Take my Wife....Please
 

What are some of your favorite one-liners?

Here's some I heard the other day.


My ex-wife is so cold, one year, living in a trailer park in Arizona, during the summer time, she walked in and the furnace kicked on.

My ex-wife is so cold, Her side of the water bed froze.

We used to refer to our water bed as the "Dead Sea".

One time I was making love to my ex. I looked down at her, she looked up at me, and I said, "What...you can't think of anyone else either???"

Her cooking was so bad, the flies in the neighborhood pitched in and fixed the screen door.

She thought the smoke alarm was a timer.

She was so big, one Halloween, she put on a flowered dress, hung a couple of windmill earrings from her ears, and went to the party as Holland.

A cop tries to pull over a guy for speeding who tries to outrun him. Finally the guy gives up and pulls over. The now PO'd cop walks up and yells at the guy, "What's the big idea?" The guy responds, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," he said, "and I was afraid he was trying to give her back!" "Off you go," said the officer

Ex-es, Can't live with them, can't leave the court house with them.

An ex-wife is like an inflamed appendix, they cause a lot of pain and suffering, but after it's removed you find you didn't need it anyway!

My wife ran off with my best friend and I really miss him.

I still miss my ex-wife....but my aim is getting better.

She was a great housekeeper. When we divorced, she kept the house.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."