For Our Golfers

[BMT (RIP)]

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona:

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down!
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please, while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

Well done! Now flush the urinal, go outside and tee off.

[dedeppm]

A man walks into the confessional and sits down. The priest in the booth recognizes him immediately and asks "Hey there Jimmy, what seems to be the problem?"

The man responds by saying, "You know, I've been trying for a long time now to clean up my bad language. I'm generally doing a good job, but I really let go on the course the other day."

"Well, explain what happened," said the priest.

"I teed up on the first hole and put my drive straight into a tree. The ball bounced back and rolled to a stop right at my feet."

"So is that when you started swearing?"

"No Father, I teed it back up and hit it into the same tree again, and this time a large bird grabbed my ball in its beak and flew away."

"Oh Jimmy, you must've been swearing bad at that point," said the man's priest.

"No, that wasn't it either. The bird flew all the way to the green and dropped my ball no more than eighteen inches from the hole."

"Oh Jimmy," said the priest, "You missed the fuckin' putt."

[Sdiver]

Moses, Jesus and a grizzled old man were teeing off on the 14th hole at Augusta.

Moses addresses the ball, swings, and it shoots straight up and plops right into the water. He walks up to the water, parts it, walks in, retrieves his ball and takes a stroke.

Jesus address's the ball, swings, it too shoots straight up into the air and plops into the water. He approaches the water, looks at were the ball landed, walks out onto the water, sees his ball under the water, retrieves it and also takes a stroke.

The grizzled old man tees up, and can barely bring his club up, but he hits the ball, which travels just inches off the ground and plops right into the water. Just then a turtle pops up with the ball on its back, then a frog jumps up on the turtle and kicks the ball into the air, which is then caught by a low flying Eagle, who swoops over the green and drops the ball into the cup.....Hole In One.

Jesus looks at the old man rolling his eyes and says, "Father, quit showing off."

[Cincinnatus]

So Jesus and Moses are playing a round. They come to hole with a water hazard (IIRC, the guy who told me this said the 17th at Sawgrass) and Jesus tees up and takes out his five iron.

Moses says, "You can't get over the water with a five iron, you need to use one of your woods."

Jesus replies, "I saw Tiger Woods do this on TV."

He sewings, ball goes up... and comes down with a splash.

Moses says, "Toldya."

Jesus says, "Ok, I'm taking my mulligan. Help me out, willya?"

So Moses parts the water, Jesus goes and gets his ball, comes back and tees up again... and picks up the five iron.

Moses exclaims, "Come on! You cannot make this shot with a five iron."

Jesus says, "I'm telling you, I saw Tiger Woods do it on TV."

He swings, the ball goes up, and again comes down in the water.

Moses says, "You've used your mulligan. I'm not helping you out this time. Your on your own."

So Jesus goes down, walks out onto the water and is looking for his ball.

The next foursome comes up to the tees. One of them looks out, sees Jesus, and asks Moses, "Who does that asshole think he is... Jesus Christ?"

Moses answers, "No, Tiger Woods."