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Local_Pol
02-16-2004, 11:28
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court". These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters--who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

A: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways, does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: 38 or 35, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan [I could see this happening...]

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure. I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing:
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning.

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-four year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

This is the best one of all. Guess that is why it was saved for last.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No
Q; How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Local_Pol
02-17-2004, 11:34
Legislative Act 0370-00

0370-00. Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys PC

370-01. Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.

370-02. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The following bait methods are prohibited:

01. United States currency
02. Free participation percentage in a Tobacco Settlement.
03. Free participation percentage in Asbestos Settlement.
04. Free participation percentage in <Specify Here> class action litigation.

370-03. The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse.

If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash for extended power washing / cleaning.

370-04. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter, or aircraft.

370-05. It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.

370-06. It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Lexus, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.

370-07. It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.

370-08. If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.

370-09. It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

370-10. Bag and Possession Limits per day:

01. Yellow-bellied sidewinders One (1)
02. Two-faced tortfeasors One (1)
03. Back-stabbing divorce litigators Three (3)
04. Horn-rimmed cut-throats Two (2)
05. Minutiae-advocating dirtbags Four (4)

06. Honest attorneys are protected under provisions of the Endangered Species Act. Current listings provided under the terms of the Endangered Species Act show two listings [effective 01.01.2004]:

Airborne Lawyer
Roguish Lawyer

ABT 8007-21. It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.

Local_Pol
02-27-2004, 11:42
Once upon a timeā€¦..

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, don't even know what I am."

"Quite okay," replied the snake.

"Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."

Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement. "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a politician or an attorney."