Chuck Norris Passes Away

[Kyobanim]

He was a man's man

[mumbleypeg]

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

[Sten]

if you can see Chuck Norris he can see you, if you can not see Chuck Norris you could be seconds from death.

[The Dave]

The primary export of Chuck Norris, is pain!!

[Kyobanim]

Additional Chuck Norris Facts

* Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

* The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

* If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

* Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

* There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

* Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

* Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

* When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

* The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodge ball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

* Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

* Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

* Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

* Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris

* Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

* Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

* Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

* Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

* Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

[The Dave]

http://www.4q.cc/chuck/ is the original site to start all of this. Way too funny. I like the t shirt they advertise at the top.

[Huey14]

I think the coolest bit is that Chuck Norris (praise be upon him) doesn't seem to care about these, unlike some other celebrities (cough TOM CRUISE) who don't like the piss being taken.

http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx

IN RESPONSE TO THE "RANDOM FACTS" THAT ARE BEING GENERATED ON THE INTERNET

I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.
~ Chuck Norris

[Weazle23]

OK, finally stopped laughing, my side hurts! Those are rediculously funny.

[aricbcool]

Originally Posted by Chuck Norris

IN RESPONSE TO THE "RANDOM FACTS" THAT ARE BEING GENERATED ON THE INTERNET

I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.
~ Chuck Norris

After typing the above response and sending it to his agent, Chuck Norris then round house kicked his computer, thus showing the "wide world of the Internet" who is boss.

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

--Aric

[Bravo1-3]

It was a trick. When Charon came to pick him up, Chuck Norris round house kicked him in the face and called him a bitch.

[jon448]

Another Chuck Norris fact:
Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer, too bad Chuck Norris never cries

[tk27]

Tough Love: Norris Fans Board the Chuck Wagon

After reading Chuck Norris's biography I have learned the following:

- Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

- Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

- Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

- Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

- Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

- Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

- The R.E.M. song "Everybody Hurts" was inspired by an incident back in '86 when Chuck Norris ordered an unsweetened tea, and was told they didn't serve unsweetened tea at that particular restaurant. They do now.

- The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

- When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

- A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

- When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

- It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

- Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

- Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

- Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

- Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother's womb.

- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

-Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

-The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

-Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

-Everyone knows Santa doesn't exist. What everyone doesn't know is that Santa did at one point exist until the day he put Chuck Norris on the naughty list.

-Chuck Norris enters a McDonald's without shoes or sandals, and still gets service

-When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

-When he is alone at night, Chuck Norris likes to wear slippers with bunnies on them. Real bunnies.

-Oil prices only go up when Chuck Norris is thirsty.

-George W. Bush wanted to nominate Chuck Norris for Supreme Court Chief Justice but the Separation of Powers called for by the Constitution doesn't allow that if the person is already this country's main Instrument of Justice.

[SP5IC]

Back in the day, it was Lee Van Cleef. Than man was bad. Since the original message won't open, I hope this was a spoof. My best buddy's name is actually Carlos. Now doesn't that add to the intrigue.

[Kyobanim]

Originally Posted by SP5IC

Back in the day, it was Lee Van Cleef. Than man was bad. Since the original message won't open, I hope this was a spoof. My best buddy's name is actually Carlos. Now doesn't that add to the intrigue.

Yes, it's a spoof. I do hold a great respect for his MA abilities but the humor is too good to resist.

[Huey14]

Except for this. I understand from sources that it's true as daylight.

"- When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side."