View Full Version : Family Life in SFG
ReconGaelach
02-23-2010, 08:56
I did a little searching and could not find anything that specifically answers my question on this topic.
My question is for active duty SF personnel about the quality of family life in SF. My wife is concerned not so much about deployments, but how much time is typically spent at home versus away at schools and training. I'm also curious about the answer to this question. No doubt there are sacrafices that an SF family makes to accomadate the intense op tempo and training, but how much time is there actually left to spend with family on a daily and monthly basis?
My wife is obviously a big part of my life and it is imperative that I have her full support before throwing my hat into the ring. I appreciate your input.
-JH
mark46th
02-23-2010, 09:12
When I was first assigned to group in 1971, the Divorce rate was 97%, surpassed only by SAC with 98%. I hope it has improved...
I can only speak based on my experiences - my wife and I have been married for 35 years - we sat down once and figured the time spent home/away while we were married and I was in the Army - the average was 235 days per year - the longest single deployment being 10 months - a number of times I returned to Fort Bragg for 2-3 weeks and then left again for 60-180 days.
It is what it is and your situation may vary for better or worse.
I would do it all again today.
Richard's $.02 :munchin
Snaquebite
02-23-2010, 09:40
but how much time is there actually left to spend with family on a daily and monthly basis?
It is what it is. There is no way to predict this or even come up with an average. The Op-Tempo, and too many other factors drive that train. You go where you're told to go, do what you're told to do, for as long as you are required to do so.
When you are at home, you make the most of it because you don't necessarily know when you will be gone again.
Ret10Echo
02-23-2010, 09:48
When you are at home, you make the most of it because you don't necessarily know when you will be gone again.
Took me a couple of deployments to come to the understanding that it was "Momma's House" and the best thing was to minimize the disturbance in the karma when I got home. After a few years it got to the point where my wife would ask "Don't you have a deployment or some trip planned?"
23 years later she still thinks that way. :D
mark46th
02-23-2010, 10:22
To his wife, an SF husand is a stranger who shows up every 6 months with a sack of dirty laundry and a hard-on...
Dozer523
02-23-2010, 10:34
When I was first assigned to group in 1971, the Divorce rate was 97%, surpassed only by SAC with 98%. I hope it has improved... It has improved. It's at 124% cuz some of us remarried and got divorced again.
Like Richard, My Reason For Living checked off the days apart on the calendar. At the one year mark we counted the "nights apart" and it totaled about 225 IIRC ( There were two overseas deployments, an exercise or two . . . it was the late 80's; you took what you got and were happy for it. We saved time by going to the ranges and staying over. What sucked was to get ranges we often had to accept Saturdays and Sundays. That got old!) My Team Sergeant's wife (Peggy) took great care of her as did the other wives in the Company. They took her under their wing, gave her the "good SF Wife class" and helped her to do her part. It did not hurt that she was young, working, we had no children, her family was 5 hours drive away, we lived in Clarksville, and our neighbors all looked after her while I was away.
Fast forward to when I rejoined the NG after a 10 year break in service. I deployed to Afghanistan (total time away 16 months) MRFL had a job with considerably more responsibility, three kids and a dog, living in So Cal. There was no FRG to speak of, no wives, no family. She just "handled it". (I've been home for almost three years and I'll never have that debt repaid:p)
Wives are tough. As long as you keep them in love with you by showing them how much you love them, they do okay.
To his wife, an SF husand is a stranger who shows up every 6 months with a sack of dirty laundry and a hard-on... The SECOND thing I'm gonna do when I get home is drop this ruck.:D
Most the time you are a single parent that is just the way it is like it or not ....with the life comes some privileges and some hard ships .
A wife should understand her husband's job ,and understand the team comes before anything else . BE PROUD OF IT . His commitment to his team and his job is part of who he is .....
Support him in every way possible .
I was married to my husband only a couple months when he started the Q .I did everything I could to learn about the life ,the job ,and so forth .I just happen to be a woman who loves it ,and would be doing it if I was a man ;) .
I was also a single parent 6 yrs before we married ,so I was used to being a lone .
A woman should be able to take care of herself ,be independent ,resourceful ,and 10000% understanding .
That is my opinion ,my out look . I rarely meet anyone that is on the same page with me honestly (wives) I guess I am just weird .
I was married a few time, yep I said it, but I truly feel it was not cause of SF, but do to the young, self-centered, high maintenance, losers, lack of faith, lack of trust, my wife where.
So I picked the ones that would on the first date..so... :D
No it real maters on the gal you married ...
AL
PS I am not a loser .. just a self pity needy .. man... hold me please ....
So basically if your not married already and have SF hopes dont plan on getting married anytime soon..
So basically if your not married already and have SF hopes dont plan on getting married anytime soon..I wouldn't say that...live your life...what happens, happens...I was married the whole time I was in SF, the best years of our marriage...it fell apart after 33 years, in large part, because I was around all the time and she got to know me...
It takes a SPECIAL woman :lifter that is what I like to tell myself anyway ;)
Or you could be like me, deploy together to the box (my second, her first) and then get divorced within a week of geting home.
Life is what happens when your busy making other plans.
What does Rebeka Say?
She writes on Army stuff with a wife's point of view.
Operation Marriage: Why not basic training for military spouses?
http://www.fayobserver.com/Articles/2010/02/21/977222
".......
3. You could drive around Fort Bragg all day, every day, and never see anything that looks like a scene from "Stripes," "Private Benjamin" or "G.I. Jane." Maybe that stuff happens at other Army posts, but it doesn't happen much here.
4. "G.I. Jane" is a completely misnamed movie, by the way. Demi Moore joined the Navy and "G.I." refers to soldiers in the Army. But, I guess "G.I. Jane" is catchier than "Squid Jane," so there you have it. And while we're at it, the Army has soldiers, the Navy has sailors, the Marine Corps has Marines and the Air Force has airmen.
(Extra Credit: Soldiers are often called "joes"; sailors are called "squids"; Marines are called "jarheads" and airmen are called - lucky. Just kidding. I only say that because the Air Force always seems to have the nicest stuff. Also, some of these terms can be considered derogatory. Use with caution.)........"
craigepo
02-23-2010, 11:17
When we showed up for SFAS, they joked that the only paperwork we needed was an up-to-date physical and a divorce decree...
I was married twice. The first, lasted 3.5 yrs. I was gone 30 of those 42 months. She found someone else, the divorce papers were mailed to me while down range.
Had a TM SGT who said, "you should change partners every 5-7 years just to keep things interesting". A good husband/dad, had a bunch of great kids, loves all of 'his' wives, (3 or 4) total. He's currently living in Thailand or Argentina with GF, scheduled to be the next. Kids are all raised, he's mellowed out some.
wow :(
There really are some good women out there ,that can handle the life ,and be faithful .I mean I am living proof of that .
ReconGaelach
02-23-2010, 11:42
Thanks for all the good info and advice! Keep it comming!
wow :(
There really are some good women out there ,that can handle the life ,and be faithful .I mean I am living proof of that .
That's why you're so RARE, good job!
I saw a lot of SF career marriages go the distance, I was not one of them. They either last 36 months or 36 years and beyond.
"Danny" was addicted to women who treated him badly, somewhat co-dependant on drama, he loved drama, actually created it a time or two. It was his way of easing the transitions of deployment. Nothing like leaving one hostile environment for another. Made "Coming Home" interesting. Danny got nervous about going home, wondering what was going to happen, etc?
His father was a cop, tough on the job, but passive and tired at home, just wanted to sit, read, play ball with the kids. His mom only spoke with one voice level, very loud, very over-bearing family matriach.
Scimitar
02-23-2010, 13:35
Some advice from those in the know...
I was in touch with a retired SF Chaplin for a bit there, his advice...
"Just let her always know that you love her more then the job..."
(You could be rude here and say
"...and make sure she doesn't catch on you're lying") :D
I like what 18DWife said - This Chaplin put it this way
"She must see SF as her mission as well, if she doesn't she will only see it as something competing for your affections"
Another thing he said was
"Find a woman who understands that marriage isn't designed to solve all her problems and that a marriage is strong when it has a mission to focus on other then itself"
I like the Marriage with a mission way of thinking about it...with the BS Hollyweird culture of "Get married and you've arrived in life" everywhere you look, un-fill-able expectations are running rampant in today’s premarital counseling sessions.
Lastly to quote a wise wise man*
"We had common ground, it helped us stick together, I served SF my way, she served SF her way, her successes where mine and mine hers"
RIP Sir, you wisdom is truly missed...
Scimitar
*Colonel Moroney
I like what 18DWife said - This Chaplin put it this way
"She must see SF as her mission as well, if she doesn't she will only see it as something competing for your affections"
Sound advice:
Had a retiring LTG tell me, "SF is a mistress. She will show you things you've never seen before, she will do thing to you that have never been done before. She will take you away from the one's you love, she will love you but only selfishly for her own purposes, and in the end, she will leave you for a younger man. Boys, she's all yours, I'm going home."
The Only Mistress I could put up with :D
My husband says I am more into it than he is ,maybe I am just a tomboy who knows :cool: Hell ,I tattoo half my leg in support of him ,and in Honor of others ;)
........ Hell ,I tattoo half my leg in support of him ,and in Honor of others ;)
TMI TMI
Now I'll be looking at females in shorts down at the Dogwood Festival looking for the one with tattoos all over one of her legs.
TMI TMI
Now I'll be looking at females in shorts down at the Dogwood Festival looking for the one with tattoos all over one of her legs.
Its not to bad :D a couple ppl here have seen it ,Its manly in a way ,but I carry it well :cool:
When I was first assigned to group in 1971, the Divorce rate was 97%, surpassed only by SAC with 98%. I hope it has improved...
What happens to couples already married when they get to Group. The Guys hang around guys that are generally educated. If not, they become more worldly. More aware of things that are important. Their wives become less interesting. They basically out grow their wives. They grow while their wives live the same life they had before they got to Group.
Kind of like when one person in the marriage becomes famous. They grow apart. Its not Rocket Science.
18D Wife has made several good points. My wife and I have been married 29 years. We met when I was still in 2/325 in '81. Like many of the others, she kept a calender. In '83 we had a 1 year old and I was home a total of 45 days, non-consecutively. I started the Q right after we came back from Grenada and it went from there. There were many times being gone much more than being home but we had always communicated. I told her when we met what I did, how often we were gone and that she might not always have any notice. She said she could handle it and did for the next 17 years in the Army and the last 12 in police work. Group was great for her as she and the other wives were as close as we were on the teams. The key is communicating and make her a part of the whole experience.
greenberetTFS
02-23-2010, 20:16
My wife and I got married pretty young,she 17 and I was 20....... Everyone,and I mean everyone gave us 6 months........We lasted because we were both determined to make it last.......My being gone, she said gave her an opportunity to do things she wanted to do,college etc....... The kids came fast,4 of them at 2 year intervals...... But the key was TRUST,while away on deployments we both had that in each other,and that plus our LOVE got us through........ It's also important that she believes in what it is that you believe in....... The proudest day for "both of us" is when I earned my Green Beret............. It's been 52 years now for us and like Richard, I would do it all over again in a heart beat.........:):):):)
Big Teddy
mark46th
02-24-2010, 15:21
Dozer- LMAO!
My wife and I got married pretty young,she 17 and I was 20....... Everyone,and I mean everyone gave us 6 months........We lasted because we were both determined to make it last.......My being gone, she said gave her an opportunity to do things she wanted to do,college etc....... The kids came fast,4 of them at 2 year intervals...... But the key was TRUST,while away on deployments we both had that in each other,and that plus our LOVE got us through........ It's also important that she believes in what it is that you believe in....... The proudest day for "both of us" is when I earned my Green Beret............. It's been 51 years now for us and like Richard, I would do it all over again in a heart beat.........:):):):)
Big Teddy
I am gonna be mushy for a moment ,so I can say that is so sweet <3
Hey all,
QP's, would you say there are numerous coinciding characteristics among the wives who can handle the SF life?
For those of us married men aspiring to SF; how do we determine if our wives can handle the lifestyle? I only ask because I know my wife is a tough girl and could handle it. However she is having trouble seeing this in herself.
Independent <---- very important
Understanding the Team Needs him more than she does,(especially while deployed/training ) (my belief)
I think it helps if she understands your job completely /what SF Means .
I have met many wives who have no idea what their husbands job is ,the mission in general ,they act like what ever about it ...that is amazing to me .
The Reaper
07-03-2010, 08:46
Hey all,
QP's, would you say there are numerous coinciding characteristics among the wives who can handle the SF life?
For those of us married men aspiring to SF; how do we determine if our wives can handle the lifestyle? I only ask because I know my wife is a tough girl and could handle it. However she is having trouble seeing this in herself.
A good search here would reveal numerous threads on this topic.
Have you searched and read them yet before asking?
TR
Dragbag036
07-03-2010, 09:26
My wife and I have been married for 20 years. I met my wife in Germany. We only knew each other for a few months before the Desert and both felt as though we knew each other for years. When I decided I wanted to be with Professional Soldiers, the house kind of went into a hurricane. Now I loved my wife very much, but explained to her that I would continue to take care of her and the kids whatever she decided (stay with me, or go home). She felt that I would be gone even more than than I was while in the Infantry in Germany. After some education on the part of the recruiter and the fact that I brought home a calendar for the next 6 months, having me gone 5, she said it can not be any worse and apologized for the attitude and said will stand behind me whatever it takes. If you ask her, she wouldn't change it for the world. we both agree its the best damn thing we ever did. I have told many a soldier "If you can't be 95% of who you are at work with your guys, maybe she is not the one for you" My wife knows this, hell she is shaking her head up and down as I type. I started my education of being a Professional Soldier 13 years ago, and I am still learning, while she grows with me.
D
my .000002 cents
Getting married. Date is September 25th. I have a 18x contract for afterward. Not the easiest path I know. But sometimes we are called to certain tasks. I just happened to be called to both the noble profession of a soldier, and that of a husband at the same time. My parents did it. Both my sister and I were born at Womack when my pops was in the 82nd. Guess its gonna be a bit of a homecomin'.
Most the time you are a single parent that is just the way it is like it or not ....with the life comes some privileges and some hard ships .
A wife should understand her husband's job ,and understand the team comes before anything else . BE PROUD OF IT . His commitment to his team and his job is part of who he is .....
Support him in every way possible .
I was married to my husband only a couple months when he started the Q .I did everything I could to learn about the life ,the job ,and so forth .I just happen to be a woman who loves it ,and would be doing it if I was a man ;) .
I was also a single parent 6 yrs before we married ,so I was used to being a lone .
A woman should be able to take care of herself ,be independent ,resourceful ,and 10000% understanding .
That is my opinion ,my out look . I rarely meet anyone that is on the same page with me honestly (wives) I guess I am just weird .
Thank you for this 18DWife! I am on this site for the exact purpose of educating myself as to what my husband plans to do, so I can be as understanding and supportive as possible.
Dozer523
08-18-2010, 04:53
Hey all,
QP's, would you say there are numerous coinciding characteristics among the wives who can handle the SF life?
For those of us married men aspiring to SF; how do we determine if our wives can handle the lifestyle? I only ask because I know my wife is a tough girl and could handle it. However she is having trouble seeing this in herself. Your profile mentions a baby due in September. I image you on your knees pleading with her to support your SF dream but it must be hard to see her sweet face over that tummy she's sporting.
Giving birth to a child and selection have a lot in common. (Effort, pain, devotion, long-term commitment . . . shush ladies I'm navigating at night here. . . )
Your Reason For Living may be reluctant to support your dream right now because she is in the middle of Phase One of her/your dream. Are you as "there for" her -- right now -- as you are asking her to be" there for" you once you enter the pipeline?
Can you see how she might not quite see it that way as she tries to see your point over her swollen tummy?
Timing is a big part of life. It might be that now is not your time for SF. You may want to reconsider your family schedule. Baby now, SFAS in 3 years.
greenberetTFS
08-18-2010, 14:30
Your profile mentions a baby due in September. I image you on your knees pleading with her to support your SF dream but it must be hard to see her sweet face over that tummy she's sporting.
Giving birth to a child and selection have a lot in common. (Effort, pain, devotion, long-term commitment . . . shush ladies I'm navigating at night here. . . )
Your Reason For Living may be reluctant to support your dream right now because she is in the middle of Phase One of her/your dream. Are you as "there for" her -- right now -- as you are asking her to be" there for" you once you enter the pipeline?
Can you see how she might not quite see it that way as she tries to see your point over her swollen tummy?
Timing is a big part of life. It might be that now is not your time for SF. You may want to reconsider your family schedule. Baby now, SFAS in 3 years.
Dozer is right on target,makes a lot of sense............ But what also is extremely important is that she and you are totally committed to your marriage..... Equally important is that both of you want you to earn that Green Beret........ Read post #27 so I'm not repeating myself.......... Good luck on your new baby,I've got 4,all born while I was on AD.......... We have 52 years together so far and with God's grace we'll have several more...........De Oppresso Liber.
Big Teddy :munchin
Dozer is right on target,makes a lot of sense............ But what also is extremely important is that she and you are totally committed to your marriage..... Equally important is that both of you want you to earn that Green Beret........ Read post #27 so I'm not repeating myself.......... Good luck on your new baby,I've got 4,all born while I was on AD.......... We have 52 years together so far and with God's grace we'll have several more...........De Oppresso Liber.
Big Teddy :munchin
CO SIGN
:lifter
Hey all,
QP's, would you say there are numerous coinciding characteristics among the wives who can handle the SF life?
Independence
Faithfulness
Low tolerance for whining/BS
Strength
Think outside the box (and for herself)
Multitask
Tough
Adaptive/Resilient
Understanding
It also helps to be married to a great husband :)
I married my husband while he was in the Q course. We have been through five deployments in five years in addition to TDY, schools, and the other stuff. In that time we have had two kids. I completed two undergrad degrees in 18 months while working full time and pregnant with number two. I am now (thankfully) in my last semester of my graduate program and getting ready to send our oldest off to kindergarten. I am not the exception. Most of the wives I know carry equally crazy schedules.
I love my husband like crazy and don't relish the idea of him being gone all the time. Nevertheless that is part of his job, and we seem to make it work. Good communication even when there is limited communication, solid ground rules, and generally being crazy about each other help. However, there are no hard and fast rules to a successful marriage (SF or otherwise). Situations are different for every marriage, team, company, battalion, and group. No one can tell you how it is going to be, and if they try, they are full of crap.
If you want your wife to get comfortable with the idea, have them spend time around a SF soldier and his wife who have learned to make it work. Let her see that it is possible. I have about three friends who had been resistant to letting their husbands go to selection because they had heard over and over again how horrible group life was on families.... until they met us. Personally, I have no experience with regular Army, but group has been fantastic supporting the family. When a wife needs something, they are on it.
There is my.02 from the wife’s perspective.
After a few years it got to the point where my wife would ask "Don't you have a deployment or some trip planned?"
LMAO... I have heard the that exact same phrase come out of HQ6's mouth on more than one occasion.
IMHO SF does not destroy a marriage, it merely spotlights the strengths and weaknesses that exist within the marriage that may remain hidden if you where someplace else. Strong marriages are made stronger and weak ones...well they crash and burn.
LMAO... I have heard the that exact same phrase come out of HQ6's mouth on more than one occasion.
If you would stop tearing out walls in the house every time you are home more than a week, then I might not be so eager to get rid of you :)
I tied my bandana, took my pack from the floor,
You were still sleeping, as I stood at the door,
Once more I was heading to, God only knows where.
That's when it hit me, I was already there.
Why keep on running, just to wish on a star,
Searching for Heaven, when I know where you are.
Life is just empty, when you're walking alone.
So wherever we're going girl, Lord it's good to be at home.
I could ramble, a thousand miles or more,
Never find the light I’ve seen in your eyes before,
You gave me the freedom to go on my own way,
But you gave me much more, you gave me the freedom to stay.
- Waylon Jennings