Wife Ultimatum

TheHulk · 12-07-2015, 09:05

The choice of trying out for SF as an 18X was not an impulse decision. This is something Ive carefully thought about for a few years. Once I knew what I needed to do, I started training and taking care of my finances to accommodate for military pay as opposed to my civilian job. My wife (really GF but in Texas is common law wife since we've been together for 11yrs) seemed on the fence at first then reluctantly agreed with my decision and why I made it. Now however, she has completely changed her mind and is now telling me she will pack up her things and take my son and unborn daughter away if I continue down this path. I have made sure to do most of my training when my family is asleep and rarely talk about it as Im not a fan about talking things up until it is actually set in stone (or contract signed). I know the move she has made is kinda selfish but she thinks it is justified because 'Im making a conscious choice to leave my family'.

Just wondering if anyone else has encountered this and what they ultimately did. I know in the scheme of things this choice is not a selfish decision and my kids will understand why. Her behavior has put a speed bump in my training and was just curious if anyone had any feedback.

This is something I have been needing to do for quite some time and with everything that is going on now, it has only cemented my decision to try out as an 18X.

**Team Sergeant** · 12-07-2015, 09:50

We are not fighting WWIII. Your decision will not turn the tide on worldwide islamic terrorism. Pull your head out of your ass and take care of your family first.

And remember your age combined with your lack of commitment I'd give you less than a 5% chance of making it anyway.

JJ_BPK · 12-07-2015, 09:57

Your PLAN is woefully incomplete.

If you think a plan does not include your loved ones, you have failed. Family support is paramount.

That does not mean that if the family supports your effort,, something down the line could and many times does cause a breakup.

My $00.0002

**Peregrino** · 12-07-2015, 12:26

You have bigger issues than whether or not to join the military and attempt SF. You should thank your cohabitant for opening your eyes to them. (Cohabitant because IIRC the military doesn't recognize common law marriages.) Hard to blame her for taking an attitude; if you aren't comfortable enough with your relationship to commit to her and your children, she isn't going to be comfortable enough with it to commit to you disappearing for a minimum of 2+ years for training, and we're not going to be overly impressed with your dedication to purpose and any chances that you'll actually succeed in the SFQC.

TheHulk · 12-07-2015, 13:44

I have read your responses several times over and appreciate the feedback. I will reassess as needed and implement the changes.

Thank you.

glebo · 12-07-2015, 14:25

Is it just 18X she's against, or the Army as a whole??

Either way, it will be CONSTANTLY on your mind, and you will not be able to give 110+% on your mission. If she's not in it, then don't do it. You will not commit what you need to.

Good luck in what you decide to do. But, you've had good advice here from those who have BTDT.

I met my wife after I'd been in Gp for about 5 yrs., she was the daughter of a retired SF'er...she knew what she was getting into. I also know she had the B-tm covered whilst I was away saving the universe. I knew I could focus, and not worry about drama/household shit in the rear. Makes all the difference in the world.

TrapperFrank · 12-07-2015, 15:00

My advice to you is if your spouse/significant other is not on board with the program, do not do it! My ex-wife was not on board with the program and she made my life/time in the military a living hell. The way I see it, you have some decisions to make. Best of luck to you in your future endevours and God bless you and your family.

SittingElf · 12-07-2015, 16:05

Deleted.

Unintentionally posted inappropriately.

Apologies to QP's.

Frank

Bechorg · 12-07-2015, 22:49

I will give you different perspective on this because my outlook is a bit different when it comes to marriage and family and what SF means to me.

My marriage began with my wife understanding that SF and my career is paramount in my life. The Army controls where I go and what I do, and it was made clear that she will never be able to trump it. SF provides the majority of direction and purpose in my life, as well of most of my short and long term goals. To take it away would take away what gets me up in the morning. I would eventually be able to replace it, but it would take a long time.

Being in the Army serves the greater good, and it is very possible that someday serving in this position will save lives, if not many lives. Whether that happens or not is irrelevant, because it's possible. Again, the greater good. It may be the wrong attitude for some, but the greater good will always take priority, even if that means my marriage has to end.

All said, I do not have children and do not plan on having children. I don't think my stance would be the same if I did. I think it all comes down to whether or not you can live with yourself by at least attempting to be SF. I will say it is one hell of a gamble with a low chance of success, with a ton on the line. I honestly say I would hate to be in your situation. If I were you I would look into other ways of serving (EMT, police, firefighter). Good luck with your decision.

miclo18d · 12-08-2015, 06:00

I'll also throw in my .02¢ with a different perspective.

My EXWIFE was fully on board with SF and supported me. Until she didn't. No warning, left me right before an A-Stan deployment, took the kids, and went and shacked up in a different state with some dude. (Ultimately I'm better off for it but it hurt at the time.)

I'll try to throw some caveats in here:
1. You have been living with this woman for 11 years and are having a 2nd child with here and you don't have the cajones to pull the trigger and marry her? WTFO?

2. I have seen many times wives give the ultimatum to get out of a certain unit because the unit is destroying the marriage. They get out of the unit and the wife leaves them anyway. Point: it wasn't the unit, it was the marriage.

3. My wife told me this about how men and women interact: "When a man says no, it means NO. When a woman says no, it's the beginning of negotiations." If you love her and want it to stay that way, don't join. She has already given you a NO. Even if you convince her to change her mind, it will come back to what she wants and then... See the first part of my post.

4. Figure out who's being selfish here. If you, just forget this nonsense. If her, maybe you'd be better of on your own. Remember that you have kids with her and that's a big responsibility. One that I don't take lightly. I ended up driving 12 hours to go "liberate" my kids from the ex while in ACAP. I was lucky to be retiring, that I could keep them with me without having to jump through a thousand hoops that the military makes you do to be a single parent! That said divorce lawyers, child support, visits, using the kids against each other.... Is it worth jumping out of an airplane?

There is a lot of good advice and experience in this thread, take heed to all of it!

Dusty · 12-08-2015, 06:05

IMO you should stick to whatever you promised her from the gitgo.
No-brainer.

**Joker** · 12-08-2015, 06:23

She is going to dump you.

You aren't driven enough to make it through SF training.

To prove me wrong you will need to step up, man up, and do right by the mother of your two kids. Until you show her you are dedicated to her, why should she be dedicated to you?

Re driven, don't be a hand wringing waffle.

**Team Sergeant** · 12-08-2015, 09:52

Quote:

Originally Posted by SittingElf

Some of us have been more than fortunate in our marriages.

I work overseas half the year on a 4-week rotation. It took some doing, but my wife prepared for it and supports my occupational choice completely. (It also helps that she is a COL Select in the Air Force, and has deployed herself). I'm sure that the QP's here will tell you that SF, like some other occupations (I'm a heavy helicopter pilot who works in Africa when away from home) absolutely requires a strong woman (or husband) to accept the sacrifices that long absences from home require, while continuing to love and fully support their partner. If you don't have the backing of your partner, you will both suffer, and for you, that means both mentally, and in 24/7 performance. I wouldn't want you protecting my six if you were not 100% focused on the mission, vice thinking about home problems.

In my field, there is a terrible disease that is caused by this issue. It's call AIDS.
(Aviation Induced Divorce Syndrome)

Fortunately, I have the perfect spouse and just celebrated 21 years of a one and only marriage!

Good luck to you.

SittingElf Read the following:

Special Forces Questions

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is a forum where civilians can "ask" the Special Forces soldiers past and present "Special Forces" related questions.

Those questions are then answered by Special Forces soldiers, period.

Questions asked by the general public should NOT be answered by the "general" public.

If you do not have the title of "Quiet Professional" you may ask a question, but leave the "answers" to the QP's.

Next time take your advice to a PM (message) if you feel that strongly.
TS

P36 · 12-08-2015, 11:50

Never mind.

Dobi84 · 12-08-2015, 12:45

Quote:

Originally Posted by Team Sergeant

We are not fighting WWIII. Your decision will not turn the tide on worldwide islamic terrorism. Pull your head out of your ass and take care of your family first.

And remember your age combined with your lack of commitment I'd give you less than a 5% chance of making it anyway.

I get his commitment issuses but why would age be a factor. I'm 31 and in the best shape I've ever been in my entire life.