actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers





Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"





Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"





From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm &%^$%#$ bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was %$%#$%# bored, not &^&%$#$% stupid!"





O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."




A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."





A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."





A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"





Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."





One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."





The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."





While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:



"Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Red Flag 1]

Good ones Mom!

RF 1

[greenberetTFS]

Those were really funny..............

Big Teddy

Thanks. I should not have had a mouth full of ice tea when I read that.

On one of my early solos during training I flew from Cuyahoga County Airport to Erie, PA. I called Erie tower saying "Grumman American Trainer xxx, five miles out, landing. About a minute later the tower called back saying, "I guess your not quite as fast as the Grumman aircraft I imagined."

It broke the obvious tension in the voice of this nervous student.

[Praetorian]

I think Ive flown some of those flights....

[Scimitar]

Flying into Las Vegas from Salt Lake City one time, there was an extremely heavy cross-wind and we came into land at what felt like virtually sideways. It goes without saying that the Pucker Value was quite high.

Upon breaking there was a pregnant pause; then my colleague and I hear very loudly from the back of the plane, in a distinct accent.

"GIVE ME A HELL YEAH"!

And a reply from a dozen folks

"HELL YEAH"!

Then I hear my colleague say under his breath "F**kin Texans"

And that folks was the first time I meet a Texan.


Scimitar

[mkpat]

Those are great, had a friend send some of these in an email a while back that I happened to save...



A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."




A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where?"




Tower: "Height and position?"
Pilot: "I am 1 ,80m and I'm sitting."




Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?"
Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try."




Beech Baron: "Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747."
ATM: "Yeah it's okay. He's not hungry."




LH741: "Tower, give me a rough time-check!"
Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."




A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control...

Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight..."

Approach: "Roger, United XXX you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."

[JAGO]

At Tallahassee regional airport large turtles sometimes present problems. A departing Piper Cherokee Lance reported to tower seeing one crossing the active runway. A Delta jet was moving into the number one position. Tower asked if Delta copied the advisory. Delta affirmed. Tower then cleared Delta for takeoff with the admonishment "avoid possible wake turbulence behind turtle".

v/r
phil

[mike-munich]

this one is my favorite, although it's a urban myth:


This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.



GO NAVY !! j/k