View Full Version : How not to apply for a job
Many of you know I am a headhunter, and as such I receive many resumes via email in response to opportunities I post online or from referrals. A common theme is how frustrating it can be when you're in the hunt for a new job and no responses are received from the hiring manager, recruiter etc.
This, my good folks, is a real resume I received the other day. I've cleansed only his name/contact information and the University he attended.
I almost called him...but figured he was too much of a freak even for me.
******
Key Attributes to Success
► Mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically stronger than anyone you will ever know.
► People trust me because they can ( I get things done without people worrying that I will screw them)
► Self-reliant and independent (a.k.a., just give me the task, stay out of my way and I will earn you money)
Professional Experience
From November 1990 to the present, I have earned money as a corporate level sales rep for a variety of abusive, gutless, self-serving employers whose interests certainly have not included the welfare of their customers nor employees.
Earned the trust and respect of every person I have ever done business with.
Can motivate people to do what is right for them and those entrusted to them.
Education
(University Removed)
O.K., I realize that this b.s degree from a wanne-be satellite extension of a world-renowned university system didn’t actually train me to do anything productive, but the fact that I completed it should count for something. Shouldn’t it?
References
Available from a number respected professionals with whom I have had the distinct pleasure of serving. However, I am sure that you would be more interested in the tiny percentage of individuals that thought they could get away with abusing me, but were pissed off because I actually had the nerve to fight back and beat them. Are those the people that you would rather hear from? If so, I can refer those morons to you as well.
Weazle23
10-04-2005, 18:33
LOL, wow. Quite the potential employee.
LOL isn't he though? Someone suggested I forward it to a Marine recruiter. :D
Kyobanim
10-04-2005, 19:03
I'm sorry Gypsy, I didn't know I was sending that to you.
:D
Darn those blind ads eh Kyo?
:D
Michelle
10-05-2005, 09:26
OMG. He's clearly funny and sharp.... but way lacking in discretion and SA.
Still, it's such an attention grabbing resume he might just get a lot of responses based on the curiosity factor alone.
Hilarious Gypsy. Thanks for sharing!
m1
Thanks for the levity!
oh, the resume I *could* write...
Write it, it's good therapy! I do it all the time....then *delete*. :D
From November 1990 to the present, I have earned money as a corporate level sales rep for a variety of abusive, gutless, self-serving employers whose interests certainly have not included the welfare of their customers nor employees.
Dang, another automotive manufacturing guy. :D
Roguish Lawyer
10-08-2005, 18:21
At least he's candid! LMAO
Ya think? :D
I talked to the guy...started out well, he seems rather personable and funny actually. Not too soft spoken, but not gregarious. Decent history of sales accomplishments (if his real resume is truly reflective of his actual experience) Really aggravated with trying to find another sales opportunity and he sent out the above resume on a whim after losing out on a job offer...
He's in a tight speciality niche which is difficult to "break out" from and into other sales opportunities, and another part of his problem is his geographic area I think. Every time I talk to people in that area I hear the same common complaints so I have a tendency to believe that. Can't move, the wife is employed.
The part about losing out on the job offer...well that was because once his background check came back...with ummm stuff...the offer was recinded.
He hasn't worked in 2 years....in sales anyway. He's been a personal trainer.
Oh yeah, and I'm the only one that called him.
Write it, it's good therapy! I do it all the time....then *delete*. :D
Just did it. I think it might look better than my other resume. It certainly felt better.
LOL, writing is great therapy...helps you get alllllll kinds of stuff out of your system. Just ask me.
Ambush Master
10-11-2005, 20:26
Following is the resume that I submitted (over the objection of the President of my Company) to American Airlines. All in all, it went (has gone) quite well:
Ambush Master
Job Objective: Seeking a management career opportunity, where demonstrated experience and achievement in aircraft maintenance support would be challenged, and offer continued professional growth.
Summary of Qualifications: Director of Aircraft Supply, for Metro Airlines, responsible for the supervision of 20-25 employees , inventory control, repair and overhaul of rotables to include cost controls, purchasing and warranty administration. Served as the liaison between the Maintenance and Accounting Departments.
Professional Experience:Twenty two years experience in Regional-Airline Aircraft Supply involving all of the aspects mentioned in my summary of qualifications, and including considerable interaction with the Maintenance Department. Established the initial provisioning for three different types of aircraft, the most recent being the SAAB 340. The SAAB project included a 10.5 million dollar consignment store that was in place for a period of two years. This store was continually replenished by SAAB, and was paid for by trade in of CV580 inventory while we continued to operate that fleet.
Management:Responsible for planning, organizing, and the coordination of the Supply Department, so that it could optimally support the aircraft maintenance group in the most cost effective manner. I also brought the fine art of psychological and unconventional jungle warfare strategies to the airline industry in such a manner as to obtain peak performance from suppliers, manufacturers, and repair agencies.
Education: (Edited)
Activities:Special Operations Association
Special Forces Association
Hunting and collecting military arms
References: Available on request
That got me NOTICED !!!!:D
Later
Martin
Michelle
10-11-2005, 20:43
I also brought the fine art of psychological and unconventional jungle warfare strategies to the airline industry in such a manner as to obtain peak performance from suppliers, manufacturers, and repair agencies.
Later
Martin
Sweeeeeet! How could anyone NOT hire you at that point.
THAT is classic.
This thread is going to inspire me to be much more bold on my next resume.
m1
That got me NOTICED !!!!:D
Later
Martin
And rightly so!
Roycroft201
10-11-2005, 23:23
Gypsy and Ambush Master,
GREAT stuff !
You both have me thinking of ways to update my own resume. Thanks !
RC201
Ya think? :D.........Oh yeah, and I'm the only one that called him.
Your morbid curiosity never fails you does it ma'am? :rolleyes:
..........I also brought the fine art of psychological and unconventional jungle warfare strategies to the airline industry in such a manner as to obtain peak performance from suppliers, manufacturers, and repair agencies.
That got me NOTICED !!!!:D
Later
Martin
I'd hire you just to have a water cooler conversationist! This is another best quotes candidate. :lifter
Your morbid curiosity never fails you does it ma'am? :rolleyes:
Ehhh only sometimes. ;) I really wanted to find out what would drive someone to do what he did...getting into people's heads can be an interesting experience.
LOL, I had literally just finished reading "The Gift of Fear" (Thanks Ms FrontSight) before reading this thread.
My first reaction was "Danger Will Robinson!".
Then I had exactly the same reaction as you Ms Gypsy - "hmmm, what's going on in this guy's brain"?
I would have called too.
Darn that insatiable curiosity!