THE MAN TEST

**Kyobanim** · 01-24-2010, 07:54

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot..

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog..... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeez, you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too..

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge of being a salami smuggler.

LibraryLady · 01-24-2010, 09:28

Fixed that for ya...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kyobanim

1. If you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.. spent too much time in the gym admiring yourself...

...

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard AND CHOCOLATE, you might as well be handing out free ass passes...

LL

01-24-2010, 10:16

It's wonderful to be vindicated.

bandycpa · 01-24-2010, 12:19

Love it Kyo. Especially #1 and #5. That's good, manly stuff right there.

Gonna go rest a beer on my non-washboard stomach and watch some football.

Bandy

NoRoadtrippin · 01-24-2010, 12:32

I like my cats, damnit.

head · 01-24-2010, 16:02

I agree with all except 6... women like a man who can make some tiramisu... and do OD green and coyote tan count as non-standard colors?

Buck · 01-24-2010, 16:25

Quote:

Originally Posted by HowardCohodas

It's wonderful to be vindicated.

Any long words which include the word "DIC" implies subconsious thoughts of being a peter puffer... Lets break it down Vin "DIC" ated.....Doh, you're guilty....lol

Buck

**Kyobanim** · 01-24-2010, 19:24

Quote:

Originally Posted by head

I agree with all except 6... women like a man who can make some tiramisu... and do OD green and coyote tan count as non-standard colors?

OD Green is a genetic trait.

But I don't know about coyote tan. Sounds like a color for thong underwear.

Gypsy · 01-24-2010, 20:11

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kyobanim

But I don't know about coyote tan. Sounds like a color for thong underwear.

For some reason I don't think tan is a good color for a thong...

01-24-2010, 21:02

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gypsy

For some reason I don't think tan is a good color for a thong...

Any man in public or not, wearing a coyote tan thong is mosdef gay.

let me rephrase that... any man IN a thong is well.....

01-24-2010, 22:43

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buck

Any long words which include the word "DIC" implies subconsious thoughts of being a peter puffer... Lets break it down Vin "DIC" ated.....Doh, you're guilty....lol

Buck

I guess it't back to the dictionary for me.

nmap · 01-26-2010, 09:57

Does 100,255,255 count as naming a color?

**Kyobanim** · 01-26-2010, 10:51

Quote:

Originally Posted by nmap

Does 100,255,255 count as naming a color?

That's a pretty gay shade of blue, if you ask me.

Sdiver · 01-26-2010, 12:23

Quote:

Originally Posted by HowardCohodas

It's wonderful to be vindicated.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buck

Any long words which include the word "DIC" implies subconsious thoughts of being a peter puffer... Lets break it down Vin "DIC" ated.....Doh, you're guilty....lol

Buck

Quote:

Originally Posted by HowardCohodas

I guess it't back to the dictionary for me.

Howard,

Some friendly advice......you may want to back off for awhile.....I don't see this ending to well for you.

Dozer523 · 01-26-2010, 12:56

I know the color taupe, specifically "Taupe Love". Cuz I painted my first house that color.
My first house needed a new coat of paint. It was originally white and the larger house next door was also white. Both houses had the same roof shingles. I no longer wanted my house to look like it was the carriage house for the larger house, thus the search for paint. But those roof shingles kinda complicated things and I was concerned for a good complimentary match. So I drove around nice neighborhood looking for "my roof". Having found "my roof" on a house that was painted an acceptable shade of this sort of light brownish, I went to the front door, rang the bell. A 'Truck-drivin' sort of lookin' guy' came out. He says "Hi. . . ?"
"I don't want to take up much of your time but I have a roof just like yours and I need to paint my house. Your house really looks nice and I was wondering if you remembered the name and brand of your house paint?"
He looked at me; and looked up and down the street then sort of scratched his chin and managed to get his hand over his mouth and mumbled "taaa pah laaa".
"Excuse me, can you repeat that?"
"Man I don't name this sh!t. My wife picked it out and it's by Behr. It's called, AND I'm only gonna say it once . . . Taupe Love."
"Well . . . Thanks. Hmmmmmmm, Ya know, I've always sort of wondered about the people who name paint for a living."
"Me, too. By the way, no matter how much they say you'll need you'll need more."

Couple of years go by, my house looks great (And I did need almost twice as much paint as recommended), There is a knock at my door, there is a guy I don't know on my porch. I say "Hi. . . ?"
"I don't want to take up much of your time but I have a roof just like yours and I need to paint my house. Your house really looks nice and I was wondering if you remembered the name and brand of your house paint?"
I looked at him, and looked up and down the street (wondering if Alan Funt was in the van across the way) then sort of scratched my chin. "You have time for a beer?, this is a really funny story."