by default smarter and more competent than that city's indiginous police force.

No police officer has ever heard of the "low ready" position.

Soldiers who are hunting down fugitive green berets or musicians from Chicago have M-16s but not a single other piece of equipment or ammunition on their body.

Everyone knows how to weld.

Spaceships have advanced technology that can detect other ships from thousands of miles away, but don't have any guided munitions capable of hitting said target until they are close enough to be stabbed with a knife.


'zilla

[timeshadow (RIP)]

I like this thread! OK, here are some more:


Police department computers can instantly access a DOD database containing detailed information on every former serviceman. It even lists the names of every member of every infantry squad and ODA that you have ever served on; along with your complete 201-File, Medical Records, NCOER's, hand receipts, Jump Log, and PT Card. Likewise, every CQ Loq and Staff Duty Journal ever written in any branch of the armed forces can be accessed on-line from any computer.


Detectives usually pull all-night stakeouts while dressed in suits and ties, and parked directly under a street lamp outside the target in the most dangerous neighborhood in town. One of the officers leaves the location on foot every hour to get more coffee. The hordes of pimps, drug dealers and other hustlers walking by pay no attention to the two white dudes sitting in the car with binoculars and radio handsets.


Plainclothes officers are permitted to carry distilled spirits in steel hip flasks on their persons while on duty, and to stir it into their coffee while in full public view.


Armed criminal gangs are very ethnically diverse, and always have at least one member of every human racial group, and with whom they all enjoy friendly relations.


Narcotics detectives often stick their moistened finger-tips into large bags of unidentified white powder, and then taste it with their tongue without suffering any ill effects. Likewise, any undercover narc is authorized to possess and consume large amounts of hard I.V. drugs at any time in order to maintain "street cred". and is free to replenish his personal stash from material in the Evidence Room.


Lone detectives without backup or communications and carrying a briefcase full of cash are sent off to conduct linkups with kidnappers in an unknown location.


Anyone using a set of lock picks can pick any lock within seconds, without ever practicing, and without ever failing to gain immediate access.


Complex security alarm systems can be neutralized by snipping one wire located in an unlocked control panel outside the building.


All ex-military guys served in SF, Rangers, SMU's, Force Recon, S.E.A.L.S., etc.; and never in any ordinary unit . They also personally know every other guy who has ever served on any of these units, and are proficient in every skill set found in the armed forces.


The user of every government hand-held radio can instantly communicate in the clear with anyone on every other existing official network or frequency.


All cities have huge abandoned factories filled with functional machinery and still furnished with electric power and steam. These facilities are unguarded and easily accessed through a large hole in a chain link fence, and all mechanical systems can be activated by large toggle switches located on every wall.


Lengthy firefights featuring machine pistols, rockets and grenades and involving dozens of combatants attract no attention until just after they conclude, at which time every emergency vehicle in the city arrives at the exact same time from all directions in densely packed formations. Upon arrival, they fail to properly identify or question the unknown armed civilians still milling around the scene.


Police officers under suspension from duty frequently launch unsanctioned solitary armed infiltrations into the homes of senior organized crime figures, and are then later reinstated to the force with no legal or professional consequences to themselves.


Within hours of being admitted to a trauma center with multiple gunshot wounds, patients are lying comfortably in a private hospital room and conversing with visitors. Likewise, anyone can access any part of any hospital at any time without being challenged simply by donning a white smock.


Low-level employees of federal security agencies routinely plan and conduct unsanctioned assassinations of U.S. citizens on American soil, to include members of their own organizations. These personnel also conduct lengthy solo operations throughout the world on their own initiative without having to report to or coordinate with anyone else.


Anyone with any level of pilot training can fly and land any aircraft without any prior familiarization, and with no more than a cursory scan of the control panel.


Anyone sporting blue coveralls and a toolbox can enter any part of any airport at any time.


Veteran detectives with one week left until retirement are usually sent out against their will on a final dangerous mission with an unstable rookie partner who they intensely dislike.
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- Marty

[jwt5]

Reminds me of a conversation I had with a recruiter for a LE agency down here. He was prepping me for an oral review board and said to me, "just don't be like the last guy I sent, when asked why he wanted to be a cop, he said, 'well, I watched a lot of COPS (the show) when I was younger and looks pretty easy".

TR- How about when the slide locks back and the actor continues to fire... and the sound effects continue?

[echoes]

Things I Learned From Movies:

John Wayne was Hot in "The Green Berets"

and SF Men are...Hot!

Holly

[RTK]

I learned George Clooney will not take a part in a movie as a Soldier unless he gets to wear at least two tabs and every skill badge made. The President's Hundred tab is not in his contract.

[TooTall]

And no one just gets wounded, at least seriously wounded. It is acceptable for a lead character to receive a light wound which they can shrug off with the words "I'm alright", though obviously in intense pain.

[RTK]

In the movies, hardly anyone ever farts.

Jack Bauer can hold a piss for 24 hours.

If the end of the world is coming, only 3 people will know and they are, coincidentally, the only people on earth equiped with the knowledge to stop it.

[chance]

''In the movies, hardly anyone ever farts''.

I think thats because of the movie Blazing Saddles they pretty much took care of that for the next couple of hundred years.

''Can we have some more beans Mr Taghart.''

[jwt5]

Let's not forget that all assasins/commandos/cops that are "good" can shoot the gun out of a person's hand, where as the "bad" assasins/commandos can't hit anything with their fully automatic weapons.

[82ndtrooper]

Steven Seagal:

He's served with Army SF, Army Ranger, Delta Force, Navy SEALs, EOD, CIA, NSA, FBI, DEA, OSHA, Marine Force Recon, Federal Marshals and every single city PD in the Northeast U.S. Yet through all this training he still runs like a little girl.

He is Combat dive qaulified, military freefall quailifed, Advanced urban combat, Advanced recon and target exploitation qaulified, a P100 shooter, IDPA 10 time National champ, attended OTC, went to Panama with SEAL Teams and struck his superior officer and was then made a cook with knife throwing skills, EOD skills, dive skills, weapons expert, naval gunfire expert, submariner, flight deck boss, Air boss, and even flies a helo pretty well.

He's been undercover in a prison and shot the prettiest woman that invaded said prison and made friends with all the felons, murderers, and rapists. Prisons have an arsenal of military hardware and every inmate knows how to use each small arms and crew served weapons yet he only used the 1911 .45 ACP to take out large steel objects that fall on his opponents.


Geeeez, I could continue but I won't.

Oh yeah, he's the only cop that I've seen actually wear a Black Beret with the Ranger Regiment Flash with a "De Oppresso Liber" Crest.

[Team Sergeant]

Originally Posted by Sdiver

* * If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

Get your facts straight!

The movie the above quote refers to is "The Saint".

Val Kilmer plays "Simon Templar" and is out to steal the COLD FUSION formula invented by female scientist Dr. Emma Russell, played by Elisabeth Shue.

That's pretty blonde & "cold fusion" expert.

Am I the only one that reads "Scientific American".

Team Sergeant
(Understands the difference between nuclear fission and cold fusion. TS also knows what nuclear process the sun uses to generate energy......)