Blonde jokes...

Gypsy · 09-20-2005, 18:18

A man sitting next to a beautiful blonde on a plane looked over to see her seemingly in shock from the headline in the newspaper she was holding, which read:

"12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed in Riots."

She turned toward him and with trembling voice asked "How many is a brazilian?"

******

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.

In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...

One: The bartender is a blonde woman.

Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.

Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.

Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude. Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Goggles Pizano · 09-20-2005, 18:33

BWWWAAAAAAHHHHHAAA Oh, that last one was great!

jbour13 · 09-20-2005, 18:36

Thanks for sharing Gypsy......funny stuff!!!

Maisy · 09-20-2005, 19:37

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice,set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more."THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!"
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A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Florida. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Maisy · 09-20-2005, 19:38

Three blondes walk into a bar. You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

**Bill Harsey** · 09-20-2005, 20:13

The blonde pulls into a gas station and notices a friend. She waves and asks her friend how she's doing. The friend starts complaining about the high price of gas.
The blonde says, "That doesn't effect me at all, I always get 20 dollars every time."

Gypsy · 09-20-2005, 21:06

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune. . . . .

...Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

**Ambush Master** · 09-20-2005, 21:33

That dyes her hair brunette ??

Artificial Intelligence !!!!

Gypsy · 09-20-2005, 21:40

LOL!

09-21-2005, 03:10

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

stakk4 · 09-21-2005, 13:14

How can you tell a blonde has been working at your computer?

There's white out all over the screen.

Why do blondes hate vibrators?

They chip their teeth.

From the Blonde's Revenge

What do you call a cute guy in the arms of a brunette?

A hostage!

S

Michelle · 09-21-2005, 18:48

Well, it's not a "joke" per se... but in the spirit of this thread.....

For the last 2 hours, there has been a Jet Blue airliner circling roughly over my house with a major nose-landing-gear problem... I mean major problem... and it's a smaller airbus that can't jettison fuel so they are just circling and trying to burn it off... god love these pilots, they are in for a nasty landing.

Breaking news just now: they are now reassigning them out to LAX which has the longest runways in the area, so the news helos, like slinking vultures, are finally leaving my ear-space (sic).

Anyway: Reports go into what kind of tarmac preparation will be involved for this landing, and there are suppositions about whether they will foam the runway prior to landing.

And the female newscaster says (and I sh*# you not) she says: "so, the foaming of the runway... will this help slow down the airplane upon it touching down?"

Swear to god.

She actually asked if the fire-retardant Mr. Bubble will actually play a role in the physics and friction of a fully loaded jet barrelling down the runway with an effed up front landing gear. "Will it slow it down" she asks.

The sad thing? She probably makes more money than any of us for asking these kinds of "intelligent" questions on a major network newscast.

Her hair color?

Ummmmm. Brunette!

Just goes to show stupidity runs much deeper than the scalp.

Speechless in California,

m1

**Ambush Master** · 09-21-2005, 18:59

Quote:

Originally Posted by Michelle

Her hair color?

Ummmmm. Brunette!

Just goes to show stupidity runs much deeper than the scalp.

Speechless in California,

m1

It's dyed !!! That is why it's called "Artificial Intelligence" !!!

Michelle · 09-21-2005, 19:10

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ambush Master

It's dyed !!! That is why it's called "Artificial Intelligence" !!!

Her hair is dead?

Or did you mean dyed?

(and yes, I know, technically hair is considered "not living" past the follicular stage... but I couldn't resist).

m1
p.s. I can joke about this because I was born a blonde. I learned a while ago who *truly* has more fun. And Mum Nature favored me in this regard by changing it as I got older....I stopped fighting it about a year ago, and actually decided to lend a helping hand.

Michelle · 09-21-2005, 19:26

Addendum:

That pilot just made the most elegant landing you can ever imagine. He stayed more "in the lines" than most folks on the freeway here, despite a 90 degree turned nose landing gear.

Okay Ambush Master. Lets see if the pilot was a brunette.

Regardless... I gotta find out where to send flowers. Friggen job well done.

m1