Redneck Medical Terms

[Sdiver]

Benign: What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria: Door to the cafeteria.

Barium: What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan: Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.

Colic: A sheep dog.

Coma: A punctuation mark.

D&C: Where Washington is.

Dilate: To live long.

Enema: Not a friend.

Fester: Quicker than someone else.

Fibula: A small lie.

G.I. Series: World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.

Impotent: Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.

Morbid: A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.

Node: I knew it.

Outpatient: A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear: A fatherhood test.

Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative: A letter carrier.

Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.

Rectum: Damn near killed him.

Secretion: Hiding something.

Seizure: Roman emperor.

Tablet: A small table.

Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor: More than one.

Urine: Opposite of mine.

Varicose: Near by/close by.

[Red Flag 1]

Heard for real:

Female with chief complaint of: "my period is comming up" really meant she was vomitting blood. I should have "node" better!!

RF 1

[mkpat]

Had to do mock business interviews infront of an audience in my communications class two semester ago. Had one guy say he was very punctuate.

also microfiber is not microwavable cereal

[olhamada]

From my 15 yeras in Mamphas:

I be cumin on - Menstrual cycle

I be runnin off - Diarrhea

I have high blood - Hypertension

I have low blood - Anemia

I have sea horses in my liva - Cirrhosis

I have fireballs in my eucharist - Uterine fibroids

I be gripin - Stomach ache

My baby be havn sick as hell disease - Sickle Cell Disease

I be havn smilin mighty Jesus - Spinal Meningitis

My baby have 65 roses - Cystic Fibrosis

I have shugga - Diabetes

I don't drink no alcohol, only a couple qurters of Colt 45 a day.

Can you look in my era?

Why do ya wanna know whera I be stayin at?

Then there was the patient that kept getting recurrent vaginal yeast infections after using contraceptive jelly. It was Welch's grape flavored - honest!

And the teenager that got pregnant on birth control pills. Only problem was, she was inserting them vaginally after sex. Hmmmm......

Gotta say, I learned a helluva lot and had some incredible patients - some that still keep in touch 10 years later.

[Gypsy]

This thread is hilarious...especially the real life stuff. :D

[Saturation]

peanut butter all..... Phenobarbital

[SouthernDZ]

Had a Team Sergeant who worried about gettin' Gong-ah-re-her - after a little medical insight, he worried about gettin' the "nid" (GNID)...:D