Puns for the educated

[HOLLiS]

Puns for the educated

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with-- transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
.........and finally, if you're not in too much pain -

10. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

[nmap]

Those are great! Thank you.

[ZonieDiver]

Stolen. Great for history teachers!

Thanks...

[Sdiver]

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

Destroyed in a Fire ?????

So William Tell could be a poser ??????

[Ret10Echo]

Good chuckle..

I'll have what the otter is drinking..

[TOMAHAWK9521]

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

[Richard]

Charles Dickens was despondently seated in a Paris bar, telling the bartender, "Jacques, it is the worst of times for I am without an idea for a new work. Let me partake of a vodka martini."

To which the bartender responded, "Olive or twist?"

Richard

[x SF med]

Originally Posted by Richard

Charles Dickens was despondently seated in a Paris bar, telling the bartender, "Jacques, it is the worst of times for I am without an idea for a new work. Let me partake of a vodka martini."

To which the bartender responded, "Olive or twist?"

Richard

Should have expected that one from the Principal. I like the tie in between the two books and the author, and the way he is compared to Hemingway with the martini...

[Richard]

Should have expected that one from the Principal. I like the tie in between the two books and the author, and the way he is compared to Hemingway with the martini...

And another over-educated omega-3 eating ex-Medic weighs in - was your MRFL looking over your shoulder and coaching you? Tell her, "Nice work."

Take care,

Richard

[LibraryLady]

Originally Posted by Richard

... another over-educated omega-3 eating ex-Medic ...

Don't all of these ^ get involved with dumb blondes?

LL

[Richard]

Don't all of these ^ get involved with dumb blondes?

Blondes, yep - but...

Richard

[dr. mabuse]

All very punny. A new type of corporal punishment no doubt.
(insert rim shot)

[dr. mabuse]

O.K. Two for the road.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what? A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

[1stindoor]

I once entered a pun writing contest. The rules stated that each participant had to enter ten different puns. The winner would be decided by a panel of judges and whoever had the best ten would be declared the winner. Unfortunately none of mine won....actually...

No pun in ten did.


Then there was the alligator that went into the bar and asked for a drink.
The bartender said, "No, we don't serve 'gators here"...at which point some female bar fly at the end of the table started laughing at him.
The alligator became incensed and lept on the woman and ate her, then turned to the bartender and said, "What about that drink now?"
The bartender said, "Sorry...we don't serve alcohol to drug users."
"Who you callin' a drug user?" the alligator asked.
The bartender said, "Well...what do you call that bar bitch you ate."

[HOLLiS]

Termite goes into a bar and asks waitress, "Is the bar tender here?"