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The Shit List
THE SHIT LIST
GHOST SHIT:
You know you've shit, there's shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the toilet.
TEFLON SHIT:
Comes out so slick, clean, & easy that you don't even feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper. You have to look for shit in the toilet to be sure you did.
GOOEY SHIT:
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
SECOND THOUGHTS SHIT:
You're all done wiping your ass and you are about to stand up when you realize it - you've got to shit some more.
POP-A-VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT:
This is the kind of shit that killed Elvis [unless you live in Kalamazoo]. It just doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty and trembling and purple from straining so hard.
RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT:
You shit so much, you lose ten pounds.
RIGHT NOW SHIT:
You'd better be within thirty seconds of a toilet. Usually it has it's head out before you get your pants down.
GREEN SHIT:
Comes the day after eating a big spinach salad.
KING KONG (a/k/a "COMMODE CHOKER") SHIT:
This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of shit also happens at someone else's house.
CORK SHIT:
Also known as "THE FLOATERS". Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My God, how do I get rid of it. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.
WET CHEEKS SHIT:
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a big splash that gets your ass all wet.
WISH SHIT:
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times. But no shit.
CEMENT BLOCK SHIT (a/k/a "OH GOD! OH GOD! SHIT"):
You wish you've gotten a spinal block before you shit.
SNAKE SHIT:
This shit is fairly soft, about as big around as your thumb, and at least three feet long.
MEXICAN/THAI FOOD SHIT (a/k/a "THE SCREAMERS"):
You'll know it's all right to eat again when your asshole stops burning.
BEER DRINKER'S SHIT:
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAAAAD!!! Generally, there's someone else standing outside, waiting to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.
SKUNK SHIT:
Smells like something crawled up inside you and died. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.
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