View Full Version : Deployments and Spouses
uboat509
10-01-2007, 06:46
I have question for the members of this board who have deployed to combat zones. How honest with your spouses were you about your experiences when you came back? As far as my wife knows I have been chained to a computer on a FOB and have not done anything or seen anything more dangerous than a computer virus. I filling in an 18F position so that is not as far from the truth as I would like but it is not entirely true. There is no way that I will let her know some of the stuff that I have experienced as long as I am still here but when I rotate back I figure she should know. She is a former Army SGT herself so she understands more about the military than a spouse who has never served but she is a born worrier. At some point I will come back over here and I don't want her stressing more than she already does.
SFC W
Eagle5US
10-01-2007, 07:51
She was VERY supportive buying me all my "go gear"...and as far as she knows it has sat collecting dust since I got here. My "story" is same as yours-never leaving the FOB, nothing falling from the sky except the very rare raindrop in season.
When I get back she and I will sit down and talk - IMHO she has a right to know what I have done here and the things I have encountered. It will help us both deal with this 17 month separation I think.
My adult children will know only if they ask. My teenage daughter won't know unless she asks later. Mainly because if I have to come back here - I'd rather her concentrate on school, and her day to day, than worrying if I am going to be hurt of killed.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Eagle
I explained to my Wife, that I prefer not to talk about it. That being said, I often let her in on the funny things that happened or friends I made so that she doesn't feel completely left out. After she has heard all of this on the phone or in an email, she is able to understand my friendships when we all get together. I try to to keep her worry level down. She assures me that this is impossible!
She knows about my friends who have died, but I never go into details about the circumstances. She did ask if one day I would tell her and I said that I may after I retire.
I was down in FL on R&R seeing a friend from my last tour and of course the discussion turned to Brothers lost. She happened to walk out into the garage while we were talking (needless to say we were both feeling no pain from his home brew and never noticed her!). After she heard a few minutes of hearing what was said, she later confided that it would be a good idea not to tell her until later. I know my boys will eventually ask, my oldest at 5, is surprisingly aware of whats going on. I will cross that one when I get there.
I know this is going off subject, but a helpful thing we found out for deployment was for my Wife to take the boys to her parents house the evening prior, my oldest would be so excited to see Grandpa, that he would forget I was leaving. This also allowed time for my final packing checks without the distractions of the goodbyes, we do the goodbyes the day they leave. This has worked out well twice, but by the next time, I don't think that will work.
Jack Moroney (RIP)
10-01-2007, 14:36
This is going to have to be an individual decision. In my case, I have known my wife since first grade and there is nothing that she does not know about me. Part of the problem here stems from whether or not you have an open and honest relationship with your spouse from the get go. If not you are going to have problems when you come to separating the operational stuff from the times you are just hanging out with the buddies. In my case my wife knew just about everything, minus the unnecessary or classified details that only adds unnecessarily to the angst, and it was important that she knew so that she could provide the necessary support to others in the unit when things went south. It was also important over my career that she had knowledge of many things and a working understanding of what this business was all about so she could separate the bullshit from fact, back stop cover stories for both individuals and units, and make sure things stayed on an even keel for the kids. In one instance my wife and kids were read on in order to support the roles they were expected to play. In my humble opinion, this is about mature adults acting as such and if you do not have that relationship in your marriage you could very well become a liability to your unit down the road depending on the situation. I have on more than one occassion terminated folks from classified assignments just because of this.
Gentlemen, I hope I am not intruding here, but wanted to provide you with my experience as a wife, who is also active duty. Albeit, my husband isn't SF, we are both Air Force, but we were both assigned to a group that opened airbases, you all know them as TALCEs. My husband actually drove in with 3 ID on the initial invasion, and opened Tallil AB.
At the time I was stationed at the CAOC, and was OIC of the Requirements Cell, which was responsible for the movement of all the beans, bullets, personnel, equipment etc on airlift in the AOR. In that capacity, I had to work with my husband's team, as well as the other 4 teams we had in the field to get them into their locations. I can remember the day Carl called to tell me he was going in. He called me on a STU because that was the only way we could communicate, and he told me what was going on and that he would be in touch when he got there.
On his way in, is when the Jessica Lynch et al were taken as POWs, although we didn't know at the time who it was, just where it was and how close to Tallil it was. I heard it on the news on my way into work. I wasn't worried, I figured if something had happened to him, someone would have come and got me to let me know. I walked into the CAOC and the TALCE mgr walked up to me and told me he had some news about Carl, but had to get permisison from the Gen before he could tell me, and then walked away. Can you imagine what was going through my mind? Complete and total jackass had no idea what he just did to me. So then the General walks in and asks me to come outside with him, he needs to talk to me about Carl. He must have seen the look of pure unadulterated horror on my face, because the first words out of his mouth were that Carl and his team were fine, and in place. He just wanted to let me know that they decided to do the first inbed of reporters with the air force, with Carl's team. They knew how he was going to react to that, so they wanted me to tell him!!!! Not the best conversation I have ever had with a General Officer, but he at least understood why I was a little peeved!!!
I know this is a little long, but in my experience we have been so closely linked in our jobs that he has no choice but to tell me what it going on, because if I don't hear it from him I will hear it from someone else, and that version usually won't be as close to the truth as Carl's.
I know we are in a unique situation, but my advice to you is to keep on keeping on for now. But when you get home, sit down and talk to her. Not saying you have to tell her every gory detail, but enough that she knows where you are coming from. She is always going to worry, regardless of what you tell her. And believe me, if she is a smart woman, she knows you are bullshitting her when you tell her you are sitting at a desk. We may not know everything, but we know. Her understanding will go a long way on future deployments, believe me.
Stay safe!!!
Monsoon65
10-03-2007, 15:50
I was just having this conversation with my wife a few days ago. My family came over for a visit and of course, the conversation between my father and I soon wound it's way down to flying and deployments. He would tell me about flying during Korea and Vietnam, and I told him about my deployments to the sandbox. He always had better stories, some which started with, "The first time I almost died in a helicopter......"
She asked why I always told her things after I got back. I said I didn't want her to worry.
Emails/letters home to her are always, "Things are fine and I'm doing well." Emails/letters to my dad are, "Geez, you wouldn't believe what happened to us last night!!!"
AngelsSix
10-03-2007, 17:49
I wear three hats these days; Army wife, reserve AF cop, and civlian cop. My husband has worked in the SF community for almost as long as he has been in the Army. He has always been secretive about what he does, but I understand that he cannot talk about a lot of it. I have experienced some of the things that go on while I was in Iraq, and so understand why he would rather not discuss it most of the time. I am the type that wold rather talk about things that bother me; he is the exact opposite.
From the standpoint of both sides of the coin, I wouldn't mind him telling me, but it doesn't bother me that he doesn't. Ultimately each couple has to work that out for themselves.
uboat509
10-04-2007, 02:46
Thanks, everyone, for your advice. I do apreciate it.
SFC W
I know he isn't chained to a desk. Being a quasi intelligent women, I can put two and two together, when I don't hear from him for a week or two. However, as far as I am concerned, he is handing out suckers and soccer balls or is doing MEDCAPs. That is how I get through while he is over there.
When he comes home, I am fine with hearing the stories. I don't know if he tells me everything, but I do hear some of it, especially at the team parties. If you are gonna tell her that you are chained to a desk, make sure the guys on team keep quiet at the get togethers and clear her Google news alerts before you leave ;)
Another warning... we wives do talk while you boys are playing in the sand. It doesn't work for you to tell her you are chained to a desk and the TL's wife calling her asking if you are back from XXX, KWIM?
Archangel
10-05-2007, 14:40
Most of the spouses in our unit did not know that our last deployment was voluntary... and to this day many of them still don't know. OPSEC is critical for the survival of us married guys. :cool:
Jack Moroney (RIP)
10-05-2007, 18:48
OPSEC is critical for the survival of us married guys. :cool:
Interesting, disturbing, but interesting. Nothing like a solid relationship built and special trust and confidence. So what happens when you all need to have your spouses believe what you say because your OPSEC depends on it?
Speak for yourself, Archangel.
Lying to my spouse when it's not absolutely required for operational reasons is definately not critical to my survival.
In a passing comment when I was thinking about how that very same deployment to which you refer would cost me my civilian job (and it did), I think I might have mentioned that it was voluntary and that I couldn't be MADE to go...
My wife immediatly said... and I quote: "Cut that out right now. Don't even go there. Do you really think you could put your beret on and look yourself in the mirror if you didn't go when called? As an Officer?? During a time of war???!" Could you look your two boys in the eye if they ever asked you why your unit went, and you didn't go with them??? I don't want you to go,l and the boys and I woud be devestated if something were to happen to you, but you will go and we wil be proud of you. We now need to use the time that we have before you go to to do some fun family stuff and to get you packed and ready to go. When do you think you will leave?"
AND that was that. End of discussion.
Most of the spouses in our unit did not know that our last deployment was voluntary... and to this day many of them still don't know. OPSEC is critical for the survival of us married guys. :cool:
They will if you keep boasting about it on the internet ;)
If I ask my husband a question that treads into territory he can't talk about he has no problem saying he can't talk about it and I have no problem hearing that he can't talk about it. We move on to another subject.
But there are no "secrets" between us that aren't there by necessity of his job. Of this, I am certain. I can't fathom a day where he were to make a career-type or family-impacting decision without discussing, consulting or at least pinging me on it. I realize that the Army dictates a lot of things, but I need to be part of the discussion and preparation. That's what being a spouse and partner means. It also means ceasing all griping and moaning when circumstances are out of our hands too (which I'm definitely not perfect about). But I always find I'm a lot happier when I have as much information as possible, even if it's a vague moving target that might and will change tomorrow (like... where are we going to live in six months? I quit asking that question a long time ago though).
I'm fully supportive of what he does - heck, I did most of his SFAS shopping because I was the one home with the time to do it. I've had many friends and family ask me why I'm so ok with him trying to go SF. In my mind the answer is very clear. 1. He wants to do it BAD. 2. If he's going to be deployed anyway, why not have him deployed with the best of the best and trained to be the best? 3. This is what he wants to do, so I'm supportive.
We've talked about how if he got through this he wasn't going to be the MI guy behind the scenes anymore, that things would change - and I can deal with that because I know what makes him happiest. And I definitely don't need to know every gory detail, but if the time comes to tell some stories, I'll be hear to listen. It's as easy as that. When he's gone I don't watch the news much - it makes me a little calmer - but that's the life I've accepted willingly.
So, if I had any advise - it is give your wives some credit. Military wives are strong creatures.
"Cut that out right now. Don't even go there. Do you really think you could put your beret on and look yourself in the mirror if you didn't go when called? As an Officer?? During a time of war???!" Could you look your two boys in the eye if they ever asked you why your unit went, and you didn't go with them??? I don't want you to go,l and the boys and I woud be devestated if something were to happen to you, but you will go and we wil be proud of you. We now need to use the time that we have before you go to to do some fun family stuff and to get you packed and ready to go. When do you think you will leave?"
Add... "You could never live with yourself if something happened to one of your team mates if you bailed on a deployment," and it would sound like a lot convo we have had. I would like to think this is the norm and not the exception.
Scimitar
10-05-2007, 22:19
My Wife & I are reading this folks,
Very very helpful, thank you.
Scimitar
Jack Moroney (RIP)
10-06-2007, 05:15
Military wives are strong creatures.
And that, quite simply, is the crux of the matter even though it is a gross under statement. When I reflect back over what I have put my family through and how they have handled it you all, if you do not now, better understand that they are just as much a part of this as are you.
dmgedgoods
12-10-2007, 19:59
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Any thoughts on how I may lessen the blow for my dear wife and hopefully see her rise to the challenge?
The time is coming for me to leave sooner and sooner, and almost everyday the waterworks start. All I can hope is that the child keeps her focused and she takes well to the Army lifestyle. She has lived a bubble for her whole life, and this seems to be the needle that pops that bubble. Any more insight is greatly appreciated.
Shawn
Yeah... that sucks. There isn't an easy way to put that except that is really, really stinks. The timing isn't good for a number of reasons and pregnancy hormones aren't fiction.
I've got a number of things running through my head, but one of the things I've said to others and I said about my own situation when hubby wasn't there for the birth of #2 is this -
...newborns don't have a clue who daddy is and whether he's there or not for their grand entrance.
Obviously mom cares, but the baby would rather have dad around later down the road. I've given my opinion to moms to be that have tried to have dad come home on R&R for the birth that they ought to have dad come home later because (1) you really aren't yourself after delivery, (2) you probably have a pretty high number of people willing to help you for the weeks after delivery, (3) baby is generally fairly low key for the first few months and doesn't do much to look at or get excited about. Dad really can't do much but be a gopher for the first little while. I'm not downplaying a dad's role, but that's just the reality of the situation - especially if mom is breastfeeding. Clearly there is more to the emotional aspect of all of this, but a certain amount of pragmatism has to come into play here. I'm pretty sure that any midwife, doula or family-life specialist would have a heyday with what I just said... but since when is the Army family a normal family?
For sure get her a support group and make sure friends/family are around in numbers she feels very comfortable with. But I can tell you for certain that my daughter who is almost 5 now and looks at her baby books religiously has never once questioned why daddy isn't in any of the photographs. She has a fantastic relationship with her father and nothing was ever damaged by the fact that he wasn't around for the first six months of her life, for another year a couple of years later, and I'm pretty sure everything will be fine when he's gone for a year + now. We keep lots of photos out of dad and talk about him constantly, and keeping his "memory" around the house is a big priority.
One thing I did do when he was gone the first time that might make her feel better is I had him video record himself reading a few baby books. My kids were much younger then and I was worried they'd forget him. Maybe she'd like it if you took it upon yourself to do that for the baby so he/she could get to know you and your voice.
There isn't an easy answer for that one. It just stinks. Nothing stinks worse then having to deal with the Red Cross to get the message out to your husband that his baby was just born... Make sure you've set up someone to send her flowers from you when the baby is born, etc.
Be patient with the waterworks - she probably can't do much to control them. Stupid pregnancy hormones. :mad: I'm just now feeling like I've gotten control of myself again and my youngest is 3. :rolleyes:
Good luck!!
First, congrats on the impending birth!
We found out we were pregnant with our second child two days before the better half was to get on a plane for the great unknown. He was gone for the entire pregnancy, and it was a tight call as to whether or not he would be back for the delivery (a scheduled cesarean section). I can imagine how frightening and upsetting it must be for your wife facing delivery for the first time without you.
Try your best to reassure her and make sure she is set. Get her a dula. TriCare will cover it. If at all possible set up for her family or someone who gives her reassurance and support to be there for the delivery AND to stay with her after the delivery. As scary as labor is alone, it is nothing compared to bringing home a newborn by yourself.
Bottom line, there will always be tears when someone leaves for a deployment. Pregnant women are notoriously hormonal. Tears flow over Hallmark commercials and imperfect Krispy Kreams ;) So it isn't unusual that she is teary every day. Just reassure her that you love her and everything will be OK.
HQ6 is exactly right when she says to make sure there is someone in residence after delivery. No matter what bringing the first home is beyond frightening - whether you are around or not. I'm not sure I slept for the first few weeks as I sat listening to him breathe.
In any case - I second what she said... make sure she doesn't have to be alone at home. Don't just make sure she has people on stand-by, there needs to be someone physically in the house. And it has to be someone she isn't going to kill after one day. I'd have killed my mother, but having my mother-in-law around wouldn't have been bad (ironically enough). You need someone who has been there and done that to tell you that the red bumps on his forehead don't mean that he needs a midnight run to the ER. ;)
dmgedgoods
12-10-2007, 23:56
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I cant speak about the deployment, but please be aware of post partum depression. It is real. My wife had it, she did not want to go anywhere, did not want to get out of bed, that type of stuff. You will need to have someone that knows your wife keep an eye open for this behavoir.
Now lets all hold hands and sing Cumm Ba ya.
Congrats on the baby.
My best advice to you is ensure she knows some of the other spouses from your unit. They have probably been through this before, and can understand her in ways that no one who hasn't been through it can. Being able to talk to someone who understands your language can be a lifesaver.
Best of luck to you, and stay safe.
Just remember what ever you say has to jive with what the FRG puts out. Already we had a guy KIA in our deployment and a team mate on my team already wounded, my wife knew about all that though the FRG.
Just remember what ever you say has to jive with what the FRG puts out. Already we had a guy KIA in our deployment and a team mate on my team already wounded, my wife knew about all that though the FRG.
Great advice. Allow me to add that some soldiers are chattier than others and that wives tend to compare notes.
Two experiences stick in my mind -
One was getting a call and asking how the other half was holding up. Confusing to say the least because he wasn't home and I didn't know anything had happened.
The other was a letter from a teammate, also a medic, saying my husband was 17 kinds of an idiot and needed to take better care of himself. When I asked Chuck about it he said "Jay is a big baby, tattle-tale."
dmgedgoods
03-05-2008, 13:50
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Great thread. And as I've just come home, as of last Saturday from 15 mos. over there I can say that I appreciate everything I've read here so far.
I've adopted the 'honesty is the best policy' policy. She didn't need to know about all the things falling from the sky, espcially the one that hit just inside 100m of my pod three nights before I left Iraq (I actually watched the rocket fly in as I ran for the bunker! :eek: )...At least not until I was actually home.
She's asked a great deal of questions and I've been open and as honest as possible without being too graphic. Being a medic can have its drawbacks when trying to describe some experiences. Tact is my main medicine right now.
Thanks again for this thread. It is quite significant for me right this minute!
Also, congrats!!, dmgedgoods.
Wishing you the best!
Mick
Defion69
03-05-2008, 14:41
Just thought I would update those that care...My wife had our beautiful baby girl at 9:18 this morning. I ship March 17th, and look forward to the short time I have with her until me and the family rendezvous together in July. After that, we will see what happens with my career track...:munchin
Shawn
Congrats to you and your wife. Best wishes to your growing family!
Congrats on your new addition dmgedgoods!
Just thought I would update those that care...My wife had our beautiful baby girl at 9:18 this morning. I ship March 17th, and look forward to the short time I have with her until me and the family rendezvous together in July. After that, we will see what happens with my career track...:munchin
Shawn
Congrats to you and your wife! May your deployment be as uneventful as possible...
AngelsSix
03-05-2008, 23:08
Congrats on the Baby Girl!! Glad that she decided to join you before you left.
One thing I agreed with is for you to realize that womenfolk are smarter that you realize and damn sneaky. I catch my old man telling tales every once in a while, especially when the wives get together. Best thing is to be honest; if you feel like it needs to be a personal "at home" discussion, tell her you will talk about it then. But be ready for the questions to start flying. I hate being put off. OPSEC is one thing, but if I find out later that he flat out BS'd me and used that OPSEC thing as an excuse......he can sleep in the packing shed. I am big on honesty. Some guys will use that OPSEC thing to cover bad behavior. I have spent enought time working in male dominated career fields to know what goes on.
Roycroft201
03-06-2008, 00:27
Congratulations to you and your wife on the birth of your daughter !
And, good luck and stay safe.
RC201
dmgedgoods
03-09-2008, 22:53
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Shawn, do you not have a Family Readiness Group for your unit?
FRG's are not always the best bet for support especially if you do not live in a military town.
Shawn, I'll PM you some links. Please advise your wife that these sites are:
1. Not nearly as well moderated as this one (hence prone to drama)
2. OPSEC nightmares. One should always be cognizant that you don't know anyone on the internet who has not been vetted IRL, but on these sites one should also be very cognizant that there are those who are lurking and gather intel here and there. I know I sound melodramatic, but there was one girl (who's husband was on a SF team) who broadcasted when he was leaving, for how long, and where. Common sense sometimes goes out the window when one thinks she is "chatting with girlfriends."
dmgedgoods
03-10-2008, 13:03
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FM 3-13 (100-6)
dmgedgoods- Welcome to fatherhood! It's a roller-coaster ride, but it's a good one.
FRG's are not always the best bet for support especially if you do not live in a military town.
Shawn, I'll PM you some links. Please advise your wife that these sites are:
1. Not nearly as well moderated as this one (hence prone to drama)
2. OPSEC nightmares. One should always be cognizant that you don't know anyone on the internet who has not been vetted IRL, but on these sites one should also be very cognizant that there are those who are lurking and gather intel here and there. I know I sound melodramatic, but there was one girl (who's husband was on a SF team) who broadcasted when he was leaving, for how long, and where. Common sense sometimes goes out the window when one thinks she is "chatting with girlfriends."
First - Congratulations on the new baby!!
Second, Ditto x3 what HQ6 said.
Depending on what the training is you are doing, the wives in classes will sometimes set up "closed" online groups for chatting on the web. You can do this through a place like Yahoo Groups or AKO has the functionality now. The wives in my husband's OCS class did this and now all the wives (families actually) on my husband's MiTT team have the same. It provides a slightly more secure area to send messages where you "know" the audience if everyone is geographically separated. In both cases we laid down the ground rules in terms of what was ok, not ok to discuss first and you've always got to have the alpha dog to control the flow. But so far these have been quite successful for me. I'm only 50% with IRL FRG groups. They're either great or dismal.
Either way though - your wife is going to get a crash course in independence. Make sure she has realistic expectations about how often she'll hear from you. I'm pretty darn independent and I get stupid needy if my husband told me to expect communication at a certain time and we've gone 24-48 hours past that point. I'll admit to sending a few whiney emails to him around that time. So just be realistic with her and you'll save yourself a lot of grief (and her).