incommin
10-24-2006, 09:59
A Little History of How Humans Evolved
Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They
lived on deer in the mountains during the summer &would go to
the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer
and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were
the catalysts for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct
subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so
while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how
villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals
to barbeque at night while they were drinking beer. This was the
beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbeques and
doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as girliemen. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the
concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized
by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but
most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish
but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard
liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their
women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule
because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for
their women.
Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction
workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives,
Marines, athletes and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives
who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and
decide what to do with their production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the
Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal
may have a momentary urge to respond to the above before simply laughing and
forwarding it. A Conservative will be so convinced of the absolute truth of
this history that it will be forwarded immediately.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps
Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They
lived on deer in the mountains during the summer &would go to
the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer
and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were
the catalysts for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct
subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so
while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how
villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals
to barbeque at night while they were drinking beer. This was the
beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbeques and
doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as girliemen. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the
concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized
by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but
most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish
but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard
liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their
women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule
because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for
their women.
Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction
workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives,
Marines, athletes and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives
who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and
decide what to do with their production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the
Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal
may have a momentary urge to respond to the above before simply laughing and
forwarding it. A Conservative will be so convinced of the absolute truth of
this history that it will be forwarded immediately.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps