Making time for the family...

[mjbwarrior]

How do you find time for the family with the high op-tempo? For the guys married with children. I'm married with 2 kids. Just adding the additional time to train up for selection added to my work schedule and I can see the time spent with the family dwindling. Just last night my daughter had a brain fart with her math homework and the wife was getting my 10 month old ready for bed and I was just walking in the door from work and after a quick bite to eat out the door again for some land nav and ruck march... then the brain fart. I stayed and took care of my daughters math issue and it cut into my training time. Anyway, that's an example of the microcosm of the macrocosm. It happens all the time. I think my wife is more excited than I am about me going to selection and she is all for it if I get selected. No problems with her supporting me there but the time is the issue. How do you and your spouses deal with it?

[alelks]

How do you find time for the family with the high op-tempo? For the guys married with children. I'm married with 2 kids. Just adding the additional time to train up for selection added to my work schedule and I can see the time spent with the family dwindling. Just last night my daughter had a brain fart with her math homework and the wife was getting my 10 month old ready for bed and I was just walking in the door from work and after a quick bite to eat out the door again for some land nav and ruck march... then the brain fart. I stayed and took care of my daughters math issue and it cut into my training time. Anyway, that's an example of the microcosm of the macrocosm. It happens all the time. I think my wife is more excited than I am about me going to selection and she is all for it if I get selected. No problems with her supporting me there but the time is the issue. How do you and your spouses deal with it?

Honestly, it takes a special woman/family in a marriage when you are in Special Forces. The best thing you can do is spend as much quality time with your family when you can and to make sure they are taken care of when you are not there.

There are family support groups out there and every unit has one so make sure you take advantage of it. Also make sure your wife has all the proper documentation to take care of things when you are not their such as a Power of Attorney, an updated Will etc. etc. etc. It's not for everyone and you will miss many important events in your family's life but that goes along with the territory.

[mjbwarrior]

alelks...

Reading your bio I guess you and your wife figured something out because you stayed in SF quite a while. Thanks for the reply and thanks for your service.

[alelks]

Correct! I've been married to my wife for over 35 years now. :)

[mark46th]

I broke up with my girl friend when I went in the army. I went to Southeast Asia and was gone for 2 years. No problems...

And as always, the Search Button is your friend...
http://www.professionalsoldiers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=27826&highlight=marriage+family+time

http://www.professionalsoldiers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=33091&highlight=marriage+family+time

[Old Dog New Trick]

The key is to make every second count, because you will soon find out there are not enough minutes in the day. Everything will become a sacrifice - time spent getting nothing done or getting everything done will take its toll.

Never leave or end a night on a sour note: with the wife or the kids.

There is a high divorce rate in this line of work, if only because both sides stop trying, and it takes both sides to make it work.

Leave work at work, don't bring it home with you until you and your family are ready together to complete the mission.

Tell them little, very little of what you do day to day, just say it was a good day, now where were we? :D

[Snaquebite]

Good question...I agree with Al.
1st marriage...5 years, together 13 months

28 yrs later...single and 3 more ex-wives

[SF_BHT]

Good question...I agree with Al.
1st marriage...5 years, together 13 months

28 yrs later...single and 3 more ex-wives

And that is a bad thing? You know it is hard to find a woman that can shoot, set up a camp, skin a dear, cook, bring you could beer or a properly poured bourbon and clean up after you get out of the field. They also have to give you massages to relax after a hard workout, spot you on the bench, run with you on your daily 3-5 mile runs and look good in her bike outfit. Oh yeah she has to have a good job and educated to hold up her end of the finances since you are not going to be paid shit. She has to know what to us you (guns, parachutes, dive gear, bass boat or off shore capable oat to fish and dive off). Just a few points but important ones.;)

[MtnGoat]

As alelks said, it takes a special woman/family to be with a man who is in the military and one that can work this out by her self in a marriage when you are in Special Forces.

For me when I'm home, you have to make time to be there for each of your kids. Each to their own in their ways of making it happen. My son isn't into shooting guns, but I drag him out with me on a weekend for father-son time. My son, like every kid I feel, plays his Xbox. I suck at it, but every deployment I work on my gaming skill to play with him at his first person games. Deployments, we (SF) have it best, so you can talk to your family for free typically, internet at firebases, and sometime, not always you can video chat. With your kids and school, my daughter has my brain, not the best personality traits :D So when she is having issues with school I will email her teachers or even call them up so I know WTH is going on. My wife works and it is hard for her to make a pareant/ teacher conference while I'm deployed. Email works and I have never been turned away on a deployement, teachers know because of your kids. If your school doesn't have a after school tutoring services, then you need to ask the school or teachers for the help and who (Teachers) provides any tutoring services. This way if your wife doesn't know a subject, you will know what teachers do at home tutoring services in the evening or after school.

Being married, that is different for each person. For me, The wife and I will take a trip for a long weekend (Fri, Sat and Sun) by ourseleves. She will tell the kids slepp over at a friends house, she talks to other pareants about the weekend plans we have and most parteants know the deal and will help out. Go to the beach, mountains, a major city for a music group concert, whatever. Get away by ourselevs to have fun like dating or talk things out away from the kids. Just like when I'm deployed we will skype when the kids are gone to talk about issues we don't want them to hear. Once again your time management skills are at play. But your wife has to be able to live on here own; do the bills, run the kids to sporting events, cook meals, all household chores, in-laws issues/drama, etc.

As far as training for SFAS, you have to do that early in the morning, during the daytime or late at night or weekends IMO. When I'm getting ready to deploy, I throw on my kit or pack and hit the streets and trails around my house after my kids are asleep or get earlier to do the same thing. Your time management, just like anyone in life, school/college, etc is what makes you find the time. You have to know how to use your time, just as when you finially make it into SF or the military you'll have to deal with these "things". SF wants "External motivation" people, DOERs not WAITERs, thinkers. Your wife wanting you SF.. Humm.. anyways then, she needs to pick up when your not there. She will be doing it when your gone on a deployment. If your joining as a 18X, it will be a big eye opener when you go off to basic for her. She needs to know how to do things NOW, while you're there, if she isn't already. Get her on some 25 meter targets, if she doesn't have any now.

My wife has been with me since before I went to selection as my GF and married to my crazy @$$ for 15 years, 18 years total. Just my point of views.

[mjbwarrior]

And that is a bad thing? You know it is hard to find a woman that can shoot, set up a camp, skin a dear, cook, bring you could beer or a properly poured bourbon and clean up after you get out of the field. They also have to give you massages to relax after a hard workout, spot you on the bench, run with you on your daily 3-5 mile runs and look good in her bike outfit. Oh yeah she has to have a good job and educated to hold up her end of the finances since you are not going to be paid shit. She has to know what to us you (guns, parachutes, dive gear, bass boat or off shore capable oat to fish and dive off). Just a few points but important ones.;)



Classic

[mjbwarrior]

As alelks said, it takes a special woman/family to be with a man who is in the military and one that can work this out by her self in a marriage when you are in Special Forces.

For me when I'm home, you have to make time to be there for each of your kids. Each to their own in their ways of making it happen. My son isn't into shooting guns, but I drag him out with me on a weekend for father-son time. My son, like every kid I feel, plays his Xbox. I suck at it, but every deployment I work on my gaming skill to play with him at his first person games. Deployments, we (SF) have it best, so you can talk to your family for free typically, internet at firebases, and sometime, not always you can video chat. With your kids and school, my daughter has my brain, not the best personality traits :D So when she is having issues with school I will email her teachers or even call them up so I know WTH is going on. My wife works and it is hard for her to make a pareant/ teacher conference while I'm deployed. Email works and I have never been turned away on a deployement, teachers know because of your kids. If your school doesn't have a after school tutoring services, then you need to ask the school or teachers for the help and who (Teachers) provides any tutoring services. This way if your wife doesn't know a subject, you will know what teachers do at home tutoring services in the evening or after school.

Being married, that is different for each person. For me, The wife and I will take a trip for a long weekend (Fri, Sat and Sun) by ourseleves. She will tell the kids slepp over at a friends house, she talks to other pareants about the weekend plans we have and most parteants know the deal and will help out. Go to the beach, mountains, a major city for a music group concert, whatever. Get away by ourselevs to have fun like dating or talk things out away from the kids. Just like when I'm deployed we will skype when the kids are gone to talk about issues we don't want them to hear. Once again your time management skills are at play. But your wife has to be able to live on here own; do the bills, run the kids to sporting events, cook meals, all household chores, in-laws issues/drama, etc.

As far as training for SFAS, you have to do that early in the morning, during the daytime or late at night or weekends IMO. When I'm getting ready to deploy, I throw on my kit or pack and hit the streets and trails around my house after my kids are asleep or get earlier to do the same thing. Your time management, just like anyone in life, school/college, etc is what makes you find the time. You have to know how to use your time, just as when you finially make it into SF or the military you'll have to deal with these "things". SF wants "External motivation" people, DOERs not WAITERs, thinkers. Your wife wanting you SF.. Humm.. anyways then, she needs to pick up when your not there. She will be doing it when your gone on a deployment. If your joining as a 18X, it will be a big eye opener when you go off to basic for her. She needs to know how to do things NOW, while you're there, if she isn't already. Get her on some 25 meter targets, if she doesn't have any now.

My wife has been with me since before I went to selection as my GF and married to my crazy @$$ for 15 years, 18 years total. Just my point of views.





A little bit about myself. I'm 35 married with 2 kids. 4yrs Active Army E5. Stationed at Hunter Army Air Field in Savannah, GA. 224th MI BN. 35P Arabic Linguist. Intel Guy. Work a crazy schedule that is always changing. We do good work in my unit directly supporting units down range with real-time "stuff". The reason I am telling you this is because the schedule is crazy at times. Then add in typical unit stuff. Then add in my training for SFAS whic I do exactly like you say... at night when the kids get to bed and weekends/days off. It may not sound like much but anyone married in the military knows that good time management is a great skill. My wife supports my decisions, she has dealyt with me being away. She is still perfecting her skills in that area but its's coming along. I agree totally with what you said but just wanted to giv a little info about myself so you know where I am coming from. You and your wife also must have figured out something that works because as it was said, divorce is high in SF and in the military in general so kudos to you and your wife for making it happen.

Thanks for the reply.

[SF_BHT]

A little bit about myself. I'm 35 married with 2 kids. 4yrs Active Army E5. Stationed at Hunter Army Air Field in Savannah, GA. 224th MI BN. 35P Arabic Linguist. Intel Guy. Work a crazy schedule that is always changing. We do good work in my unit directly supporting units down range with real-time "stuff". The reason I am telling you this is because the schedule is crazy at times. Then add in typical unit stuff. Then add in my training for SFAS whic I do exactly like you say... at night when the kids get to bed and weekends/days off. It may not sound like much but anyone married in the military knows that good time management is a great skill. My wife supports my decisions, she has dealyt with me being away. She is still perfecting her skills in that area but its's coming along. I agree totally with what you said but just wanted to giv a little info about myself so you know where I am coming from. You and your wife also must have figured out something that works because as it was said, divorce is high in SF and in the military in general so kudos to you and your wife for making it happen.

Thanks for the reply.

The Marriage and Family is always a work in progress up to the day you are put into the ground at a very old age. Train Her, Train Her, Train Her.... She has to be able to defend the home front while her man is working and putting food on the table just like back in the frontier days. She needs to know how to shoot the shotgun or pistol to protect the little ones. If she is anti Gun train her just like she trained you to do all the honey dooooosssss that never ends. Make sure she is self sufficient and does not have to rely on anyone but knows who to call if needed. The worst thing is to have a spouse contact you and be all in tears because something broke or little Johnny is having problems. She needs to be strong so you can keep your head in the game. A team mate that is distracted and tore up about the last call is a danger for himself, the team and the mission.

We used to joke that you had to be on your 3rd wife to make SGM and it was somewhat true but with enough work and proper selection and training between the both of you it can work. Good luck now Get back to Training.

[Lighthouse]

Roger that. Previous deleted

[Dozer523]

Great advice guys. I'd like to add if you all don't mind is . . .
. . . if you get to an ODA. Have a sit down with her and talk a bit about God and . . . . .
Actually, we do mind. Read the sticky on this thread.
And, If YOU get to an ODA then you can share your wealth of knowledge.
http://www.professionalsoldiers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=22758
I hope you've enjoyed your first week here so far.

[ZonieDiver]

Actually, we do mind. Read the sticky on this thread.
And, If YOU get to an ODA then you can share your wealth of knowledge.

I hope you've enjoyed your first week here so far.

"Stickies?!?! Stickies...!?!?! We don't need no stinking stickies!"

Hey, do we need a "Pink Font" stickey somewhere????:D

[blue02hd]

"Men, Special Forces is a mistress. Your wives will envy her because she will have your hearts. Your wives will be jealous of her because of the power to pull you away. This mistress will show you things never before seen and experience things never before felt. She will love you, but only a little, seducing you to want more, give more, die for her. She will take you away from the ones you love, and you will hate her for it, but leave her you never will, but if you must, you will miss her, for she has a part of you that will never be returned intact.And in the end, she will leave you for a younger man."James R. Ward, OSS

Always remember, your family will be there after the Army is through with you.

Or maybe not.

[mjbwarrior]

The good news is my wife is behind me on this and that means a lot to me. It helps keep my head where it needs to be and not worrying about how she feels which pulls my focus away from the goal.

[garythagreat]

The key is to make every second count, because you will soon find out there are not enough minutes in the day. Everything will become a sacrifice - time spent getting nothing done or getting everything done will take its toll.

Never leave or end a night on a sour note: with the wife or the kids.

There is a high divorce rate in this line of work, if only because both sides stop trying, and it takes both sides to make it work.

Leave work at work, don't bring it home with you until you and your family are ready together to complete the mission.

Tell them little, very little of what you do day to day, just say it was a good day, now where were we? :D

One of the best quotes I've ran across in my young life, "time spent getting nothing done or getting everything done will take its toll."