New Rules

[Sdiver]

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chilli. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavoured water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavoured water is called a soft drink. You want flavoured water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt That's your flavoured water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

[bandycpa]

Good stuff, Sdiver.

Motion to accept the new rules as law?




Bandy

[Goggles Pizano]

Originally Posted by Sdiver

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

I believe this is referred to as a "tramp stamp".

I second the motion Bandy!

[HOLLiS]

SDiver, thanks, fun to read. Too bad they are not passed as law yet.

[echoes]

Originally Posted by Sdiver

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

Sdiver...So TRUE!

I just want a cup of Joe, peroid!

Holly

[x SF med]

George Carlin came up with those, didn't he?

[PSM]

Originally Posted by x SF med

George Carlin came up with those, didn't he?

He gets credited for them, but it was bill maher on his HBO show who started them. http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp

Pat

[bubba]

Originally Posted by Goggles Pizano

I believe this is referred to as a "tramp stamp".

I second the motion Bandy!

Or a "Splat Tat"

[Peregrino]

Originally Posted by Goggles Pizano

I believe this is referred to as a "tramp stamp".

I second the motion Bandy!

I thought it was so you'd know where to set your beer can.

[Beach Bum]

So there is a name for those dumb butt hat tattoos?!?

[JolieAmie]

The "New Rules" are dead on, EXCEPT!

Originally Posted by Sdiver

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

WAY OFF! Consider a man's facial hair. Too much maintenance can result in "man haters," handlebar mustaches, or a thin line of hair all the way around the jaw line, to name a few. While a hands off approach creates neck beards, cheek hair and stringy, crumb receptacles. Should a man choose to keep some scruff around it requires some upkeep. Similarly women SHOULD hold their eyebrows to a standard. If done right the eyebrows go unnoticed. If done neurotically, or not at all, you may find yourself transfixed on two thin lines of hair over your date's eyes, or her unibrow.

You shave and trim, we wax and tweeze.

[crash]

Originally Posted by JolieAmie

The "New Rules" are dead on, EXCEPT!

If done right the eyebrows go unnoticed. If done neurotically, or not at all, you may find yourself transfixed on two thin lines of hair over your date's eyes, or her unibrow.

You shave and trim, we wax and tweeze.

I agree, however some seem to think those two thin lines look good or theres the ones that just shave it all off and draw it on when a pencil.

The things some people do to them selfs, you just want to stop them "Excuse me, do you realize how ridiculous you look?"

[Sigaba]

Originally Posted by crash

I agree, however some seem to think those two thin lines look good or theirs the ones that just shave it all off and draw it on with a pencil.

The things some people do to themselves, you just want to stop them "Excuse me, do you realize how ridiculous you look?"

Are you kidding?

There's nothing sexier than a home girl who has carefully plucked every hair off her forehead...and then drawn on perfect eye brows with a Sharpie.

Er, use Google Image search at your own risk on this one. I'm feeling mighty queasy right now.

[PedOncoDoc]

Parents always dread having to give "the talk" to their kids. I think this would be an overdue replacement, as most kids know more that we'd like to believe by the time we think they're ready to hear "the talk."

Of course, if you take an active role as a parents (not over- or hyperactive) - these points should be fairly moot.

Great stuff.

[Requiem]

I believe this is referred to as a "tramp stamp".

Also known as California Bumper Stickers or @ss antlers.