Mall Ninja Incident Report

**The Reaper** · 03-13-2006, 10:09

Hot off the wire.

TR

"As I was leaving my house for the 7-11, I stuffed my Glock 10mm "man gun" Mexican style in my pants. My backup is a fully customized 1911 with all the IPSC add-on options in my $500.00 leather pancake holster custom made by Belgian Monks who have devoted their lives to silence and holster making. These are the ones used by Delta, which I used to be a part of but all records of my activities were destroyed in a fire "accident".

I put on my Royal Robbins photographer vest to match my pants while wearing a T-Shirt underneath reading "RANGER." That way, nobody can see what I'm packing. I had my Centennial .38 Special in my ankle holster, just like the gun rag guys carry. Lastly I had my "Covert Sniper" I.D. Card in my wallet with my "Concealed Weapons Permit Badge".

I was ready for anything.

I drove my "bug-out truck" to the 7-11 for some beer, 'cause you never know. It is a performance-styled Subaru BRAT with 4 cylinders of ground pounding fury.

I pull up to the 7-11 store and notice a nervous looking girl scout eyeballing me from the back of her mother's SUV. A likely cover. The mother returned to the truck and went for the keys in her purse, but I knew from my years of combat-honed instincts that she was actually making a furtive movement for an offensive weapon. I attempted a tactical shoulder roll, but fell flat on my face, kind of flopping on the pavement to avoid any incoming rounds and to make it look like I meant to do that.

The store owner called 911 which is good, because I then did a roll and attempted to draw my Glock. Unfortunately, since I did not have a holster, the gun "went off" and the bullet creased my wiener. But I was prepared for that and bit down on a 9mm casing to take my mind off the pain as I dove for the garbage barrel. That's when I noticed the girl scout shouting something to her mother who began to take cover. I knew they were closing on me so I drew my trusty custom

1911 Wilson COMBAT....I knew that they would be impressed with that.

I then duck walked to the front of her SUV but my gut kinda got in the way and I fell on my ass, which caused me to swallow my 9mm casing.

I then tried to roll to my right, but didn't want to scuff my holster, so I just threw myself into a telephone pole, but I landed on my right side anyway. So I fired one shot towards the woman's SUV to pin them down as I recovered my wind.

Before the mother knew what was happening, I charged her and I threw my groin into her knee. I knew that as I vomited on the ground in front of her that I had interrupted her OODA loop, and I had the advantage now. As she ran screaming for the Girl Scout (I knew she was going for backup) I made for my super-charged BRAT tactical truck.

I jumped into the driver seat, forgetting that I had left my rare Israeli contract AR 15 Bayonet on the seat (honed to a razors edge). I could handle it though; half my ass is an implant from war wounds. As I attempted to start my truck, police and paramedics arrived on the scene.

My truck would not start and instead backfired once and caused the police to taze me.

At this point, I tactically soiled myself while in convulsions. My custom 1911 then fell out the window, but I still had my Centennial .38. I knew then that I had to take out the woman with the purse. So I aimed my revolver at her, at which point the first police officer fired once striking me in the chest. Fortunately, I was wearing my level 3A body armor.

I didn't want to hurt the cops, they had obviously been duped by the evil temptress who was now embracing her partner in crime and crying to the police in the background - I knew it was a ruse. I pulled out my concealed weapons permit badge and showed it to the officer who shot me and yelled out "I'm one of you guys!!!" He continued to cover me, and ordered me to drop my 38 so I laid it down. After all, I still had my bayonet attached to my ass. The cop walked toward me, and upon reading the badge maced me right in the eyes.

Fortunately, my Oakley shooting glasses stopped most of the spray and I was able to rip free of the Taser cords easily. It only cost me one nipple...easily replaced. I dove for the passenger side of my truck and began to run zig zag for a ditch. Unfortunately, the bayonet sticking out of my ass slowed me down. I knew it would have to be hand-to-hand now.

I knew the cop couldn't take me when I saw he merely carried a Glock 17, not a man's gun. So I immediately threw my eye into his right hook, followed by a knee into his mag light. As I lay thrashing on the ground, I took the heel of my Bates enforcer boot and kicked at the cops ankle. I knew from my classified experiences in Tajikistan that once I broke his ankle, the cop would fall down and I could "stun kick" him in the head, knocking him out but not hurting him.

Apparently the cop had also been to Tajikistan, because he side stepped me and struck me in the back with his ASP baton, but my trauma plate absorbed it. I then drew my Benchmade auto knife and was promptly tased again, but I was ready for it this time and only wet myself a little bit. Next thing those cops knew, I was unconscious.

That'll teach 'em."

HOLLiS · 03-13-2006, 12:26

LOLOL, I knew the guy wasn't a pro, he did not have is M4 fully tactically equip main weapon w/ the blooper gun accessories.

Nuke · 03-14-2006, 04:06

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Reaper

At this point, I tactically soiled myself

LOLOL....I'll have to remember that one.

gunnerjohn · 03-14-2006, 23:46

OMG... Springfield has this guy's twin brother. But he drives a big white 4x4 Van with a cattle guard.
Loved it!!!!!

MeC86 · 06-28-2008, 17:11

As a cop....that might be one of the funniest things I've ever read.

Five-O · 06-28-2008, 17:45

These people really do exist...really.

JJ_BPK · 06-28-2008, 19:32

Phantastic,, I think Dr Phil would love to do a three(3) show triliogy, with Tom Cruise as the stunt double,, and Oprah as the LOVE GODEST

frostfire · 06-28-2008, 22:56

http://www.professionalsoldiers.com/...ht=Subaru+BRAT

SF18C · 06-29-2008, 02:25

I don't get it

...why did he have a 9MM round?

2 Block Secured · 07-01-2008, 21:35

more unauthorized heroics

Loadsmasher · 07-02-2008, 08:05

The Mall Ninja Strikes Again.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/01/us...ewanted=1&_r=1

Go Devil · 08-01-2008, 10:12

I know this is an old thread, but I found it today and was reminded of a predicament a former co-worker found himself in.

The co-worker was a valiant individual who was over weight and out of shape, but was prepared for any aggressor.
He would not stoop to purchase foreign products unless they were collector knives or 9mm hand guns, that is why his assault vehicle of choice happened to be a U.S. manufactured, Dodge Raider.

The hundreds of knives in his collection were secured in a nylon gym bag and stored in the rear of the "Raider". The thousands of rounds multi-caliber ordnance he kept next to the collector knives gave him comfort as he patrolled the highways and byways in his "Raider". He also knew that if he were to run low on ammo or if any of the "assault" rifles (3, triggers modified, each) malfunctioned he would be able to dispatch his enemy with the aid of his chrome plated, laser equipped, 9mm, S/A, hip mounted, Taurus pistols, (2, matching, each).

The short wheel base of the Raider was his downfall while patrolling the icy roads one night. He was weary from the hours of vigilance and was medicating his diabetes by "tokin' on a number" and probably listening to a worn out cassette of the Eagles.
The Raider lost traction, rolled on it's side, and ejected all of its "Survival Supplies" over two lanes of interstate.

The emergency personnel that arrived shut down the interstate as all of the unpacked ammunition, knives, assault rifles, and roaches were collected from both lanes of traffic .

The co-worker "Had to take a few days off work, 'cause the F$%$'s said they had to run the numbers on his guns.."

Soft Target · 08-01-2008, 12:24

Funny that the subject mentioned the ST Louis fire. "...records of my activities were destroyed in a fire "accident". " I believe the incident occurred in '73. I've lost count of the times that the "Fire" was blamed for lost records; even those dated a significant time afterward.

**Team Sergeant** · 08-01-2008, 12:39

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soft Target

Funny that the subject mentioned the ST Louis fire. "...records of my activities were destroyed in a fire "accident". " I believe the incident occurred in '73. I've lost count of the times that the "Fire" was blamed for lost records; even those dated a significant time afterward.

http://www.archives.gov/st-louis/mil...fire-1973.html

Yes it was 1973, I know because all my top secret missions into N Korea, Russia, China, Disney World and Iran and all of my Space Shuttle Free Fall jumps were in those destroyed records.

ZonieDiver · 08-01-2008, 13:01

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soft Target

Funny that the subject mentioned the ST Louis fire. "...records of my activities were destroyed in a fire "accident". " I believe the incident occurred in '73. I've lost count of the times that the "Fire" was blamed for lost records; even those dated a significant time afterward.

Yes, but the NPRC in St. Louis doesn't need a major fire to "lose" records. I don't fall into the category of lost records from the '73 fire (I'm old, but not that old!), but when I sought a copy of my DD-214, all I got was this really cheesy looking certificate-type paper that is issued ILO the real deal 214. They said it was due to "lost records"! Now I have to go through a bunch of papers to find the original 214. I think they have had a series of "fires" over the years - probably occurring when the paperwork on various desks got too tall.