Kyobanim
03-20-2008, 16:17
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make wooden studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want to remove the bearing race out of.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. In extreme situations this tool can easily be used for removing unwanted fingers.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over-tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
CORDLESS DRILL/DRIVER: This tool uses a rechargeable battery to turn a drill chuck holding a drill bit or screw bit. Especially useful for rounding out the heads of screws. It's also great for slipping off the screw and putting a decorative "X" in the surface of your piece.
STRING TRIMMER: Powered by a two-cycle engine, this machine can accelerate small stones to nearly the speed of light before they impact your bare shins.
NAIL GUN: A pneumatically powered tool used for connecting two or more fingers together or to a stud.
WORKMATE: A device supposed to be used for holding various projects stable in order to work on them, but primarily used instead as an extremely tipsy ladder.
ROUTER: An electrical tool that spins around at twenty-two billion rpm's and uses very expensive cutting heads to destroy everything you touch.
SHOP CLOCK: Often made from circular saw blades or old cross-cut saws. Women find shop clocks ugly and banish them to the garage. Single men actually hang them in the living room.
SHOP LIGHTS: Expensive fluorescent lighting fixtures intended to illuminate your workshop. Will not work when it is cold and designed to burn out during the middle of an important project. Quite often the recipient of the DAMMIT TOOL (see below) resulting in 20 minutes of sweeping up broken glass.
SHOP VAC: An appliance with a 110 VAC motor used to evenly distribute dust and dirt all over your shop. Also good for tipping over and dispensing dirty water across the floor.
BEER BOX: This is one piece of equipment that works quite well. A refrigerator designed and built in the 1950's (when men were men and women stayed home to raise the kids) this behemoth weighs more than a Toyota Camray. The chromed handle weighs sixty-five pounds alone. Tends to frost up during humid weather, but the frost feels good after burning your hand holding on to VISE GRIPS while welding.
TRASH BARREL: An old fifty-five gallon drum made of either steel or heavy-duty plastic used to collect scrap pieces rendered useless by any of the above tools. Often this receptacle is filled up by the wife with the contents of the cat litter box, soiled baby diapers or a burned casserole. Thank you Honey for making my workshop smell just wonderful!
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
DREMEL: a power tool that allows amateur gunsmiths to ruin a gun faster than is possible with simple hand tools.
Automotive tools:
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetylene torch.
WHITWOTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mini to the ground after you have installed a set of adjustable suspension trumpets, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X$: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from car battery to inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanics own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin, which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40 Watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during , say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make wooden studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want to remove the bearing race out of.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. In extreme situations this tool can easily be used for removing unwanted fingers.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over-tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
CORDLESS DRILL/DRIVER: This tool uses a rechargeable battery to turn a drill chuck holding a drill bit or screw bit. Especially useful for rounding out the heads of screws. It's also great for slipping off the screw and putting a decorative "X" in the surface of your piece.
STRING TRIMMER: Powered by a two-cycle engine, this machine can accelerate small stones to nearly the speed of light before they impact your bare shins.
NAIL GUN: A pneumatically powered tool used for connecting two or more fingers together or to a stud.
WORKMATE: A device supposed to be used for holding various projects stable in order to work on them, but primarily used instead as an extremely tipsy ladder.
ROUTER: An electrical tool that spins around at twenty-two billion rpm's and uses very expensive cutting heads to destroy everything you touch.
SHOP CLOCK: Often made from circular saw blades or old cross-cut saws. Women find shop clocks ugly and banish them to the garage. Single men actually hang them in the living room.
SHOP LIGHTS: Expensive fluorescent lighting fixtures intended to illuminate your workshop. Will not work when it is cold and designed to burn out during the middle of an important project. Quite often the recipient of the DAMMIT TOOL (see below) resulting in 20 minutes of sweeping up broken glass.
SHOP VAC: An appliance with a 110 VAC motor used to evenly distribute dust and dirt all over your shop. Also good for tipping over and dispensing dirty water across the floor.
BEER BOX: This is one piece of equipment that works quite well. A refrigerator designed and built in the 1950's (when men were men and women stayed home to raise the kids) this behemoth weighs more than a Toyota Camray. The chromed handle weighs sixty-five pounds alone. Tends to frost up during humid weather, but the frost feels good after burning your hand holding on to VISE GRIPS while welding.
TRASH BARREL: An old fifty-five gallon drum made of either steel or heavy-duty plastic used to collect scrap pieces rendered useless by any of the above tools. Often this receptacle is filled up by the wife with the contents of the cat litter box, soiled baby diapers or a burned casserole. Thank you Honey for making my workshop smell just wonderful!
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
DREMEL: a power tool that allows amateur gunsmiths to ruin a gun faster than is possible with simple hand tools.
Automotive tools:
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetylene torch.
WHITWOTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mini to the ground after you have installed a set of adjustable suspension trumpets, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X$: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from car battery to inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanics own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin, which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40 Watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during , say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.