View Full Version : Blonde jokes...
A man sitting next to a beautiful blonde on a plane looked over to see her seemingly in shock from the headline in the newspaper she was holding, which read:
"12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed in Riots."
She turned toward him and with trembling voice asked "How many is a brazilian?"
******
A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...
One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude. Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
:D
Goggles Pizano
09-20-2005, 18:33
BWWWAAAAAAHHHHHAAA Oh, that last one was great!
Thanks for sharing Gypsy......funny stuff!!! :)
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice,set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more."THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Florida. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Three blondes walk into a bar. You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Bill Harsey
09-20-2005, 20:13
The blonde pulls into a gas station and notices a friend. She waves and asks her friend how she's doing. The friend starts complaining about the high price of gas.
The blonde says, "That doesn't effect me at all, I always get 20 dollars every time."
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune. . . . .
...Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
Ambush Master
09-20-2005, 21:33
That dyes her hair brunette ??
Artificial Intelligence !!!! :D :munchin
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
How can you tell a blonde has been working at your computer?
There's white out all over the screen.
Why do blondes hate vibrators?
They chip their teeth.
From the Blonde's Revenge
What do you call a cute guy in the arms of a brunette?
A hostage!
S
Michelle
09-21-2005, 18:48
Well, it's not a "joke" per se... but in the spirit of this thread.....
For the last 2 hours, there has been a Jet Blue airliner circling roughly over my house with a major nose-landing-gear problem... I mean major problem... and it's a smaller airbus that can't jettison fuel so they are just circling and trying to burn it off... god love these pilots, they are in for a nasty landing.
Breaking news just now: they are now reassigning them out to LAX which has the longest runways in the area, so the news helos, like slinking vultures, are finally leaving my ear-space (sic).
Anyway: Reports go into what kind of tarmac preparation will be involved for this landing, and there are suppositions about whether they will foam the runway prior to landing.
And the female newscaster says (and I sh*# you not) she says: "so, the foaming of the runway... will this help slow down the airplane upon it touching down?"
Swear to god.
She actually asked if the fire-retardant Mr. Bubble will actually play a role in the physics and friction of a fully loaded jet barrelling down the runway with an effed up front landing gear. "Will it slow it down" she asks.
The sad thing? She probably makes more money than any of us for asking these kinds of "intelligent" questions on a major network newscast.
Her hair color?
Ummmmm. Brunette!
Just goes to show stupidity runs much deeper than the scalp.
Speechless in California,
m1
Ambush Master
09-21-2005, 18:59
Her hair color?
Ummmmm. Brunette!
Just goes to show stupidity runs much deeper than the scalp.
Speechless in California,
m1
It's dyed !!! That is why it's called "Artificial Intelligence" !!! :D
Michelle
09-21-2005, 19:10
It's dyed !!! That is why it's called "Artificial Intelligence" !!! :D
Her hair is dead?
Or did you mean dyed? ;)
(and yes, I know, technically hair is considered "not living" past the follicular stage... but I couldn't resist).
m1
p.s. I can joke about this because I was born a blonde. I learned a while ago who *truly* has more fun. And Mum Nature favored me in this regard by changing it as I got older....I stopped fighting it about a year ago, and actually decided to lend a helping hand.
:munchin
Michelle
09-21-2005, 19:26
Addendum:
That pilot just made the most elegant landing you can ever imagine. He stayed more "in the lines" than most folks on the freeway here, despite a 90 degree turned nose landing gear.
Okay Ambush Master. Lets see if the pilot was a brunette. :D
Regardless... I gotta find out where to send flowers. Friggen job well done.
m1
Ok, this is from good advice, the reason blonde jokes are so simple, so that brunettes will understand them.
Mating calls;
The Blonde, "Are you boys all on the same team?"
The Brunette, "Has that Blonde bimbo left yet?" ;)
p.s. I can joke about this because I was born a blonde. I learned a while ago who *truly* has more fun. And Mum Nature favored me in this regard by changing it as I got older....I stopped fighting it about a year ago, and actually decided to lend a helping hand.
:munchin
And everyone thinks it's the blondes that have more fun. Ha!
Watched that landing live, amazing. When I saw the front landing gear firing up I feared the worst for a moment.
As to that reporter....damn.
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
ROFL
Michelle
09-22-2005, 18:41
Her hair is dead?
Or did you mean dyed?
(and yes, I know, technically hair is considered "not living" past the follicular stage... but I couldn't resist).
m1
p.s. I can joke about this because I was born a blonde. I learned a while ago who *truly* has more fun. And Mum Nature favored me in this regard by changing it as I got older....I stopped fighting it about a year ago, and actually decided to lend a helping hand.
Okay. Can I just say that is SO not fair... for someone to have the power to edit not only their post, but the quote in *mine* too!!!! Makes me look like a lunatic... :mad: ;)
And yes Ms. Gypsy, as GW says "make no mistake about it"..... it has become *very* clear to me who has more fun.... and it's not the blondes.... redheads have far more license.... for..... lots of things.... :D
m1
redheads have far more license.... for..... lots of things.... :D
m1
Why m1, that's a quote for posterity. :D
redheads have far more license.... for..... lots of things....
hmmm...interesting...when i got married, the LYB was definately brunette...dark, choclate brown hair...as the years passed, it has gone through bay to chestnut to dang-near red...hmmmm...wonder what she's up to... :confused:
***Did you hear about the blonde that....
1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.
4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"
5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
7. When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C."
8. Burnt her nose bobbing for french fries.
9. Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.
12. Got hurt while raking leaves...fell out of the tree.
13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds."
14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
*************
What goes "vroom-screech-vroom-screech', etc.?
- - A blonde at a flashing red light.
Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when one says, "Hurry, it's starting to rain and the top is down."
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
Michelle
09-29-2005, 15:32
A blonde buys a handgun at a local pawn shop because she thinks her husband is cheating on her. When she gets home, she finds her husband in bed with a another woman. The blonde grabs the gun out of her purse, loads it and points it
at her own head.
Her husband seeing this starts screaming at her not to shoot.
The blonde replies, "Shut up stupid! You're next!"
Well, lucky for us you didn't pull the trigger! :D
Michelle
09-29-2005, 17:58
Well, lucky for us you didn't pull the trigger! :D
You must've been in a hurry. A fairly obvious and common retort there for someone of your talent. :D
Not to mention the fact I'm not a blonde. ;)
m1
First off, I'm limited to a finite number of miracles per day; don't be spiteful just because you missed out this time around. Second, roots count, my dear airhe...uh, lady. :p
Michelle
09-29-2005, 18:30
First off, I'm limited to a finite number of miracles per day; don't be spiteful just because you missed out this time around. Second, roots count, my dear airhe...uh, lady. :p
Much better.
m1
Well, thank God I've been validated. I was sweating it there for a moment. :p
Right of reply.
30 REASONS TO BE BLONDE
1. We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar.
2. We get out of speeding tickets by crying.
3. We avoid speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage or leg.
4. We get to shop at Victoria's Secret.
5. We can marry rich and then not have to work.
6. We never have to pay when we go out on dates.
7. Men light our cigarettes for us.
8. Men hold the door open for us.
9. We pout better (those puppy dog eyes always work!).
10. We're cuter.
11. We lie better.
12. We're better manipulators.
13. We always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves - you guys get the couch.
14. We always have food in the fridge.
15. We don't worry about losing our hair.
16. We always get to choose the movie.
17. We don't have to mow the lawn.
18. We don't have to take out the garbage.
19. We don't have to paint the house or walls.
20. Cosmopolitan.
21. We can con our way out of anything - not just dig ourselves deeper into a hole.
22. Men unlock our side of the car first - a real bonus when its cold.
23. PMS is a legal defence for murder.
24. Sweat is sexy on us.
25. We never run out of excuses.
26. There's never a shortage of ready, willing and able men.
27. We get candy, flowers and jewellery all the time because men stuff up so often.
28. We can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in the corner.
29. We're better arguers.
30. We never have to sit home alone on a weekend night.
Let's not forget the overarching rule: No matter how hot she is, some guy, somewhere, is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
Let's not forget the overarching rule: No matter how hot she is, some guy, somewhere, is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
Yes
What do you call a blonde in the closet?
The 1984 hide and seek champion.
aricbcool
09-29-2005, 21:21
Right of reply.
30 REASONS TO BE BLONDE
How about 39 Reasons to be Male? :D
1. Your last name stays put.
2. The garage is all yours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. You can be President.
6. You can never be pregnant.
7. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
8. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
9. Car Mechanics tell you the truth.
10. The world is your urinal.
11. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
12. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
13. Same work, more pay.
14. Wrinkles add character.
15. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
16. People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
17. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
18. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
19. One mood all the time.
20. Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.
21. You know stuff about tanks.
22. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase .
23. You can open all of your own jars.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
26. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
27. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
28. You almost never have strap problems in public.
29. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
30. Everything on your face stays its original color.
31. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.
32. You only have to shave your face and neck.
33. You can play with toys all your life.
34. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
35. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
36. You can wear shorts no matter what how your legs look.
37. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
38. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
39. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
LOL,
# 12 - there's only one way to turn a nut on a bolt? :D I always thought that had more to do with being left-handed than with being female, but obviously I am doubly handicapped!
# 21 - and guns. I think this one is built into the XY genetic code.
XY's who I know have never picked up a gun in their lives can still roll off the names of at least 5 different types of machine gun without taking breath. :D
# 27 - Sacrilege!!
frostfire
10-05-2005, 23:42
Two women were new arrivals at the pearly gates and were comparing stories on how they died.
1st woman: "I froze to death."
2nd woman: "How horrible!"
1st woman: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold,I began to get warm
and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"
2nd woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all
by himself in the den watching TV."
1st woman: "So what happened?"
2nd woman: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started
running all over the house looking for her.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.
Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."
1st woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive!"