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Senator: Mr Zuckerberg, could you please tell us a little about yourself before we move forward?
Zuckerberg: The details of my life are quite inconsequential...
Senator: We just need to establish a baseline so we have an idea of your thought process.
Zuckerberg: Very well, where do I begin?
Senator: Just an brief introduction will do just fine...
Zuckerberg: My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery; my mother was a 15-year-old French prostitute named Chloé with webbed feet. My father would womanize; he would drink; he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark...
...sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy; the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament
My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon...
...luge lessons
...in the spring, we'd make meat helmets
When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds — pretty standard, really...
At the age of 12, I received my first scribe.
At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian named Vilmer ritualistically shaved my testicles...
Senator: Uhm... I think there is some misunderstanding.
Zuckerberg: There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum — it's breathtaking ... I suggest you try it.
Senator: (in a hushed whisper to another member of the congressional panel) - 'Is he sitting in a booster seat? Is that the real Mark Zuckerberg or is that Mini-Mr Zuckerberg?'
...after seeing that fucking goon sitting on a booster seat, I keep waiting for a shot of him holding a bald cat !!!
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Opinions stated in this post are solely those of the author, and in no way reflect the opinions or policies of The Department of Defense, The United States Army, The Royal Canadian Mounted Police, The Screen Actors Guild, The Boy Scouts, The Good, The Bad, or The Ugly. These opinions are provided purely as overly sarcastic social commentary and are not meant to be used for mission planning or navigation.
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