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TheHulk
12-07-2015, 09:05
The choice of trying out for SF as an 18X was not an impulse decision. This is something Ive carefully thought about for a few years. Once I knew what I needed to do, I started training and taking care of my finances to accommodate for military pay as opposed to my civilian job. My wife (really GF but in Texas is common law wife since we've been together for 11yrs) seemed on the fence at first then reluctantly agreed with my decision and why I made it. Now however, she has completely changed her mind and is now telling me she will pack up her things and take my son and unborn daughter away if I continue down this path. I have made sure to do most of my training when my family is asleep and rarely talk about it as Im not a fan about talking things up until it is actually set in stone (or contract signed). I know the move she has made is kinda selfish but she thinks it is justified because 'Im making a conscious choice to leave my family'.

Just wondering if anyone else has encountered this and what they ultimately did. I know in the scheme of things this choice is not a selfish decision and my kids will understand why. Her behavior has put a speed bump in my training and was just curious if anyone had any feedback.

This is something I have been needing to do for quite some time and with everything that is going on now, it has only cemented my decision to try out as an 18X.

Team Sergeant
12-07-2015, 09:50
We are not fighting WWIII. Your decision will not turn the tide on worldwide islamic terrorism. Pull your head out of your ass and take care of your family first.

And remember your age combined with your lack of commitment I'd give you less than a 5% chance of making it anyway.

JJ_BPK
12-07-2015, 09:57
Your PLAN is woefully incomplete.

If you think a plan does not include your loved ones, you have failed. Family support is paramount.

That does not mean that if the family supports your effort,, something down the line could and many times does cause a breakup.

My $00.0002

Peregrino
12-07-2015, 12:26
You have bigger issues than whether or not to join the military and attempt SF. You should thank your cohabitant for opening your eyes to them. (Cohabitant because IIRC the military doesn't recognize common law marriages.) Hard to blame her for taking an attitude; if you aren't comfortable enough with your relationship to commit to her and your children, she isn't going to be comfortable enough with it to commit to you disappearing for a minimum of 2+ years for training, and we're not going to be overly impressed with your dedication to purpose and any chances that you'll actually succeed in the SFQC.

TheHulk
12-07-2015, 13:44
I have read your responses several times over and appreciate the feedback. I will reassess as needed and implement the changes.

Thank you.

glebo
12-07-2015, 14:25
Is it just 18X she's against, or the Army as a whole??

Either way, it will be CONSTANTLY on your mind, and you will not be able to give 110+% on your mission. If she's not in it, then don't do it. You will not commit what you need to.

Good luck in what you decide to do. But, you've had good advice here from those who have BTDT.

I met my wife after I'd been in Gp for about 5 yrs., she was the daughter of a retired SF'er...she knew what she was getting into. I also know she had the B-tm covered whilst I was away saving the universe. I knew I could focus, and not worry about drama/household shit in the rear. Makes all the difference in the world.

TrapperFrank
12-07-2015, 15:00
My advice to you is if your spouse/significant other is not on board with the program, do not do it! My ex-wife was not on board with the program and she made my life/time in the military a living hell. The way I see it, you have some decisions to make. Best of luck to you in your future endevours and God bless you and your family.

SittingElf
12-07-2015, 16:05
Deleted.

Unintentionally posted inappropriately.

Apologies to QP's.

Frank

Bechorg
12-07-2015, 22:49
I will give you different perspective on this because my outlook is a bit different when it comes to marriage and family and what SF means to me.

My marriage began with my wife understanding that SF and my career is paramount in my life. The Army controls where I go and what I do, and it was made clear that she will never be able to trump it. SF provides the majority of direction and purpose in my life, as well of most of my short and long term goals. To take it away would take away what gets me up in the morning. I would eventually be able to replace it, but it would take a long time.

Being in the Army serves the greater good, and it is very possible that someday serving in this position will save lives, if not many lives. Whether that happens or not is irrelevant, because it's possible. Again, the greater good. It may be the wrong attitude for some, but the greater good will always take priority, even if that means my marriage has to end.

All said, I do not have children and do not plan on having children. I don't think my stance would be the same if I did. I think it all comes down to whether or not you can live with yourself by at least attempting to be SF. I will say it is one hell of a gamble with a low chance of success, with a ton on the line. I honestly say I would hate to be in your situation. If I were you I would look into other ways of serving (EMT, police, firefighter). Good luck with your decision.

miclo18d
12-08-2015, 06:00
I'll also throw in my .02 with a different perspective.

My EXWIFE was fully on board with SF and supported me. Until she didn't. No warning, left me right before an A-Stan deployment, took the kids, and went and shacked up in a different state with some dude. (Ultimately I'm better off for it but it hurt at the time.)

I'll try to throw some caveats in here:
1. You have been living with this woman for 11 years and are having a 2nd child with here and you don't have the cajones to pull the trigger and marry her? WTFO?

2. I have seen many times wives give the ultimatum to get out of a certain unit because the unit is destroying the marriage. They get out of the unit and the wife leaves them anyway. Point: it wasn't the unit, it was the marriage.

3. My wife told me this about how men and women interact: "When a man says no, it means NO. When a woman says no, it's the beginning of negotiations." If you love her and want it to stay that way, don't join. She has already given you a NO. Even if you convince her to change her mind, it will come back to what she wants and then... See the first part of my post.

4. Figure out who's being selfish here. If you, just forget this nonsense. If her, maybe you'd be better of on your own. Remember that you have kids with her and that's a big responsibility. One that I don't take lightly. I ended up driving 12 hours to go "liberate" my kids from the ex while in ACAP. I was lucky to be retiring, that I could keep them with me without having to jump through a thousand hoops that the military makes you do to be a single parent! That said divorce lawyers, child support, visits, using the kids against each other.... Is it worth jumping out of an airplane?


There is a lot of good advice and experience in this thread, take heed to all of it!

Dusty
12-08-2015, 06:05
IMO you should stick to whatever you promised her from the gitgo.
No-brainer.

Joker
12-08-2015, 06:23
She is going to dump you.

You aren't driven enough to make it through SF training.

To prove me wrong you will need to step up, man up, and do right by the mother of your two kids. Until you show her you are dedicated to her, why should she be dedicated to you?

Re driven, don't be a hand wringing waffle.

Team Sergeant
12-08-2015, 09:52
Some of us have been more than fortunate in our marriages.

I work overseas half the year on a 4-week rotation. It took some doing, but my wife prepared for it and supports my occupational choice completely. (It also helps that she is a COL Select in the Air Force, and has deployed herself). I'm sure that the QP's here will tell you that SF, like some other occupations (I'm a heavy helicopter pilot who works in Africa when away from home) absolutely requires a strong woman (or husband) to accept the sacrifices that long absences from home require, while continuing to love and fully support their partner. If you don't have the backing of your partner, you will both suffer, and for you, that means both mentally, and in 24/7 performance. I wouldn't want you protecting my six if you were not 100% focused on the mission, vice thinking about home problems.

In my field, there is a terrible disease that is caused by this issue. It's call AIDS.
(Aviation Induced Divorce Syndrome);) Fortunately, I have the perfect spouse and just celebrated 21 years of a one and only marriage!

Good luck to you.

SittingElf Read the following:


Special Forces Questions

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is a forum where civilians can "ask" the Special Forces soldiers past and present "Special Forces" related questions.

Those questions are then answered by Special Forces soldiers, period.

Questions asked by the general public should NOT be answered by the "general" public.

If you do not have the title of "Quiet Professional" you may ask a question, but leave the "answers" to the QP's.


Next time take your advice to a PM (message) if you feel that strongly.
TS

P36
12-08-2015, 11:50
Never mind.

Dobi84
12-08-2015, 12:45
We are not fighting WWIII. Your decision will not turn the tide on worldwide islamic terrorism. Pull your head out of your ass and take care of your family first.

And remember your age combined with your lack of commitment I'd give you less than a 5% chance of making it anyway.

I get his commitment issuses but why would age be a factor. I'm 31 and in the best shape I've ever been in my entire life.

Dusty
12-08-2015, 13:09
I get his commitment issuses but why would age be a factor. I'm 31 and in the best shape I've ever been in my entire life.

Maybe he's getting forgetful, failing to follow instructions, stuff like that.

Dobi84
12-08-2015, 13:27
Maybe he's getting forgetful, failing follow instructions, stuff like that.

Ok, yeah I looked at it again and thought, at his age and still having commitment issues. Sorry, I'm sort of in a similar boat but not. I'm married with 1 kid. For me there was no discussion, ultimatum, or debate I basically told her my plans after the fact, and that was that. My wife knows me and I'm very headstrong. I want this more than anything right now and based on my actions alone,(just ask my wife), there is no question about my commitment or priorities for that matter.

Some may think thats sad but it is what it is. If it's God's will than so be it.

Am I wrong for having this kind of mentality?

Dusty
12-08-2015, 13:31
Ok, yeah I looked at it again and thought, at his age and still having commitment issues. Sorry, I was sort of in a similar boat but not. I'm married with 1 kid. For me there was no discussion, ultimatum, or debate I basically told her my plans after the fact, and that was that. My wife knows me and I'm very headstrong. I want this more than anything right now and based on my actions alone,(just ask my wife), there is no question about my commitment or priorities for that matter.

Some may think thats sad but it is what it is. If it's God's will than so be it.

Yeah.
Hey, have you read post #13 on this very thread, yet? :munchin

Dobi84
12-08-2015, 13:40
By no means is my post to be taken as advice. I'm actually seeking advice on whether or not I'm wrong or selfish for thinking that way.

Dusty
12-08-2015, 13:54
By no means is my post to be taken as advice. I'm actually seeking advice on whether or not I'm wrong or selfish for thinking that way.

In my case, it was plainly understood that I was gonna be gone, just about all the time. It's hard on a marriage unless both parties understand that going in, and are both strong enough to stick it out (or even embrace it-or something in-between).

You gotta be able to focus 100 percent on the tasks at hand, and both of you need to know that.

Seems that the wives who are most comfortable in the support role are the ones who are proud to be in that role.

I don't think I was selfish for setting SF as a goal; no.

Team Sergeant
12-08-2015, 14:10
I get his commitment issuses but why would age be a factor. I'm 31 and in the best shape I've ever been in my entire life.

I love when people say "I'm (place age here usually between 30-50) and I'm in the best shape of my life!"

Good for you, what happened to 18-30? By the time I was 19 I was an animal and a killing machine.

By 23 I was a Special Forces animal and a more skilled killing machine.

At 39 I retired from the military. So you're going to start at 31 and maybe, maybe make it to a team as an E-5 by the time you're say 34?

Good luck with that. Can't wait to hear the 20 year old SF Staff Sergeant calling you grandpa.

JJ_BPK
12-08-2015, 15:20
Ok, yeah I looked at it again and thought,

Sorry, I'm sort of in a similar boat but not. I'm married with 1 kid.

For me there was no discussion, ultimatum, or debate I basically told her my plans after the fact, and that was that.

My wife knows me and I'm very headstrong. I want this more than anything right now and based on my actions alone,(just ask my wife), there is no question about my commitment or priorities for that matter.

Some may think thats sad but it is what it is. If it's God's will than so be it.

Am I wrong for having this kind of mentality?

Yes, re-read the QP posts.

Family has to be part of the equation.

Old Dog New Trick
12-08-2015, 15:56
I love when people say "I'm (place age here usually between 30-50) and I'm in the best shape of my life!"

Good for you, what happened to 18-30? By the time I was 19 I was an animal and a killing machine.

By 23 I was a Special Forces animal and a more skilled killing machine.

At 39 I retired from the military. So you're going to start at 31 and maybe, maybe make it to a team as an E-5 by the time you're say 34?

Good luck with that. Can't wait to hear the 20 year old SF Staff Sergeant calling you grandpa.

You forgot to say, at 36 I was a broken shell of my former self just pushing myself to accomplish the mission. The missions, the falls, the jumps, the weight of the ever decreasing 100 pounds of lightweight equipment still weighed 100 pounds.

I went into SF at 25ish after being in the Infanrty for eight years, I was in good shape, by 31 I was in great shape, 33 "best shape of my life," after that it was one injury at a time and I learned and accepted that as I got older I didn't heal as fast, didn't bounce as well.

Knowing what I and most of us know, there is a "prime time" for being in SF. If you can't keep up there is a time to go find another job. That's a hard pill to swallow but must be...the mission comes first. They only keep the broken old guys around to impart knowledge and wisdom on the next generation. If you're just an old guy without knowledge and wisdom of SF's mission you're not of very much value.

I didn't marry until I knew my career was nearly over, didn't have a child until after retirement, right now and back then it was 100% Army, 110% SF, there were no competing interests. Today my son is 100% of my interest and everything from marriage to job is only a way of supporting that.

So ask yourself, what do you have to offer, how long can you give, and are you truly doing this for country, duty and honor of your brothers?

SF has a very high divorce rate of those that had a strong marriage because choices are made, and those that make those choices are better or worse for it. Ultimately, it's the children who suffer a selfish father or a mother with misplaced loyalties. For the families who make it work I've never seen a stronger bond and level of devotion and pride in the accomplishments of their children. Many boys who follow in their father's footsteps becoming men who will make the same sacrifice they hated as youngsters. Oh, and daughters that go on to outstanding achievements of their own.

Good luck in your choice, but make it for all the right reasons.

TheHulk
12-08-2015, 19:12
I have learned an enormous amount about the 'total equation' from this thread and all of the input.
For some reason, my initial thought process for joining involved;

TRY OUT FOR SF
BE OF SERVICE

I was clearly leaving out who will have me after the Army is done with me. I now know why my plan was 'woefully' incomplete.

As far as commitment, marriage never meant to me what it is supposed to be. I now understand, that is incorrect.

Thank you again for the replies, the advice has done more than you know.

Team Sergeant
12-08-2015, 20:27
TRY OUT FOR SF
BE OF SERVICE



First learn to be a good man to those you are responsible for... then a good American.

You need not be a Special Forces soldier to be a "great" American. There are millions of great Americans that never served in the military.

SF_BHT
12-08-2015, 21:46
Why are all of these non QP's answering questions in the SF Questions threads. Please read the stickies and follow the rules!!!!:munchin

Dobi84
12-09-2015, 04:27
Thank you QP for all your words of wisdom and advice. I still feel a strong pulling and desire, if not more than ever now, to tryout for SF. My only problem was failing to include my family into that equation.

Team Sergeant

Right now I can only hope & pray that I'm even fortunate enough, to be graced with a spot on a team, and be called "grandpa". Until then I'll keep on keeping on training, training, training, smartly of course.

x SF med
12-14-2015, 15:06
Why are all of these non QP's answering questions in the SF Questions threads. Please read the stickies and follow the rules!!!!:munchin


I believe we might be speaking a different language than the non-QP's... Nah, we're clearly speaking the lingua franca of this country, for the current time, at least. Maybe they don't teach reading comprehension anymore, or they're all special snowflakes who have rules that only others have to obey?


Clearly, I seem to be as confused as you, I wonder why?:confused::eek:

Mike
12-14-2015, 16:11
I remember when at least one divorce was a not so whimsical requirement for SF.

Being in a 11 year non matrimonial relationship with a kid and another on the way is pretty fucked up and says a lot.

Do yourself and SF a favor and deal with your life in a responsible matter.

I would not like you at my back.

VVVV
12-14-2015, 16:36
By no means is my post to be taken as advice. I'm actually seeking advice on whether or not I'm wrong or selfish for thinking that way.

Yes you are!