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Puns for the educated
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with-- transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"
6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
.........and finally, if you're not in too much pain -
10. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
Those are great! Thank you.
ZonieDiver
07-28-2010, 16:20
Stolen. Great for history teachers!
Thanks... :D
2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
Destroyed in a Fire ?????
So William Tell could be a poser ??????
:munchin
Ret10Echo
07-28-2010, 18:55
Good chuckle..
I'll have what the otter is drinking..
TOMAHAWK9521
07-29-2010, 02:15
Old Butch
John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Charles Dickens was despondently seated in a Paris bar, telling the bartender, "Jacques, it is the worst of times for I am without an idea for a new work. Let me partake of a vodka martini."
To which the bartender responded, "Olive or twist?"
Richard :munchin
x SF med
07-29-2010, 09:12
Charles Dickens was despondently seated in a Paris bar, telling the bartender, "Jacques, it is the worst of times for I am without an idea for a new work. Let me partake of a vodka martini."
To which the bartender responded, "Olive or twist?"
Richard :munchin
Should have expected that one from the Principal. I like the tie in between the two books and the author, and the way he is compared to Hemingway with the martini...
Should have expected that one from the Principal. I like the tie in between the two books and the author, and the way he is compared to Hemingway with the martini...
And another over-educated omega-3 eating ex-Medic weighs in - was your MRFL looking over your shoulder and coaching you? Tell her, "Nice work." :D
Take care,
Richard
LibraryLady
07-29-2010, 09:56
... another over-educated omega-3 eating ex-Medic ...
Don't all of these ^ get involved with dumb blondes? :D
LL
Don't all of these ^ get involved with dumb blondes? :D
Blondes, yep - but...;)
Richard :munchin
dr. mabuse
07-29-2010, 13:24
All very punny. A new type of corporal punishment no doubt. :cool:
(insert rim shot)
dr. mabuse
07-29-2010, 13:32
O.K. Two for the road.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what? A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
1stindoor
07-29-2010, 15:54
I once entered a pun writing contest. The rules stated that each participant had to enter ten different puns. The winner would be decided by a panel of judges and whoever had the best ten would be declared the winner. Unfortunately none of mine won....actually...
No pun in ten did.
Then there was the alligator that went into the bar and asked for a drink.
The bartender said, "No, we don't serve 'gators here"...at which point some female bar fly at the end of the table started laughing at him.
The alligator became incensed and lept on the woman and ate her, then turned to the bartender and said, "What about that drink now?"
The bartender said, "Sorry...we don't serve alcohol to drug users."
"Who you callin' a drug user?" the alligator asked.
The bartender said, "Well...what do you call that bar bitch you ate."
Termite goes into a bar and asks waitress, "Is the bar tender here?"
Two antennae got married. The wedding wasn't much to speak of, but the reception was excellent.
In 1975, a young Hanoi artist was commissioned to design a victory statue, when the gold figure was revealed, it sent the great leader into angry spasms. “Why? I’ll tell you why,” said the General, “Because General Minh prefer bronze!”
What do you call 360 health conscious congressmen who sing?
"A Moron Tab and Apple Choir."
1stindoor
07-30-2010, 19:48
In 1975, a young Hanoi artist was commissioned to design a victory statue, when the gold figure was revealed, it sent the great leader into angry spasms. “Why? I’ll tell you why,” said the General, “Because General Minh prefer bronze!”
No more callers please...we have a winner.
GratefulCitizen
08-01-2010, 16:07
While brontosaurus was big and tyrannosaurus was fast, Mr. Teeth was a mean, nasty, hateful, awful, malevolent, malicious, hostile, offensive, vile, filthy, foul, abominable, atrocious, dreadful, terrible, unspeakable, dire, horrific, odious, detestable, execrable, wicked, unwholesome, evil, unsavory, flagitious, heinos, grievous, monstrous rogetsthesaurus.
1stindoor
08-02-2010, 06:24
While brontosaurus was big and tyrannosaurus was fast, Mr. Teeth was a .....monstrous rogetsthesaurus.
Which brings up this question, what's another word for thesaurus?
Which brings up this question, what's another word for thesaurus?
Synonymy or synonimi. ;)
Richard :munchin
1stindoor
08-02-2010, 08:44
Synonymy or synonimi. ;)
Richard :munchin
Thus ending 20 years of one of my favorite questions.
Synonymy or synonimi. ;)
Richard :munchin
Wow, thanks Sir Richard. I never knew that! You have a plethora of information. :)
And since 1stindoor started with the rhetorical questions...I have a couple for you as well.
1. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
2. Before drawing boards, what did we have to go back to?
:D
1stindoor
08-02-2010, 10:58
Wow, thanks Sir Richard. I never knew that! You have a plethora of information. :)
And since 1stindoor started with the rhetorical questions...I have a couple for you as well.
1. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
2. Before drawing boards, what did we have to go back to?
:D
1. I can only speculate on Barbie...and it's best left unsaid.
2. Before the "drawing board" we went to the sand table.;)
BlackHills
08-03-2010, 05:59
Three strings walk into a bar. They grab a seat and the bartender walks over. He looks at the first string and says "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here".
He looks at the second string and tells him the same thing.
As the words start coming out of his mouth the third string hops off the barstool and goes to the bathroom. He messes his hair up and ties himself into a half-hitch.
He walks back to the bar and sits down. The bartender comes over, looks at him suspiciously and says "Aren't you a string too?"
He replies "No, I'm a frayed knot".
Synonymy or synonimi.
A bit off topic, but I spent some time visiting friends in Athens during school.
We would sit around drinking and solving the world's problems.
Whenever one of the Greeks said " I don't know, that's Chinese to me"
He couldn't figure out why all the Americans kept falling over laughing...;)
Whenever one of the Greeks said " I don't know, that's Chinese to me"
He couldn't figure out why all the Americans kept falling over laughing...
Now that's a good one - guess they don't read any of the more modern writers like Shakespeare in Greece. ;)
Richard :munchin
A bit off topic, but I spent some time visiting friends in Athens during school.
We would sit around drinking and solving the world's problems.
Whenever one of the Greeks said " I don't know, that's Chinese to me"
He couldn't figure out why all the Americans kept falling over laughing...;)
That is hilarious!
Dozer523
10-18-2010, 22:00
More Puns for Educated Minds
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4 .A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.