Ninety-Nine Point Nine Percent Dead
Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh this afternoon was rushed to Ceasar Memorial Hospital by his bodyguards in a black General Motors Cadillac Escalade complaining of stomach pains, headache and a general malaise. Speaking with difficulty, he whispered “Bad Choom…” to his wife while being transported to the ER on a huge gurney.
Rake Armstrong, Limbaugh’s Chief of Security, reported to detectives that a slender, metro sexual, light-skinned African-American was seen fleeing Limbaugh’s prostrate body on a bicycle. The suspect was wearing a girl’s helmet, and was last spotted leaving the golf course just east of the seventh putting green.
The Surgeon on duty at the hospital told this reporter that the prognosis was “good” for Mr. Limbaugh, but that his abdomen had to be perforated to release an abnormal quantity of gas.
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