Tower to Pilot

[Weazle23]

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
Pilot: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:

"I'm fxxxing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was fxxxing bored, not fxxxing stupid!"
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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark - and I didn't land."

[Razor]

What's the difference between a fighter jet pilot and a fighter jet engine?

When you shut down the engine, it stops whining.

[Huey14]

A student pilot and his instructor are waiting on the holding point for take off permission. Ahead of them in the line is an F16.

The F16 pilot does a full reheat (afterburner) take off, going near 70degrees after rotation(liftoff).

Student: "Why does he take off that steeply?"

Instructor: "Why does a dog lick his balls?"

"Dunno."

"Because he can, stupid!"

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I've had a few gaffes on the radio myself- my instructor has a habit of pushing the PTT right when I'm in middle sentance.