Retrosexual

[Cazador 01]

This is worth sharing:

Retrosexual

OK folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand
no
more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men
redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style".
Real
men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell
"ENOUGH!" I
hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the
Retrosexual movement.

The Code.......

A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DAMN
DATE.

A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that
term
only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS with ******. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your
home,
or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long
you
live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and

drinking, I salute you.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.
Women
have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an end cap

(possibly 2 end caps if you include shaving goods.)

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30
years
old.

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if
need be.
This falls under the "dealing with ******" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on
national
TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for
women.
Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead
to you
becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth
it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental
stress
such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak
tree
chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city
etc.
You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough

attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he
DEALT
with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to

conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about
getting.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't
hammer a
nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or be

rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual gives a lady his seat on the bus/subway/etc.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are
riddled
with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus
it's
just damned fun to shoot.

Crying...........

There are very few reason that a retrosexual may cry, and none of them
have
to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are
sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is
swearing
or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a retrosexual can cry
include
( but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet ( fish
do NOT
count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.

A retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless
that
refers to some foxy french maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or
whiskey),
or "Divine secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood". Acceptable ones may
include any
of the Dirty Harry or Nameless drifter movies (Clint in his better
days),
Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather trilogy, Scarface, The
Road
Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddy shack, Rocky I, II, or III, Full
Metal
Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee
movie,
Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Reservoir Dogs, or Fight Club.

When a retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a
pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and

offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so called
men
still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.

A retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the
correct
emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star
Spangled
Banner.

A retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not
understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they
offset the
acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a
serious
healthy relationship. I.E. hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, car

maintenance.

A retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.


A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding
all
over or driving under 20mph.

A retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants.

Where ever it lands is where he wanted it to land.

A retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but
any
elderly person or person in military dress (except officers above
2nd LT.) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but
the
retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for
serving their country.

A retrosexual man doesn't need a contract, a handshake is good enough.
He
will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other

person deceived him.

A retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does

something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the

process doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT.


With guns, we are citizens. Without them, we are subjects.

[Gypsy]

Thumbs up for real honest-to-God men!

[dollarbill]

Perfectly said!!!

[mangler]

This is an important and timely topic. Let's keep it rolling.

THE RETROSEXUAL MAN AS HOMEOWNER, FATHER, HUSBAND

When the retrosexual man's kids are misbehaving he calls them on it right then and there and gets it stopped right quick. When this occurs in public he might take a look around and see some folks looking on in approval (sadly they tend to be much older than he) and others boggling in disbelief (sadly these people tend to be his age and holding "messenger bags").

The retrosexual man always has cash on his person.

The retrosexual man never hides what he is drinking. It's never "Daddy's soda" or a "Grown-up drink". It's a beer. Or a Whiskey. It's never "I've to to run to the store for something". It's "I've got to run to the store to get more beer".

The retrosexual man typically wears shoes while inside the house. This is mostly because when he has to defend his home from an invader he does not want to kick the intruder's ass while wearing just socks on his feet. While visiting the home of someone who wants shoes removed at the doorway he may not comply for the same reasons as above. Obviously somebody has to be prepared to take care of business.

When the neighbor kid's Dad has neglected to teach his son how to throw a football the retrosexual man takes care of it.

The retrosexual man cooks his family a nice big breakfast on weekend mornings. In this way he spoils his kids and also his wife who by the way needs to replenish some of the calories she burned last night with him.

When the retrosexual man's kid comes home from school complaining of being bullied he immediately says "you don't have to take that" and provides some tips on how to get the most hits in on the bully. When the wife pipes up about this kind of behavior bringing on trouble from the school administrators the retrosexual man says that is bullst and that he will stand behind his kid 100% and if the administrators give him any grief he will demonstrate those moves on them.

The retrosexual man is within his bounds to call his wife at any time and let her know that he wants some tonight. This type of phone call is not a discussion BTW.

By the time he has lived in the same place for 5 years a retrosexual man will know most of his neighbors by name because by then he has helped them push cars out of ditches, caught runaway dogs, helped move furniture, or provided first aid, etc., for all of them.

The retrosexual man will pull over and ask the stranded motorist if he needs help no matter the time or place.

The retrosexual man will tell the his one neighbor's kids to stay out of the other neighbor's yard even if neither of those neighbors have the balls to say so themselves.

The retrosexual man will use profanity like an artist uses paints on a canvas. He will (by example) teach all around him the beauty and necessity of words like motherfer when they are used in the appropriate context.

It is the responsibility of the retrosexual man to show others how a strike from the side of the hand is all that is necessary to fix many problems with common household electrical items. When this tactic fails he will then disassemble said object and (if possible) fix it with his own hands.

The retrosexual man lends more than he borrows.

The retrosexual man's favorite shirt is whatever he finds first when he opens the closet door.

You can generally tell a retrosexual man by the way animals (especially dogs) seem to be drawn to him. This isn't by coincidence.

The retrosexual man offers his guests a beer no matter the occasion.

By virtue of his nature, the retrosexual man is always in danger of offending people in environments such as workplace offices, PTA meetings, etc....basically anyplace where they have male and female people rather than men and women. Smart people should realize the retrosexual man is no more responsible for his offenses in this environment than a compass is responsible for its pointing north all the time.

The term "retrosexual man" is something of a redundancy.