15 Ways To Avoid A Good Old Southern Ass Whuppin

Gypsy · 01-21-2007, 16:51

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners, Northeasterners, Northwesterners, Westerners and Southwestern Urbanites

01) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass

02) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis , etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass

03) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

04) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.G. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass.

05) We have plenty of business sense (e.G., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.G. John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.

06) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington . If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

07) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

08) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

09) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor .

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York , Baltimore or Boston . Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... Minus your ass.

Sdiver · 01-21-2007, 17:26

LMAO

Quote:

And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

Yeah really.....it's Maple Syrup along with sugar that you put on grits.

**Peregrino** · 01-21-2007, 17:56

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sdiver

LMAO

Yeah really.....it's Maple Syrup along with sugar that you put on grits.

You must be related to the low-lifes that cooked Farina en lieu of grits in the messhall. Talk about gag-a-maggot. Peregrino

Sdiver · 01-21-2007, 18:01

Quote:

Originally Posted by Peregrino

You must be related to the low-lifes that cooked Farina en lieu of grits in the messhall. Talk about gag-a-maggot. Peregrino

bandycpa · 01-21-2007, 18:29

LMAO. Great stuff, Gypsy.

Of course, after the ass whuppin', we'd kindly say "Y'all come back, now.". We wouldn't mean it, it would just be polite.

Bandy

jasonglh · 01-21-2007, 19:07

Its kinda scary how many of those strike home.

Quote:

None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently.

Thats right its been at least 3 years since the last bourbon warehouse fire set the Kentucky river on fire. But hey at least the fish were good and toasted before they got....well toasted.

Sacamuelas · 01-21-2007, 19:46

LOL

**The Reaper** · 01-21-2007, 20:21

Quote:

Originally Posted by bandycpa

LMAO. Great stuff, Gypsy.

Of course, after the ass whuppin', we'd kindly say "Y'all come back, now.". We wouldn't mean it, it would just be polite.

Bandy

God Bless their little Yankee hearts.

TR

PSM · 01-21-2007, 21:37

Being a cross-breed, I like butter on my lobster and my grits.

Pat

Gypsy · 01-21-2007, 21:38

Quote:

Originally Posted by bandycpa

LMAO. Great stuff, Gypsy.

Of course, after the ass whuppin', we'd kindly say "Y'all come back, now.". We wouldn't mean it, it would just be polite.

Bandy

LOL! Quite gentlemanly of ya.

vsvo · 01-21-2007, 23:36

LMAO!

Sionnach · 01-22-2007, 20:20

Great stuff!

Goggles Pizano · 01-23-2007, 07:05

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gypsy

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

LOL! I have raised my daughters to always respect their elders and expect doors to be opened, men to rise when they enter a room, etc. If they (the uh...interested parties of the first part) cannot perform these simple tasks refrain from entering my house. Learned all this from my Mother (who has kicked my ass on several occasions) and the good people of the South first hand. Thanks Gypsy this made my week!