The Reaper
07-09-2004, 20:10
If you can relate to these, you have served on a staff too long.
Enjoy.
TR
Subject: Staff officers say the strangest things.....
"I finally figured out that when a Turkish officer
tells you, "It's no problem," he means, for him." Maj
(EUCOM)
"Never in the history of the US Armed Forces have so
many done so much for so few..." MAJ (Task Force
Warrior) on the "success" of the Free Iraqi
Forces (FIF) Training Program, where 1100 Army troops
trained 77 Iraqi exiles at the cost of, well, way too
much...
"Our days are spent trying to get some poor,
unsuspecting third world country to pony up to
spending a year in a sweltering desert, full of pissed
off Arabs who would rather shave the back of their
legs with a cheese grater than submit to foreign
occupation by a country for whom they have nothing
but contempt." LTC (JS) on the joys of coalition
building
"OSD will continue to drive this cart into the ground
long after the wheels have been sold on E-bay." MAJ
(JS) on the progress of FIF
"Please don't laugh. This is my job."
Maj (EUCOM) from Protocol, explaining in great detail
the approved procedures for dropping off VIPs
"I guess the next thing they'll ask for is 300 US
citizens with Hungarian last names to send to Iraq..."
MAJ (JS) on the often-frustrating process of
building the Iraqi coalition for Phase IV
"If we wait until the last minute to do it, it'll only
take a minute." MAJ (EUCOM)
"The only reason that anything ever gets done is
because there are pockets of competence in every
command. The key is to find them...and then exploit
the hell out of 'em." CDR (CENTCOM)
"Working with Hungary is like watching a bad comedy
set on auto repeat..." LCDR (EUCOM)
"Between us girls, would it help to clarify the issue
if you knew that Hungary is land-locked?" CDR to MAJ
(EUCOM) on why a deployment from Hungary
is likely to proceed by air vice sea
"We are condemned men who are chained and will row in
place until we rot."
LtCol (CENTCOM) on life at his Command
"Right now we're pretty much the ham in a bad ham
sandwich..." GO/FO (EUCOM)
"So, what do you wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU
wanna do?"..."I dunno,
what do YOU wanna do?," etc. COL (DIA) describing the
way OUSD(S) develops and implements their strategies
"Let's face it: Africa sucks..."
DOS representative (Bureau of African Affairs) at a
conference on Africa
"One of the secrets to maintaining my positive
attitude in this job is this: I complete no tasker
before its time..."
MAJ (EUCOM)
"It is nothing for US soldiers to be in the desert for
a year without a woman. It is different for us,
though, because we are Latin..." LTC (LATAM
country) on one of the differences between Latin
American soldiers and their US counterparts
"I'll be right back. I have to go pound my nuts
flat..."
Lt Col (EUCOM) after being assigned a difficult tasker
"I guess this is the wrong power cord for the
computer, huh?" LtCol (EUCOM) after the smoke cleared
from plugging his 110V computer into a 220V outlet
"OK, this is too stupid for words."
LTC (JS)
"When you get right up to the line that you're not
supposed to cross, the only person in front of you
will be me!" CDR (CENTCOM) on his view of the
value of being politically correct in today's military
"There's nothing wrong with crossing that line a
little bit, it's jumping over it buck naked that will
probably get you in trouble..." Lt Col (EUCOM)
responding to the above
"I may be slow, but I do poor work..."
MAJ (USAREUR)
"Great! What we really need are some more 0-5s around
here..." MAJ (EUCOM) on the release of the list of 0-5 promotables
"Don't ever be the first...don't ever be the
last...and don't ever volunteer to do anything...."
CDR (EUCOM) relating an ancient Navy truism
"Hey, somebody should really do that..."
CDR (CENTCOM) on the CENTCOM tasking process
"Are you sure they aren't writing about us? Hell, at
least we should jump on that wholesale desertion
thing..." Maj (CENTCOM) on the following report
from a newspaper: "(The Iraqi military was crippled
by)...a multitude of erratic orders and strategic miscalculations, while
its fighting units barely communicated with one another and were
paralyzed from a lack of direction...these woes were compounded by
incompetence, poor preparation, craven leadership and (the) wholesale
desertions of thousands of soldiers..."
"Cynicism is the smoke that rises from the ashes of
burned out dreams." Maj (CENTCOM) on the daily
thrashings delivered to AOs at his Command
"WE are the reason that Rumsfeld hates us..."
LTC (EUCOM) doing some standard, Army
self-flagellation
"South of the Alps and East of the Adriatic, paranoia
is considered mental equilibrium..."
"The chance of success in these talks is the same as
the number of "R's" in "fat chance..."" GS-15 (SHAPE)
"His knowledge on that topic is only power point
deep..." MAJ (JS)
"We have no position on that issue. In fact, your
position IS our position.
Could you tell us what our position is?" CDR
(TRANSCOM) at a policy SVTC
"Ya know, in this Command,
if the world were supposed to end tomorrow, it would
still happen behind schedule." CWO4 (ret) (EUCOM)
"Even if Al-Qaeda nuked this place, the Chief of Staff
would approve a 4-star visitor the very next day!"
GS-12 (EUCOM)
"Never pet a burning dog."
LTC (Tennessee National Guard)
"It's basically announcing to the world that I've
completely given up." LT (USN F-14 squadron) on his
initial feelings behind the wheel of his brand
new minivan
"A staff action is like getting an out of state check, countersigned by
a fraud on a phony ID: some of the time it clears, but most of the time,
you're screwed." Lt Col (USAF)
"I need intelligence, not information."
Maj (EUCOM)
"Ah, the joys of Paris: a unique chance to swill warm
wine and be mesmerized by the dank ambrosia of unkempt armpits..." LCDR
(NAVEUR)
"'Status quo,' as you know, is Latin for 'the mess
we're in...'" Attributed to former President Ronald
Reagan
"We are now past the good idea cutoff point..."
MAJ (JS) on the fact that somebody always tries to
"fine tune" a COA with more "good ideas"
"Who are you talking to? ...Hang up the phone!"
Lt Col mentoring MAJ (EUCOM) on how to stay in his own
lane...
"The hardest thing about having a third child is
switching from 1-on-1 to a zone defense." MAJ (EUCOM)
"Nobody ever said you had to be smart to make 0-6."
Col (EUCOM)
"I haven't complied with a darn thing and nothing bad
has happened to me yet."
"Whatever happened to good
old-fashioned military leadership? Just task the first
two people you see."
"The first question I ask myself when tasked to do something that's not
obviously and overwhelmingly in my own best interest is, 'Exactly what
happens if I don't do it?'"
"Accuracy and attention to detail take a certain
amount of time."
"No need to tip our hand as to how responsive we can
be." CDR (EUCOM) in a passdown to his replacement
"I seem to be rapidly approaching the apex of my
mediocre career." MAJ (JS)
"I think that my next set of orders will take me to
Iraq. My career's going so badly that I'm considered a 'dead-ender.'" Lt
Col (EUCOM)
"I just realized that this War on Terror might take a
little longer than we thought, so I am developing a
new system of hanging charts on walls to solve
our problem and win the war." LTC (EUCOM) after a
review of long range Counter Terrorism (CT) plans
"Much work remains to be done before we can announce
our total failure to make any progress." "None of us
is as dumb as all of us." Excerpted from a
brief (EUCOM)
"Things are looking up for us here. In fact, Papua-New
Guinea is thinking of offering two platoons: one of
Infantry (headhunters) and one of engineers
(hut builders). They want to eat any Iraqis they kill.
We've got no issues with that, but State is being
anal about it." LTC (JS) on OIF coalition-building
"It's not a lot of work unless you have to do it."
LTC (EUCOM)
"I'm gonna have to leave work early today and probably
stay home tomorrow.
I'm fighting off a cold and I want to beat it before I
start my leave in two days." MAJ (EUCOM)
"Creating smoking holes gives our lives meaning and
enhances our manliness."
LTC (EUCOM) at a CT conference
"Interagency is a process, not a noun."
Anonymous (EUCOM)
"Eventually, we have to 'make nice' with the French,
although, since I'm new in my job, I have every
expectation that I'll be contradicted." DOS rep at a
Counter Terrorism Conference
Enjoy.
TR
Subject: Staff officers say the strangest things.....
"I finally figured out that when a Turkish officer
tells you, "It's no problem," he means, for him." Maj
(EUCOM)
"Never in the history of the US Armed Forces have so
many done so much for so few..." MAJ (Task Force
Warrior) on the "success" of the Free Iraqi
Forces (FIF) Training Program, where 1100 Army troops
trained 77 Iraqi exiles at the cost of, well, way too
much...
"Our days are spent trying to get some poor,
unsuspecting third world country to pony up to
spending a year in a sweltering desert, full of pissed
off Arabs who would rather shave the back of their
legs with a cheese grater than submit to foreign
occupation by a country for whom they have nothing
but contempt." LTC (JS) on the joys of coalition
building
"OSD will continue to drive this cart into the ground
long after the wheels have been sold on E-bay." MAJ
(JS) on the progress of FIF
"Please don't laugh. This is my job."
Maj (EUCOM) from Protocol, explaining in great detail
the approved procedures for dropping off VIPs
"I guess the next thing they'll ask for is 300 US
citizens with Hungarian last names to send to Iraq..."
MAJ (JS) on the often-frustrating process of
building the Iraqi coalition for Phase IV
"If we wait until the last minute to do it, it'll only
take a minute." MAJ (EUCOM)
"The only reason that anything ever gets done is
because there are pockets of competence in every
command. The key is to find them...and then exploit
the hell out of 'em." CDR (CENTCOM)
"Working with Hungary is like watching a bad comedy
set on auto repeat..." LCDR (EUCOM)
"Between us girls, would it help to clarify the issue
if you knew that Hungary is land-locked?" CDR to MAJ
(EUCOM) on why a deployment from Hungary
is likely to proceed by air vice sea
"We are condemned men who are chained and will row in
place until we rot."
LtCol (CENTCOM) on life at his Command
"Right now we're pretty much the ham in a bad ham
sandwich..." GO/FO (EUCOM)
"So, what do you wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU
wanna do?"..."I dunno,
what do YOU wanna do?," etc. COL (DIA) describing the
way OUSD(S) develops and implements their strategies
"Let's face it: Africa sucks..."
DOS representative (Bureau of African Affairs) at a
conference on Africa
"One of the secrets to maintaining my positive
attitude in this job is this: I complete no tasker
before its time..."
MAJ (EUCOM)
"It is nothing for US soldiers to be in the desert for
a year without a woman. It is different for us,
though, because we are Latin..." LTC (LATAM
country) on one of the differences between Latin
American soldiers and their US counterparts
"I'll be right back. I have to go pound my nuts
flat..."
Lt Col (EUCOM) after being assigned a difficult tasker
"I guess this is the wrong power cord for the
computer, huh?" LtCol (EUCOM) after the smoke cleared
from plugging his 110V computer into a 220V outlet
"OK, this is too stupid for words."
LTC (JS)
"When you get right up to the line that you're not
supposed to cross, the only person in front of you
will be me!" CDR (CENTCOM) on his view of the
value of being politically correct in today's military
"There's nothing wrong with crossing that line a
little bit, it's jumping over it buck naked that will
probably get you in trouble..." Lt Col (EUCOM)
responding to the above
"I may be slow, but I do poor work..."
MAJ (USAREUR)
"Great! What we really need are some more 0-5s around
here..." MAJ (EUCOM) on the release of the list of 0-5 promotables
"Don't ever be the first...don't ever be the
last...and don't ever volunteer to do anything...."
CDR (EUCOM) relating an ancient Navy truism
"Hey, somebody should really do that..."
CDR (CENTCOM) on the CENTCOM tasking process
"Are you sure they aren't writing about us? Hell, at
least we should jump on that wholesale desertion
thing..." Maj (CENTCOM) on the following report
from a newspaper: "(The Iraqi military was crippled
by)...a multitude of erratic orders and strategic miscalculations, while
its fighting units barely communicated with one another and were
paralyzed from a lack of direction...these woes were compounded by
incompetence, poor preparation, craven leadership and (the) wholesale
desertions of thousands of soldiers..."
"Cynicism is the smoke that rises from the ashes of
burned out dreams." Maj (CENTCOM) on the daily
thrashings delivered to AOs at his Command
"WE are the reason that Rumsfeld hates us..."
LTC (EUCOM) doing some standard, Army
self-flagellation
"South of the Alps and East of the Adriatic, paranoia
is considered mental equilibrium..."
"The chance of success in these talks is the same as
the number of "R's" in "fat chance..."" GS-15 (SHAPE)
"His knowledge on that topic is only power point
deep..." MAJ (JS)
"We have no position on that issue. In fact, your
position IS our position.
Could you tell us what our position is?" CDR
(TRANSCOM) at a policy SVTC
"Ya know, in this Command,
if the world were supposed to end tomorrow, it would
still happen behind schedule." CWO4 (ret) (EUCOM)
"Even if Al-Qaeda nuked this place, the Chief of Staff
would approve a 4-star visitor the very next day!"
GS-12 (EUCOM)
"Never pet a burning dog."
LTC (Tennessee National Guard)
"It's basically announcing to the world that I've
completely given up." LT (USN F-14 squadron) on his
initial feelings behind the wheel of his brand
new minivan
"A staff action is like getting an out of state check, countersigned by
a fraud on a phony ID: some of the time it clears, but most of the time,
you're screwed." Lt Col (USAF)
"I need intelligence, not information."
Maj (EUCOM)
"Ah, the joys of Paris: a unique chance to swill warm
wine and be mesmerized by the dank ambrosia of unkempt armpits..." LCDR
(NAVEUR)
"'Status quo,' as you know, is Latin for 'the mess
we're in...'" Attributed to former President Ronald
Reagan
"We are now past the good idea cutoff point..."
MAJ (JS) on the fact that somebody always tries to
"fine tune" a COA with more "good ideas"
"Who are you talking to? ...Hang up the phone!"
Lt Col mentoring MAJ (EUCOM) on how to stay in his own
lane...
"The hardest thing about having a third child is
switching from 1-on-1 to a zone defense." MAJ (EUCOM)
"Nobody ever said you had to be smart to make 0-6."
Col (EUCOM)
"I haven't complied with a darn thing and nothing bad
has happened to me yet."
"Whatever happened to good
old-fashioned military leadership? Just task the first
two people you see."
"The first question I ask myself when tasked to do something that's not
obviously and overwhelmingly in my own best interest is, 'Exactly what
happens if I don't do it?'"
"Accuracy and attention to detail take a certain
amount of time."
"No need to tip our hand as to how responsive we can
be." CDR (EUCOM) in a passdown to his replacement
"I seem to be rapidly approaching the apex of my
mediocre career." MAJ (JS)
"I think that my next set of orders will take me to
Iraq. My career's going so badly that I'm considered a 'dead-ender.'" Lt
Col (EUCOM)
"I just realized that this War on Terror might take a
little longer than we thought, so I am developing a
new system of hanging charts on walls to solve
our problem and win the war." LTC (EUCOM) after a
review of long range Counter Terrorism (CT) plans
"Much work remains to be done before we can announce
our total failure to make any progress." "None of us
is as dumb as all of us." Excerpted from a
brief (EUCOM)
"Things are looking up for us here. In fact, Papua-New
Guinea is thinking of offering two platoons: one of
Infantry (headhunters) and one of engineers
(hut builders). They want to eat any Iraqis they kill.
We've got no issues with that, but State is being
anal about it." LTC (JS) on OIF coalition-building
"It's not a lot of work unless you have to do it."
LTC (EUCOM)
"I'm gonna have to leave work early today and probably
stay home tomorrow.
I'm fighting off a cold and I want to beat it before I
start my leave in two days." MAJ (EUCOM)
"Creating smoking holes gives our lives meaning and
enhances our manliness."
LTC (EUCOM) at a CT conference
"Interagency is a process, not a noun."
Anonymous (EUCOM)
"Eventually, we have to 'make nice' with the French,
although, since I'm new in my job, I have every
expectation that I'll be contradicted." DOS rep at a
Counter Terrorism Conference