[akv]

A short time ago…

In a state on the Left Coast….

I moved to the SF Bay Area last year after a decade in NYC and North Carolina.


June 15- 68 degrees hazy then sunny. Wow, what a picturesque city on the water, rolling hills and cable cars, great restaurants and culture. People are so nice here, the cashier at Che’s Radical Java, kept asking if my coffee was sweet enough. Such a friendly fellow overcoming his lisp and all.

June 30- 70 degrees hazy then sunny. Sonoma Wine country, skiing in Tahoe, Pebble Beach all a few hours away this is unbelievable. Attended a party in my apartment building, heard “Battle of the Bulge” reference. I mentioned a book on the Screaming Eagles at Bastogne. I was informed we were actually talking about Oprah’s weight fluctuations, and any eagles screaming were probably the result of oppression by white males. However, four tattooed and pierced individuals kindly offered to march in my save the screaming eagles protest wherever Bastogne was.

July 25 - 68 degrees hazy then sunny, foggy cold nights. I met a pretty lady walking my dog in Golden Gate Park. She asked what do you feed him? Dog food I replied. She gasped in horror, you can’t do that. Apparently incisors aside, dogs are actually herbivores and must only be fed synthetic tofu duck mush with a few drops of Cod liver oil. She had big boobs so I stuck around, that is until the SPCA showed up, I must admit I agreed that Oba-Mao is dreamy to escape. ( I still have a dog and feed it Purina illicitly)

August 30- 72 degrees hazy then sunny, nights are arctic. Went sea fishing just off the Golden Gate Bridge, caught 2 big Halibuts, a Stryper and a Dogfish Shark. Went for a jog on Ocean Beach, was handed a flyer reminding me to vote yes on an initiative to rename the local sewage factory, the George W. Bush Sewage Plant.

September 30- A perfect 75 degrees. Finally met a girl who didn’t run away shrieking when I mentioned, I enjoyed sports other than Luge, ate red meat, and voted Republican. Took her on our first date to a hip bar called Orson’s in Mission Bay on a Thursday night. Despite poor SA noticed I was only the only man in the bar, my date was the only one in a dress, and everyone else was bitter, sans Adams apple, with shaved heads and Womyn Power t-shirts. Its Rugged Lesbian night at Orson’s on Thursdays FYI. ( no line for the men’s room though.) I’m not sure if my date liked me or was clinging on for self preservation, regardless I now have a girlfriend.

October 31– 55 degrees and hazy. Either Halloween isn’t big out here or people dress so weird normally there is no difference. Decided to get in a swim at the Embarcadero YMCA before dinner. On my way from the pool into the men’s locker room noticed the following sign. “ Please refrain from having sex in the showers”. I have never wished so much for E&E training, the YMCA in Chapel Hill didn’t have a sign like this. Thus endeth my swimming career, so I decided to get back into shooting, and exercised my second amendment rights by buying a pistol. To my surprise, 10 day waiting period, only one pistol per 30 days, ammunition sales within SF city limits illegal, 10 round magazine limit, and assault rifles if not banned cannot have a pistol grip or detachable magazine. I naturally bought 3 guns last year in protest to save the screaming eagles.

November 30- 55 degrees and hazy. Attended CAL football game with girlfriend, noticed multi-million dollar stadium refit delayed three years by 6 protesters living in trees, never seen sushi at a football game, also noticed large ugly women in pink with buzz cuts picketing the Marine Corps recruiting station. I farted in their general direction. If however you want to buy illegal drugs Berkeley is the place for you! We were forced to sit next to a smelly French Grad student on BART back to SF. I mentioned I had visited Normandy, he mentioned “Yes, you Americans screwed that up.” I completely snapped, screaming listen Pierre if we had really screwed that up you would still be singing “Deutschland Uber whatever…” France is a third world power, do the world a favor and discover deodorant! ( I forgot to mention my girlfriends name is Monique Richelieu)


Dec 25- 55 degrees and hazy. HAPPY KWANZA! Had some quality dim-sum in China town, then went snowboarding in Tahoe. Decided to look for a house in SF, only $1000/sqr foot, no earthquake insurance, taxes increasing. The girlfriend perhaps still experiencing PTSD from Orson’s or repulsed by my boorish outburst on BART, informs me she is moving back home either to Ohio or Arizona.

Here’s looking at you kid, we will always have San Francisco….