Local_Pol
02-18-2004, 12:36
Instructions for using ATM machines:
HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM.
2. Insert card.
3. Enter PIN number.
4. Take cash, card and receipt.
5. Drive away.
HERS:
1. Pull up to ATM.
2. Back up and forward to get closer.
3. Shut off engine.
4. Put keys in purse.
5. Get out of car because you're still too far from machine.
6. Hunt for card in purse.
7. Insert card.
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.
9. Enter PIN.
10. Study instructions.
11. Hit, "Cancel" button.
12. Re-enter correct PIN.
13. Check balance.
14. Look in purse for pen.
15. Look for envelope.
16. Make out deposit slip.
17. Endorse check.
18. Make deposit.
19. Study instructions.
20. Make cash withdrawal.
21. Get in car.
22. Check makeup.
23. Start pulling away.
24. Stop.
25. Back up to machine.
26. Get out of car.
27. Take card and receipt.
28. Get back in car.
29. Enter deposit and withdrawal in checkbook.
30. Put car in reverse.
31. Put car in drive.
32. Drive 3 miles.
33. Release parking brake.
Local_Pol
02-18-2004, 12:38
Oil Changing Instructions
Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump it in a hole in
your back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. More beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish the case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy more beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December and tore cheezy wall calendar.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car 1/2 quart low for 7000 miles when it will be time for another oil change.
Local_Pol
02-29-2004, 14:22
Because I'm A Man...
** Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
** Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
** Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
** Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
** Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
** Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger. I mean, how the heck could he know where we're going?
** Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or food, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
** Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom, too!
** Because I'm a man, I am capable of announcing, "One more beer and I really have to go", and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. Like, what's the connection?
** Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
** Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
** Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 21st Century, I will share equally in the housework? You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.