MILITARY COURSE OF ACTION UPON ENCOUNTERING A SNAKE

[skydoc60A5G]

The Differential Theory:

1. 1st Marine Expeditionary Force: Kills snake with extreme prejudice.

2. 1st Infantry Division: Snake smells soldier, leaves area.

3. 1st Armored Division: Driver runs over snake with M1A2. Laughs. Looks
for more snakes.

4. 1st Cavalry Division: Soldier follows snake, gets lost, buys
sunglasses.

5. III Corps Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to
snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and
manicure.

6. 5th Special Forces Group: Team makes contact with snake,
ignores all Department of Foreign Affairs directives and Theater
Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning
its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous
travel settlement upon return. Declines to provide receipts as the
mission was classified. Photo and articles find their way to Soldier of
Fortune magazine.

7. 17th Combat Engineer Battalion: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth
doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat
snake using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces
don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
Private reports he run over the snake in HMMV by accident. Private is
sent TDY to Ft. Leonard Wood for remedial snake recognition training.

8. 21st TAACOM (Quartermaster) "Your anti-snake equipment is on
backorder.")

9. 82nd ABN DIV: Soldier reports a snake was trampled to death in the
Drop Zone. Platoon Sergeant includes information about snake casualty in
after-action-report. 2LT is detailed to conduct 15-6 investigation on
biological threats from reptiles during mass drop operations.

10. 2/75th Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

11. 1/112th Field Artillery: Receives fire order. Initiates massive
Time-On-Target HE and White Phosphorus fire order, with saturation
barrage. Destroys entire Afghan village. Lists damage as unavoidable
collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants
(i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded bronze stars.

12. US Navy - Atlantic Fleet - (Part I): Fires missiles from various
types of ships, fails to kill snake, makes presentation to Senate
Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces need increased budget for a
more cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection. Seal Team
unplugs C-SPAN camera and jams all media transmissions during CNO's
testimony. Snake lobbyist found floating on the Potomac by Coast Guard.

13. Navy (Part II): The CNO orders a landing party to search the area
for the snake. Sailors expend all small arms ammunition shooting at
anything that moves, then call for sixteen-inch naval gunfire in support
in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites sailor. Landing party
retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which US Navy SEALS
kill religious extremist snakes on airplanes. Fred Thompson cast in the
role of Chief Naval Officer.

14. Navy (Part III): Wolf-Class Attack-Submarine makes covert delivery
of Seal Team near island. Seal Team returns with snake. Sub evades
Soviet and Chinese detection to deliver snake to Guantanamo Bay, where
snake undergoes interrogation, is declared enemy combatant, and held
incommunicado indefinitely.

15. SAS: Australian Defense Force kills snake to keep skin as a
souvenir. Local civilians demand removal of all Australian Defense Force
from Area of Operations. CNN and FOX news send news teams to interview
local officials.

16. F-16 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and
engages with air-to-surface missiles. Massive investigation follows and
determines the snake was friendly. Pilot asks to have the snake kill
painted on aircraft.

17. F/A-18 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, misses
snake target, but gets direct hit on Chinese Embassy 100 Km East of
snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast,
Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover) Claims that
purchasing multimillion dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will
enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in
military affairs.

18. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well
on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert Areas of Operations
without power lines or SAMs. Returns to base of operations and brags
about number of snakes killed before.

19. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds
bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash
blows snake into fire.

20. B-52 crew: Fly from Barksdale AFB to Bagram, pulls ARCLIGHT mission
on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of
target. Returns to Shreveport for Miller time.

21. Unmanned Drone Pilot: Locates snake, locks in weapons system,
launches hellfire missile, records resulting obliteration of
medium-sized Afghan village, edits out evidence of human and animal
casualties, adds hard-rock sound-track, sends video as e-mail attachment
to all his buddies, eats lunch at the BX Food Court in Nellis AFB,
Las Vegas, Nevada.

22. C-17 pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment. Flies from
Ramstein to deliver. Arrives two weeks after due date.

23. Medical Corps: Arranges for same C-17 to fly back to Bagram to pick
up captured snake and deliver to Scott AFB, St. Louis MO. Medical Peer
Review committee determines Scott's facilities are inadquate for the
mission. Details team of MDs to conduct reptile experimentation at
laboratory in Honolulu, Hawaii. Six months later, team publishes fifty
page medical journal article on the psychosomatic effect of snakes on
combatants. Snake is then subjected to released to habitat for
reptilians society.

24. Combat Medics: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works
feverishly to save snake's life.

25. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators
of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for
snake activity as LOW. Will coordinate surveillance flights over area
and study thousands of aerial photographs for a month to confirm/deny
snake activity.

26. JAG Corps: Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional
courtesy.

27. Inspector General: AF IG sends investigative team TDY to Scott AFB,
Nellis AFB, and Hickam AFB to determine whether propriety of travel
vouchers and reported snake abuse. Details Bagram part of investigation
to Army counterparts.

28. Seabees: Build pub, gut and stuff snake, mount over bar, name pub
"The Snakepit".

29. Petroleum Handlers: Catch snake, introduce snake into unsuspecting
vehicle during refueling operation. Videotape vehicle driver jumping out
of moving vehicle. Post on youtube.

30. Military Police: Wait for somebody to capture snake, beat up snake,
deny responsibility.

31. AF Air Battle Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere. Return to the rear for 2-beer daily allowance.

LAST ONE!!

Deployed General Manager, AAFES: Asks TCN to capture snake. Puts snake
in glass display case near cash register then puts a dollar bill in the
bottom of the case with sign that reads: "Shoplifters Get a Free
Dollar!"

[trent]

bullet 6 = hilarious, thank you. =)