Things NOT to say to a Military Wife or Girlfriend

Shar · 02-11-2008, 10:35

In honor of the ladies out there! This was sent to me this morning and I just about died because of the truthfulness. The only one I could have added to it was:
"How much do you get if he dies?" A lady at a makeup counter asked me this one when she found out I was there buying new makeup for his homecoming. You seriously can't make this crap up. I didn't write the parantheticals myself - but I could have because she took the words right out of my mouth - whoever she is!

Things NOT to say to a Military Spouse or Girlfriend!

1. "Aren't you afraid that he'll be killed?"
(This one ranks in at number one on the "duh" list. Of course we're afraid. We're terrified. The thought always lingers at the backs of our minds ---but thanks brilliant, you just brought it back to the front. Maybe next you can go ask someone with cancer if they're scared of dying.)

2. "I don't know how you manage. I don't think I could do it."
(This is intended to be a compliment. Though, its just a little annoying. Here's why: it's not like all of us military wives have been dreaming since childhood of the day we'd get to be anxious single moms who carry cell phones with us to the bathroom and in the shower. We're not made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable, we just got asked to take on a challenging job. So we rose to the challenge and found the strength to make sacrifices.)

3. "At least he's not in Iraq ."
(This is the number one most annoying comment for those whose husbands are in Afghanistan. What do they think is happening in Afghanistan? An international game of golf? Guys are fighting and dying over there.)

4. "Do you think he'll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion, etc?"
(Don't you watch the news? No! They don't get to come home for any of these things. Please don't ask again.)

5. "What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he's gone?"
(Short answer: Try to keep my sanity. Maybe there's a military wife out there who gets bored when her husband leaves, but I have yet to meet her. For the rest of us, those with and without children, we find ourselves having to be two people. That keeps us plenty busy. We do get lonely, but we don't get bored.)

6. "How much longer does he have until he can get out?"
(This one is annoying to many of us whether our husbands are deployed or not. Many of our husbands aren't counting down the days until they "can" get out. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because they actually love what they do or they VOLUNTEER AGAIN and AGAIN to go back to Iraq b/c there is work that needs to be done.)

7. "This deployment shouldn't be so bad, now that you're used to it."
(Sure, we do learn coping skills and its true the more deployments you've gone through, the easier dealing with it becomes. And we figure out ways to make life go smoother while the guys are gone. But it never gets "easy" and the bullets and bombs don't skip over our guys just because they've been there before. The worry never goes away.)

8. "My husband had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you're going through."
(This one is similar to number two. Do not equate your husband's three week trip to London/Omaha/Tokyo/etc. with a 12-15 month or more deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious time difference, nobody shot at your husband or tried to blow him up with an I.E.D., your husband could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, he flew comfortably on a commercial plane, slept between crisp white sheets and ate well, paying for everything with an expense account. There is no comparison. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we probably resent you a bit for it. Comparing a 12 month combat deployment to a few weeks business trip is like comparing a ford taurus with mercedes convertible.)

9. "Wow you must miss him?"
(This one also gets another big "duh". Of course we miss our men. There are some wives who do not and they're now divorced.)

10. "Where is he exactly? Where is that?"
(I don't expect non-military folks to be able to find Anbar Province on a map, but they should know by now that it's in Iraq. Likewise, know that Kabul and Kandahar are in Afghanistan. Know that Muqtada al Sadr is the insurgent leader of the Mahdi Army in Iraq and that Sadr City is his home area. Know that Iran is a major threat to our country and that it is located between Afghanistan and Iraq. Our country has been at war in Afghanistan for seven years and at war in Iraq for five years. These basic facts are not secrets, they're on the news every night and in the papers every day ---and on maps everywhere.)

11. "Well, he signed up for it, so it's his own fault whatever happens over there.
(Yes, ignorant, he did sign up. Each and every day he protects your right to make stupid comments like that. He didn't sign up and ask to be hit by anything, he signed up to protect his country. Oh, and by the way, he asked me to tell you that "You're welcome." He's still fighting for your freedom.)

12. "Don't you miss sex! I couldn't do it!"
(hmmm, no i don't miss sex. i'm a robot. Seriously...military spouses learn quickly that our relationships must be founded on something greater than sex. We learn to appreciate the important things, like simply hearing their voices, seeing their faces, being able to have dinner together every night. And the hard truth is, most relationships probably couldn't withstand 12 months of sex deprivation.)

13. "Well in my opinion....."
(Stop right there. Yo, I didn't ask for you your personal political opinions. Hey, I love a heated political debate, but not in the grocery store, not in Jamba Juice, not at Nordstrom, not in a bar when I'm out with my girls trying to forget the war, and CERTAINLY NOT AT WORK. We tell co-workers about deployments so when we have to spend lunch hours running off doing errands and taking care of the house, dog, and kids, they have an understanding. We do not tell co-workers and colleagues because we are giving an invitation to ramble about politics or because we so eagerly want to hear how much they hate the President, esp. while we're trying to heat up our lean cuisines in the crappy office microwaves.)

last but not least....

14. "OH, that's horrible...I'm so sorry!"
(He's doing his job and he's a badass. Don't be sorry. Be appreciative and please take a moment out of your comfortable American lives to realize that our soldiers fight the wars abroad so those wars stay abroad.)

If you want to say anything, say thank you. After all, we are sexually deprived for your freedom.

**The Reaper** · 02-11-2008, 10:48

This just reiterates that the country is not at war, by and large, but the military is.

TR

**Team Sergeant** · 02-11-2008, 10:50

I moved this, it deserves to be here and not in the comedy section.

TS

jbour13 · 02-11-2008, 11:35

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Reaper

This just reiterates that the country is not at war, by and large, the military is.

TR

A member of another Forum, who is also retired Army has been quoted:
"The US Army and USMC are at war. America is shopping at the mall!"

Again, I cannot reiterate that Fayetteville and surrounding areas are the friendliest and most pro-Soldier communities I have been exposed to in 10 years of service. I've crossed paths with some "gang-bangers" and thugs that give you a nod and say thanks. I lived in DC for 4 years, Hawaii for 3 1/2 and I rarely got a thank you. I don't do it for praise, but I'll be damned if it doesn't feel good.

I love my job and I am ever grateful that my wife is the homefront foundation. Neither of us have it harder than the other, but each of the parts of our lives are challenging in their unique ways. I sit in comfort, and safety 90% of the time while deployed. If called upon to execute a forward mission for support to the QP's that I work for, you can damn well depend on it. If it came to my wife being one of the spouses called upon to assist a grieving wife and her family, she is willing to sit with and help a person if she can. She keeps everything in order so I can focus on my tasks while deployed, and at home.

Great post Shar, informative and only scratches the surface of spousal hardships and is a testimate to the strength that the homefront challenge.

Ret10Echo · 02-11-2008, 11:44

Great post,

I recall the look on my wife's face one time when a civilian friend lamented the 5-day business trip her husband HAD to go on...

Priceless.

**Team Sergeant** · 02-11-2008, 12:00

Quote:

Originally Posted by jbour13

Again, I cannot reiterate that Fayetteville and surrounding areas are the friendliest and most pro-Soldier communities I have been exposed to in 10 years of service.

Especially the car dealers, stereo salesmen and multi millionaire pawn shop owners.......

Yeah, I've lived in fayetteville, too long.........

TS

jbour13 · 02-11-2008, 12:19

Quote:

Originally Posted by Team Sergeant

Especially the car dealers, stereo salesmen and multi millionaire pawn shop owners.......

Yeah, I've lived in fayetteville, too long.........

TS

You forgot to mention the classy entrepreneurs on Murchison

**Team Sergeant** · 02-11-2008, 12:23

Quote:

Originally Posted by jbour13

You forgot to mention the classy entrepreneurs on Murchison

No comment.

Guy · 02-11-2008, 13:07

Quote:

Originally Posted by jbour13

You forgot to mention the classy entrepreneurs on Murchison

I thought they changed the name to Martin Luther King Blvd?

Stay safe.

**The Reaper** · 02-11-2008, 13:25

Quote:

Originally Posted by Guy

I thought they changed the name to Martin Luther King Blvd?

Stay safe.

Funny, but negative, MLK is the old CBD Loop that cuts through the old Fayetteville Arsenal site.

TR

afchic · 02-11-2008, 14:21

Shar - Thanks for the laugh. It is truly amazing to me how ignorant people can be. The only thing I would add, as an active duty member who is also a mom. The one question that I get that absolutely annoys the hell out of me is: "But you're a mom, don't you miss your kids and wish you were home with them?"

Well no shit sherlock, I wish I was home with them, but right now my priority in life is to ensure that they continue living in a free democratic society, and they are safe. And second thing, why is me being gone any different than my husband being gone? He misses his kids dearly too, but no one ever seems to ask him that question.

blustr18b · 02-11-2008, 23:32

Here's a few from what HAS been said to a parent....I'm sure dennisw and the other parents could add a few more!!!

"How could you let him do that?!!! I would NEVER allow my son to do that."
(well, he's over 18 and he wanted to go serve his country in a time of war...and your kid is doing what???..

"Why would he do that, I mean, he had everything going for him...."
(well, that is a real conversation stopper...)

" just pretend he's off to college and don't worry about it"
(yeah, right)

"Well, I hope he's not all screwed up when he gets out, like those ones in the news"
(thanks for the kind thoughts-this one was from the high school principal)

"God, what do you do...don't you worry? How do you stand it???
(my standard reply is - I just drink)

Thanks Shar for a great post!

x SF med · 02-12-2008, 09:02

Nice post Shar - Maybe you ought to send it to a local paper as a letter to the editor? Try and let a few of the dummies possibly learn something?

**Razor** · 02-12-2008, 10:31

So asking "when are you due" is ok?

**The Reaper** · 02-12-2008, 10:39

Quote:

Originally Posted by Razor

So asking "when are you due" is ok?

Only if you absolutely, positively KNOW she is pregnant.

That is one of the funniest mistakes I have ever seen made.

TR