View Full Version : Legend Of the Mall-Ninja
WheresARetrans
06-30-2015, 09:45
Had this passed to me recently, it is a bit dated but it's a worthwhile piece of internet history.
http://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/
ah yes...
Gecko45 - my old nemesis.
I am quite pleased that he has faded into obscurity.
His ability to shield innocents with his body and "catch the rounds" while his SO assembles her single shot 300-WinMag and returns fire was the 'wild card' I was worried about when the plan for JADE HELM started coming together...
(cross thread points -bazinga - hooray for me)
...there is still a small chance that he could pop up once we initiate hostilities, but the hope is that 14 years of taking repeated hits in the back of his body armor with 30 caliber projectiles has slowed him down just a little.
Let me share a little story for those of you that might be unfamiliar with the Mall-Ninja:
I ran into the mall ninja once during one of our initial "citizen-oppression operations" way back in the summer of 2007. "We" used the Iraq troop surge to cover our horrendous acts of tyranny against US citizens of the American southwest. Back then we didn't bother to use names like JADE HELM; we just went out and oppressed the shit out of random americans as a way of prepping for that day when the president would finally institute martial law and cut us loose on those crazy southwestern liberty lovers...
...well, lets just say that I didn't get to read a blog about the ASP and the Glock that Mall-Ninja tapes to his legs.
I found out the hard way.
The fact is, eight years ago this month, I came face to face with the Mall Ninja. I got the drop on him and was about to lay the coup de grâce on him, but I had a moment of pity and dropped my guard. In that instant of weakness, I saw Mall Ninja move faster than I have ever seen a human move before or since.
Mall Ninja pulled his ASP baton from its custom made duct tape holster on his right calf and snapped me in the shin so hard that it made me piss my pants.
If not for my OWN lightning fast reflexes HIS next move could have been MY last.
His well executed combat roll allowed him to transition from ASP baton to his Glock pistol as he snapped off two quick rounds from his G27.
I'm telling you... THAT.MOTHER.FUCKER.IS.FAST.
If he hadn't scored that ASP strike to my shins and chosen to go for his gun first, I'd have had him but taking a baton strike to the shins and pissing my pants had slowed me down by just a few hundredths of a second - that was all he needed to secure his survival and eventual escape.
...not a night goes by that I don't thank my 4th Degree Black belt in Capoeira for saving my life that day. The ability to combine the elements of dance, acrobatics, and martial arts is what allowed me turn that bruised shin, pants-wetting experience into a second chance at my OWN life. Had I not been so graceful on my feet even in such excruciating pain, his two shots would have gotten me.
I got off a few rounds of my own and because of my superior marksmanship skills, scored at least one hit as he made his dash for freedom. I followed the blood trail through a utility door into an access corridor. I tired to follow him through the corridor but the blood trail faded pretty quick. I had no problem overcoming the pain in my shin, but with the huge wet spot in the crotch of my Khaki assault pants, I knew my cover was blown.
That was eight years ago this month...
...now you all know why JADE HELM is so important to me.
Once Mall Ninja hears I am in town oppressing the customers at one of the nation’s largest indoor retail shopping centers, he will have no choice but to face me again. I will have my reckoning and his friends and neighbors will suffer because of him and that damn ASP baton. I fully expect to take at least one or two more shots to the shins with that ASP baton of his...
...but this time I will be wearing a darker shade of pants so the piss stain wont blow my cover.
I'm coming for you Mall Ninja
- 071515 MOTHERFUCKER !!!!!!!
Streck-Fu
06-30-2015, 12:23
I buried Gecko45 in my back yard next to the cat.
ah yes...
Gecko45 - my old nemesis.
I am quite pleased that he has faded into obscurity.
Let me share a little story for those of you that might be unfamiliar with the Mall-Ninja:
...
That was eight years ago this month...
...now you all know why JADE HELM is so important to me.
Once Mall Ninja hears I am in town oppressing the customers at one of the nation’s largest indoor retail shopping centers, he will have no choice but to face me again. I will have my reckoning and his friends and neighbors will suffer because of him and that damn ASP baton. I fully expect to take at least one or two more shots to the shins with that ASP baton of his...
...but this time I will be wearing a darker shade of pants so the piss stain wont blow my cover.
I'm coming for you Mall Ninja
- 071515 MOTHERFUCKER !!!!!!!
That, sir, was OUTSTANDING.
craigepo
06-30-2015, 14:29
"BTW A one time experiementation while in the military, does not make one a homosexual."
Classic
Gold Eagle
06-30-2015, 18:08
I'm glad you lived through the Ninja assault to tell the story!
Be thankful he didn't hit you in the nuts.:eek:
I buried Gecko45 in my back yard next to the cat.
That was a dumb thing to admit. Now Billy is coming to your house on 071515!
Streck-Fu
06-30-2015, 19:27
That was a dumb thing to admit. Now Billy is coming to your house on 071515!
He can have him if he wants him. :)
Streck-Fu
06-30-2015, 19:28
"BTW A one time experiementation while in the military, does not make one a homosexual."
Classic
Suck a dick once and you're labelled a cocksucker for life....
(1VB)compforce
06-30-2015, 20:22
Pitching or catching you're still in the game...
ah yes...
Gecko45 - my old nemesis.
I am quite pleased that he has faded into obscurity.
His ability to shield innocents with his body and "catch the rounds" while his SO assembles her single shot 300-WinMag and returns fire was the 'wild card' I was worried about when the plan for JADE HELM started coming together...
(cross thread points -bazinga - hooray for me)
...there is still a small chance that he could pop up once we initiate hostilities, but the hope is that 14 years of taking repeated hits in the back of his body armor with 30 caliber projectiles has slowed him down just a little.
Let me share a little story for those of you that might be unfamiliar with the Mall-Ninja:
I ran into the mall ninja once during one of our initial "citizen-oppression operations" way back in the summer of 2007. "We" used the Iraq troop surge to cover our horrendous acts of tyranny against US citizens of the American southwest. Back then we didn't bother to use names like JADE HELM; we just went out and oppressed the shit out of random americans as a way of prepping for that day when the president would finally institute martial law and cut us loose on those crazy southwestern liberty lovers...
...well, lets just say that I didn't get to read a blog about the ASP and the Glock that Mall-Ninja tapes to his legs.
I found out the hard way.
The fact is, eight years ago this month, I came face to face with the Mall Ninja. I got the drop on him and was about to lay the coup de grâce on him, but I had a moment of pity and dropped my guard. In that instant of weakness, I saw Mall Ninja move faster than I have ever seen a human move before or since.
Mall Ninja pulled his ASP baton from its custom made duct tape holster on his right calf and snapped me in the shin so hard that it made me piss my pants.
If not for my OWN lightning fast reflexes HIS next move could have been MY last.
His well executed combat roll allowed him to transition from ASP baton to his Glock pistol as he snapped off two quick rounds from his G27.
I'm telling you... THAT.MOTHER.FUCKER.IS.FAST.
If he hadn't scored that ASP strike to my shins and chosen to go for his gun first, I'd have had him but taking a baton strike to the shins and pissing my pants had slowed me down by just a few hundredths of a second - that was all he needed to secure his survival and eventual escape.
...not a night goes by that I don't thank my 4th Degree Black belt in Capoeira for saving my life that day. The ability to combine the elements of dance, acrobatics, and martial arts is what allowed me turn that bruised shin, pants-wetting experience into a second chance at my OWN life. Had I not been so graceful on my feet even in such excruciating pain, his two shots would have gotten me.
I got off a few rounds of my own and because of my superior marksmanship skills, scored at least one hit as he made his dash for freedom. I followed the blood trail through a utility door into an access corridor. I tired to follow him through the corridor but the blood trail faded pretty quick. I had no problem overcoming the pain in my shin, but with the huge wet spot in the crotch of my Khaki assault pants, I knew my cover was blown.
That was eight years ago this month...
...now you all know why JADE HELM is so important to me.
Once Mall Ninja hears I am in town oppressing the customers at one of the nation’s largest indoor retail shopping centers, he will have no choice but to face me again. I will have my reckoning and his friends and neighbors will suffer because of him and that damn ASP baton. I fully expect to take at least one or two more shots to the shins with that ASP baton of his...
...but this time I will be wearing a darker shade of pants so the piss stain wont blow my cover.
I'm coming for you Mall Ninja
- 071515 MOTHERFUCKER !!!!!!!
Dude, you da man! :lifter You danced with the Gecko and lived to tell the story? I'm sure you'll tell us more at the frap party after the JH15 spent uranium dust settles. :D
Pat
Dude, you da man! :lifter You danced with the Gecko and lived to tell the story? I'm sure you'll tell us more at the frap party after the JH15 spent uranium dust settles. :D
Pat
I was younger and hadn't broken my back yet...