Chinese Women's Gymnastics Team disqualified

[Gypsy]

8/20/2008, 2:54 p.m. EDT
BEIJING, China (PR) -- The Chinese Women's Gymnastics Team may have taken the Olympic Gold Medal in team competition, but were officially disqualified earlier today due to age falsification.

News sources had reported over the weekend that at least three members of the team submitted falsified papers to appear older. Suspicions were initially raised when one Olympic official spotted off-camera gymnasts holding teddy bears. One was reportedly overheard asking for instructions on how to hook her bra, and another for assistance cleaning herself after (loosely translated) "making poopies." Recordings from locker room security cameras have confirmed that several team members had cartoon characters on their panties.

Minutes after today's press conference, witnesses saw the ex-medalists being whisked away in an unmarked vehicle. One gymnast tossed a crumpled note from the speeding car which said "Phelps has cootees." [sic]

/Compiled by the Olympics Research Team /