MAN TEST

[Go For Broke]

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a
queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and
have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing
the Oprah diet...Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer--
it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate
touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just
think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your
ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun,
come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeez you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on
BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or
tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is
his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as
Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy
Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man
there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four
different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might
as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory
space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out
chartreuse you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other
than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to
tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at
a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he
needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold
his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list
because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely
on the verge of being a salami smuggler.

[Fiercely Loyal]

This is getting printed off and placed in the hanger. Thanks.

[Roguish Lawyer]

lol

[dennisw]

A man's world is his toilet

It says it all in such few words. Makes me want to pour a 'Decaf Soy
Latte' on someone's head. Too many funny lines for one post. I think there's a sticky about that, isn't there?

[Goggles Pizano]

[Rogue]

ROFLMAO

[Box]

I always thought chartreuse was just a descriptive term for a yellow spinner-bait...

I didn't know how to spell 'chartreuse' until tonight.

I think I'll look for an opportunity to use it in a sentance at work tomorrow.

[Penn]

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four
different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might
as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory
space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out
chartreuse you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other
than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to
tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at
a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he
needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold
his beer.

Are you implying that as an artist and a chef I'm a two handle, side holding, fudge packing, and habitual pole stroker? Don’t make me Crème Brulee my pet pussy cat up and bitch slap you with it. Because I think # 6 is invalid as an indicator of sexual orientation. Additionally and if proof is in the pudding so to speak, then in reference to # 7; it is obvious you have never driven 95 N on the NY/NJ Turnpike in the Tri-State region during rush hour, or when recommending and articulating the finer points chocolate covertures’ oral only removal and dome manipulation while motoring; for I can name at least four colors and twenty desserts that can and have been used as lubricants while standing, sitting, or hopping on one foot and yes, driving. So, regardless of your subconscious need to express your repressive tendency, you need to chew on it a bit more before you spit out such flaccid generalities.

[Puertoland]

Enjoyed a few laughs from that, thank you for sharing.

Originally Posted by Penn

So, regardless of your subconscious need to express your repressive tendency, you need to chew on it a bit more before you spit out such flaccid generalities.

I guess it was only a matter of time before the list reached somebody on the forums.

Here you go, Sir: Mantage

Its all custard...

[mkpat]

Originally Posted by Billy L-bach

I always thought chartreuse was just a descriptive term for a yellow spinner-bait...

Or the stripper at Bottom's Up next to Walgreens and Chili's...

that's what i was told.