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TILLERSON SCRAMBLES TO AVOID WAR
Wrong Headgear Incites Call to Defend National Honor
Washington, DC
February 30, 2018
Sources close to Secretary of State Rex Tillerson say tensions remain high after an emergency meeting with the foreign ministers of Durkestan and Banzania. The diplomatic showdown began after a US military mission arrived in Banzania to train militia units and forge them into a new national army.
Training and mentoring provided by US troops was part of a peace accord signed by Banzanian and Durkestani leaders. The arrangement ended a brutal war that flared up after the Banzanian civil war spilled over the Durkestani border. The conflict left thousands dead, with tens of thousands of women and children in refugee and IDP camps.
The source, who wished to remain anonymous, said the plan “went off without a hitch” in Durkestan, where a contingent of US Army Special Forces soldiers, known as Green Berets, set up training camps for soldiers, with an emphasis on professionalism and human rights.
The Green Berets were said to have established rapport with Durkestani civilians by rebuilding a school , removing a minefield, and offering ballroom dance lessons to eligible Durkestani ladies.
Trouble began, according to the source, when US troops arrived in Banzania. Government leaders, social elites, a school choir, and a jazz trio met US soldiers upon their arrival at Banzania International Airport, but they were shocked when troops exiting the aircraft put on berets that were, according to one observer, “not quite right.”
The Durkestani Defense Minister, who trained at Fort Bragg, North Carolina as a young army officer, was overheard to say the US troops were “not real green berets.”
A spokesperson for the Pentagon confirms that, unlike the elite Special Forces teams in Durkestan, the US soldiers sent to train Banzanian troops were part of a new advise and assist unit. That unit, commonly referred to by its acronym S-FAB, which the unit commander says is for "super fabulous," in fact “had to beg for volunteers,” according to sources close to the unit. One cadre member forced to join or be reassigned to Korea, away from his family, said recruits were "offered berets they could say were green, sort of" to attract soldiers not interested in the bothersome selection process or the time-consuming qualification course required to become a real Green Beret.
The Defense Minister said he would rather welcome troops from the 82nd Airborne Division because "at least they're a real unit, and they jump out of airplanes with heavy-ass rucksacks" to earn their distinctive maroon berets.
A Banzanian government spokesman said the US failure to provide trainers of the same level of experience, and with the same legendary international reputation as those provided to Durkestan was an insult to Banzanian honor.
Sources inside the State Department say the situation was inflamed when General Mark Milley, godfather of the SFAB concept, further insulted the Banzanian delegation in Washington by telling them to "send all complaints or comments about SFAB to me," and to keep the discussion out of the media. Secretary Tillerson has asked Defense Secretary James Mattis to intervene and restrain General Milley "even if you have to send an assassin 'up the river' to get him."
Last night the Banzanian president recalled his ambassador from the United States, telling reporters that Banzania “has an offer of assistance from China,” which "has promised to send their best troops to Banzania.”
Locals interviewed on the streets of Banzania said they felt slighted by the US preferential treatment toward Durkestan, and were willing to go back to war to defend their national honor, although some ladies said they were most disappointed to learn they would not be receiving dance lessons from the legendary Green Berets.
US officials say reports of Chinese forces landing at Banzania International could not be confirmed, but that all US forces in the region have been placed on high alert.
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